Women are relationship driven creatures.
We examine our lives and take stock of our current love relationship, past relationships and even future, possible relationships. We do that mental scan of what worked and what didn’t, who dumped who, remembering conversations that made us cringe, lovers that got away and the ones we didn’t treat so well.
The irony is that we tend to focus on what we did wrong, rather than what we needed, wanted and deserved. Many of us hang on the precipice of acceptance when it comes to relationships: will he/she like me? am I interesting? do I have enough to offer? am I thin/pretty/smart/sexy/
In 2014 and forward, it’s time to turn the question in reverse: Am I smart enough for me? Am I good enough for me? Am I worthy and loving enough of myself? Here are some essential mantras to burn into our brains this year:
1) You are enough
We were born perfect and will die perfect. It’s only our thoughts, society and modern culture which make us believe any different. See, we have to believe we are beautiful and worthy and perfect and then someone else will too. And it will be the right person, who sees that beauty inside and out, who will come into our lives because we believe it. Otherwise we’re chasing our tail to catch the person that we think is perfect, who ultimately ends up making us feel worse about ourselves. Knowing we are enough takes the weight off our shoulders. Take a big breath and relax. Try it on for size: get out, meet people with nothing to prove and when you feel the urge to start listing your accomplishments to a new acquaintance, take a beat, and just be you. Without any stories that reflect well on you, without any qualifications, without any declarations of achievement. It’s not easy, it takes some practicing, but it’s liberating. And if someone wants to get to know you, that stuff will reveal itself in time. Just sit with being you and get comfortable with that being enough. Because you are.
2) You are worthy
From a young age we receive messages from parents, from other kids, from TV and media which commence that slow, subliminal downgrading of our sense of worth. It sucks but it’s a fact. Each negative thought, repeated enough times, becomes a belief and that belief becomes a “truth” in every aspect of our lives. We’re not good enough at our jobs, we risk losing friends because we don’t deserve them, and men will treat us badly because we deserve it. Take three big breaths and repeat over and over as you walk/meditate/knit/sit: I am loved and I am worthy, I am loved and I am worthy. Watch your world bloom as this thought turns into a belief.
3) You matter
Every human being is unique, like a snowflake. We all have our own ways of viewing the world, our special idiosyncrasies, our own brand of flag we fly. We all have special contributions to the world, to each other, and to relationships. We won’t always get the worthiness feedback from others (they are too busy reinforcing their own unworthiness), so we learn how to give it to ourselves. Try this: act as if every day is a date with the person of your dreams. Cook yourself a beautiful, simple meal every night. Take a bath with candles, sip on a yummy glass of red wine, read that great book you’ve had sitting on the shelf for two years. Bring yourself some flowers. Go horseback riding on the beach. Go out for a great movie and laugh and cry with a huge bag of popcorn and wander home a different way, stopping into that shop you’ve always gazed into but have been too intimidated to enter. Fall in love with yourself and guess what happens? Others will see you blossoming and will want to come to your life party.
4) You can’t get it wrong
You’ll never get it done and you’ll never it wrong, to quote Abraham. It’s cliche but worth repeating: life is the journey. And things will go wrong, oh don’t we know? But haven’t you sometimes realized that after the car broke down, or you totally froze in the job interview, or that guy got away: if the car hadn’t broken down, I’d have been in that ten car pileup. Or it turned out that job had high turnover because of a terrible manager and you got the call the next week for the perfect position. Or I got the nice guy after all and I wouldn’t have been available if I stayed with that unkind one. Everything that seems messed up, is exactly what was meant to happen. Don’t fret, turn it around and view the so called failures as the precursor to success. Ask yourself: What’s around the bend that’s even better? And then pay attention. There’s always a silver lining.
5) You are loved
The universe is all expansive and all loving and we are a part of that. Every single one of us. We are connected through love. Take a moment to sit in silence every day and quiet the mind and it won’t be long before you feel that energy flowing through you and filling every molecule and cell with all-knowing love. So if the universe loves us that much, why can’t we? The mind. Only the mind separates us from love and connection and tells us we are separate. Try this: instead of focusing on your thoughts, focus on your feelings instead. Feelings are the guideposts for which road to take, literally and figuratively: does this choice feel difficult? Turn in the other direction. Does this relationship feel painful? Turn in the other direction. Does this situation feel easy and flowing? Head in that direction. We are lovingly getting these messages every day through our feelings. Practice tuning into this all-powerful tool and you’ll get in that fast flowing stream of love.
Integrating these five simple mantras and guideposts will help us realize our dreams, shoo away fear and possibly, most likely, invite someone super special into our lives. We are worth it ladies.
Believe it and it will be so.
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Asst. Editor: Edith Lazenby/Editor: Rachel Nussbaum
Photo: elephant archives