My Affair with My Vagina. ~ Xanet Pailet

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Vagina Not A Bad Word

I had four mind-blowing orgasms last night, three the night before and some of the hottest sex in my life.

At the age of 53, I am now loving my vagina!

This hasn’t always been the case because for the first 35 years of my sex life, it caused me pain and discomfort.

I had a condition called, Vaginismus, where the pelvic floor muscles would contract involuntarily around my vagina. This caused real pain during intercourse and made things painful in my life. I am not alone dealing with this condition as more than 25 percent of women experience this as well as another 80 percent and over experience painful sex at some point.

How can our vaginas let us down like this?

Looking back, I now realize that the discomfort with my vagina started at the age of 13 when I started having heavy and painful periods. This made me detest anything having to do with my reproductive system, plus the shame associated with “accidents” didn’t help.

I started to hate my vagina.

Not surprisingly, from the very first time I had sex, at the ripe old age of 16 on my boyfriend’s parents’ couch, sex was painful. And while I dutifully put up with it throughout the relationship, it never got any better. In fact, I had many men walk out of my life in college because they couldn’t put up with my sex drama. This was ironic since I served as a peer sex education counselor—I could talk the talk but definitely not walk the walk.

I felt like there was something really seriously wrong with me and that my body had deceived me. I started to deeply doubt myself and wondered whether I would get married or be able to have children. And here’s the worst thing—there was no one I could talk to about this. At the time, my roommates were screwing their brains out, my widowed mother didn’t own a vagina and I didn’t feel comfortable talking to any of the health center staff.

I was in my own private hell.

What I didn’t realize then was that the fear of having painful sex quickly became its own self-fulfilling prophesy.  Fearing that my vagina would betray me, I was unable to relax and enjoy foreplay.

Orgasms were totally elusive—and of course, since I couldn’t get aroused, intercourse was a non-starter.

All was not lost because during law school, I was lucky to meet a very kind and patient man, who later became my husband and for a period of time, I had some vagina Love. But then again my body deceived me and like so many women, I was subject to years of trauma by the medical establishment including laparoscopies to treat endometriosis and excruciatingly painful procedures at the hands of urologists. I will truly never understand the draw in the Kink community for urethral dilators!  Apparently, my “reward” for having sex was endless vaginal and urinary tract infections.

My vagina and I were completely out of sync.

At that point, the only positive thing about having sex was being able to bring two amazing children into this world. But just like my sex life, my pregnancies were not easy and were fraught with complications. The only time my body actually cooperated was during natural childbirth, which was a breeze compared to everything leading up to it! For those few hours, I wouldn’t have traded my vagina for anything else in the world.

Is it any wonder then that I decided to close up shop in my mid-30s?

Sex was a complete and total drag.

Holding down a high—powered job and raising two children while my husband slaved away all day and night at a high—powered law firm, didn’t leave much room for sex or intimacy or even human connection. My non-existent sex life wasn’t the only reason for the dissolution of my 30 year marriage, but it definitely played a major role.

So how is it that I am now a fully expressed post-menopausal woman whose vagina can elicit screams of delight and wake up the entire neighborhood?

Who was told recently by a physician that it looks like that of a 25 year old woman—well for starters, menopause was my friend! Yes, you heard that correctly!

While I dealt with annoying hot flashes for several years and, to this day, still have occasional night sweats, I found my sex drive increased significantly after menopause. Whether it was the change in hormone levels or the fact that I was with a different partner—apparently you can have “incompatible body fluids” with someone—I stopped having any type of infections when I had sex with other people. My vagina and I were at least getting on the same page.

But by far the most important experience I had, which led to my eventual sexual healing, was being introduced to somatic sex therapy and Tantra. Suddenly sex was not just about body mechanics. Rather, I was able to embrace it as a union of the physical, energetic, and spiritual bodies. The lack of goal orientation was enlightening.

Vaginas are literally worshipped in Tantra. They are there to simply receive pleasure, without having any pressure to give back. This change of perspective permitted my body to find that deep state of relaxation that had eluded me all these years. Breath work allowed me to connect deeply with my sexual energy as I learned how to bring myself into different states of arousal.

My vagina has a brain and it stored all the physical and emotional pain of my past. Slowly, over time, and after many G-spot and somatic sex therapy sessions, the trauma in my body began to dissipate. As I released this physical and emotional pain, my vagina began to re-wire itself.

Soon it was able to understand that sex equals pleasure, rather than pain.

Now my vagina is my best friend! I love how much pleasure it gives me, I love how much wisdom it contains, I love what a powerful instrument it is, I love that it wants to protect me.

And now, my vagina and I are finally one.

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Editorial Assistant: Jessica Sandhu / Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: elephant archives

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Xanet Pailet

Xanet Pailet is a former health care attorney turned sex and intimacy therapist and Tantra teacher.  She works with men, women, and couples to empower them around their sexuality, strengthen relationship and intimacy skills, and help heal emotional and sexual wounding.  Her work has been featured in Elephant Journal “The Weekend I Grew a Penis” and on radio. She writes a weekly sex advice column “The Pleasure Page”, recently launched a You Tube Channel, and is about to release her first book, “A Course in Pleasure.”Vaginas and Penises please connect with her at here.


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anonymous May 2, 2014 3:48pm

Thanks for your vulnerability

anonymous Mar 6, 2014 6:08am


anonymous Mar 6, 2014 12:33am

Thank you John. Yes my goal is to enlighten both men and women. Women need lots of support from their partners and lovers in order to resolve some of these issues.

anonymous Mar 5, 2014 9:18am

Xanet, thank you for sharing this informative and immensely important information for not only women, but for us men too. How can we understand and learn to better connect with the women that we love unless both partners share the solutions to life’s many deceptive complications. You are a precious gift to humanity!

anonymous Mar 5, 2014 12:50am

Xanet, this is a fabulous article. I applaud you for the courage it takes to be so open and vulnerable publically. I know that this is your calling and why you are here. In addition to healing and pleasure, also helping women and men release judgment and open to the fullness of life in all areas.

    anonymous Mar 6, 2014 12:31am

    Thanks Howard. This personal story is the reason that I am so passionate about this work and am following this path even though I am often going against societal norms..

anonymous Mar 4, 2014 10:00am

Thank you Manuel. It is my mission to help women realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    anonymous Mar 12, 2014 10:17am

    Such an empowering article- thanks angel woman!
    Did you know there’s a powerful connection between a woman’s heart,uterus and vagina? This article by dear friend, Xanet Pailet is a must read for all women trying to conceive! I believe it’s in a woman’s nature and biology to create. In Chinese Medicine the uterus (And, I include the magnificent vagina!) is referred to as the “small heart”. Cultivating joy and pleasure in the bedroom plays a huge role in cultivating a woman’s fertility. The uterus is so much more that a physical container for her potential child. Energetically, it's the cradle of a woman's creative essence. Ultimately, what a woman bring forth into this world gives birth to who she is everyday. A woman's internal world is the “mother within”. This “mother within” creates everything in her life- “the sacred living child.” Having fabulous orgasms is good medicine for the “big” and “small” heart. Enjoy!

anonymous Mar 3, 2014 6:38pm

Xanet…the authenticity of your experience and the trueness of your heart are a beacon of light for those who are seeking healing from sexual wounding. Thank you for how you are serving in the world! Manuel