March 3, 2014

My Affair with My Vagina. ~ Xanet Pailet

Vagina Not A Bad Word

I had four mind-blowing orgasms last night, three the night before and some of the hottest sex in my life.

At the age of 53, I am now loving my vagina!

This hasn’t always been the case because for the first 35 years of my sex life, it caused me pain and discomfort.

I had a condition called, Vaginismus, where the pelvic floor muscles would contract involuntarily around my vagina. This caused real pain during intercourse and made things painful in my life. I am not alone dealing with this condition as more than 25 percent of women experience this as well as another 80 percent and over experience painful sex at some point.

How can our vaginas let us down like this?

Looking back, I now realize that the discomfort with my vagina started at the age of 13 when I started having heavy and painful periods. This made me detest anything having to do with my reproductive system, plus the shame associated with “accidents” didn’t help.

I started to hate my vagina.

Not surprisingly, from the very first time I had sex, at the ripe old age of 16 on my boyfriend’s parents’ couch, sex was painful. And while I dutifully put up with it throughout the relationship, it never got any better. In fact, I had many men walk out of my life in college because they couldn’t put up with my sex drama. This was ironic since I served as a peer sex education counselor—I could talk the talk but definitely not walk the walk.

I felt like there was something really seriously wrong with me and that my body had deceived me. I started to deeply doubt myself and wondered whether I would get married or be able to have children. And here’s the worst thing—there was no one I could talk to about this. At the time, my roommates were screwing their brains out, my widowed mother didn’t own a vagina and I didn’t feel comfortable talking to any of the health center staff.

I was in my own private hell.

What I didn’t realize then was that the fear of having painful sex quickly became its own self-fulfilling prophesy.  Fearing that my vagina would betray me, I was unable to relax and enjoy foreplay.

Orgasms were totally elusive—and of course, since I couldn’t get aroused, intercourse was a non-starter.

All was not lost because during law school, I was lucky to meet a very kind and patient man, who later became my husband and for a period of time, I had some vagina Love. But then again my body deceived me and like so many women, I was subject to years of trauma by the medical establishment including laparoscopies to treat endometriosis and excruciatingly painful procedures at the hands of urologists. I will truly never understand the draw in the Kink community for urethral dilators!  Apparently, my “reward” for having sex was endless vaginal and urinary tract infections.

My vagina and I were completely out of sync.

At that point, the only positive thing about having sex was being able to bring two amazing children into this world. But just like my sex life, my pregnancies were not easy and were fraught with complications. The only time my body actually cooperated was during natural childbirth, which was a breeze compared to everything leading up to it! For those few hours, I wouldn’t have traded my vagina for anything else in the world.

Is it any wonder then that I decided to close up shop in my mid-30s?

Sex was a complete and total drag.

Holding down a high—powered job and raising two children while my husband slaved away all day and night at a high—powered law firm, didn’t leave much room for sex or intimacy or even human connection. My non-existent sex life wasn’t the only reason for the dissolution of my 30 year marriage, but it definitely played a major role.

So how is it that I am now a fully expressed post-menopausal woman whose vagina can elicit screams of delight and wake up the entire neighborhood?

Who was told recently by a physician that it looks like that of a 25 year old woman—well for starters, menopause was my friend! Yes, you heard that correctly!

While I dealt with annoying hot flashes for several years and, to this day, still have occasional night sweats, I found my sex drive increased significantly after menopause. Whether it was the change in hormone levels or the fact that I was with a different partner—apparently you can have “incompatible body fluids” with someone—I stopped having any type of infections when I had sex with other people. My vagina and I were at least getting on the same page.

But by far the most important experience I had, which led to my eventual sexual healing, was being introduced to somatic sex therapy and Tantra. Suddenly sex was not just about body mechanics. Rather, I was able to embrace it as a union of the physical, energetic, and spiritual bodies. The lack of goal orientation was enlightening.

Vaginas are literally worshipped in Tantra. They are there to simply receive pleasure, without having any pressure to give back. This change of perspective permitted my body to find that deep state of relaxation that had eluded me all these years. Breath work allowed me to connect deeply with my sexual energy as I learned how to bring myself into different states of arousal.

My vagina has a brain and it stored all the physical and emotional pain of my past. Slowly, over time, and after many G-spot and somatic sex therapy sessions, the trauma in my body began to dissipate. As I released this physical and emotional pain, my vagina began to re-wire itself.

Soon it was able to understand that sex equals pleasure, rather than pain.

Now my vagina is my best friend! I love how much pleasure it gives me, I love how much wisdom it contains, I love what a powerful instrument it is, I love that it wants to protect me.

And now, my vagina and I are finally one.

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Editorial Assistant: Jessica Sandhu / Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: elephant archives

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Xanet Pailet