March 13, 2014

Why I Don’t F*ck Spiritual Guys. {Adult}

Warning: graphic language ahead. 



I like fucking all kinds of people.

But when it comes to “spiritual guys,” I just can’t fuck ‘em. Or, more precisely, they can’t fuck me.

It’s not that I don’t fuck spiritual guys from lack of wanting. I don’t fuck spiritual guys because they don’t know how and aren’t willing to be fucked themselves.

Let’s not confuse a “spiritual guy” with a mature, fully integrated spiritual man; so I’ll define what I mean by “spiritual guy.”—

It has little to do with whether or not he believes in God and a lot more to do with what he thinks about his own humanity. Many “spiritual guys” come with a belief that they are “better than” their physical selves and should “rise above” their baser instincts.

I often see this kind of man in “conscious communities.” He’s all about being “heart-centered” and having “slow, tantric sex.” He walks around with a glassy stare, never gets angry, talks in a creepy whisper and greets every hot woman he meets with the ubiquitous “spiritual guy” pick-up line, “Namaste.”

He professes that money is evil, believes that commitment robs him of his enlightenment and prefers eye-gazing over hair-pulling. He is a participant in a kind of “spiritual sexism” that we often see in “conscious communities,” i.e. reaching for the ethereal stillness (masculine) while rejecting the material chaos (feminine).

While I have nothing against heart-centeredness and eye-gazing, a man who prioritizes “higher” virtues ends up disconnecting himself from his lower three chakras and committing the equivalent of energetic castration.

Imagine a car with no engine or gas. No matter how “loving,” “nice” and “sweet” it looks on the outside, without the raw material to fuel it, the car won’t run.

However “spiritual guys,” tend to demonize and negate their own “fuel.” Then they use the name of tantra as a tool to bypass the “nasty” work of being human and try to get laid by pretending that their cocks have magical, healing “spiritual” powers.

Traditional tantra teachings believe that everything is fuel for awakening.

Cosmic Eye Divine AwakeningLooking at tantra from an etymological perspective, tan means expansion and tra means liberation. So rather than excluding and rejecting the coarser parts of ourselves, we expand and liberate ourselves through alchemy, converting megalomania (third chakra), lust (second chakra) and anger (first chakra) into purpose, desire and power, respectively.

In order for a man to fuck, he himself must be willing to be soul-fucked by Spirit. He must fall on the ground in love with surrender. He must expose and accept every part of himself while in connection with his partner. Only then can he hold a woman in total presence and approval of everything she throws at him. The combination of compassion and animal-power is what pins a woman down and penetrates her to her aching core.

To be fair, a more “worldly” man in our society, i.e. one who is open in the lower chakras and closed in the upper, cannot truly fuck either. His lack of emotional connection, unwillingness to speak vulnerably and dependency on linear scripts of relating prevent him from deeply feeling a woman and earning her trust. His material merits may win him points in the immediate “pick-up” game, but he will lose out in the long-term.

Not to say that every sexual encounter needs to be a step towards a long-term relationship. This is where we women often lie about our own desire, using the old excuse “I’m waiting for ‘the one'” as a shield against feeling the magnitude of animal hunger that lives within us.

The feminine fable about “the one” is what makes men more apt to don the “spiritual guy” mask. He thinks if he acts humble and nice and safe and “conscious,” he can win the prize (her pussy). But ultimately he is cheating himself (and women) of an opportunity for awakening.

By acknowledging our shame, rage, greed, lust, victimhood, hatred and addictions, we get to know and love the human parts of ourselves and learn to work with these pieces as allies, rather than having these shadow bits secretly run the show and hijack our power.

When we courageously allow our soul-fucked selves to show up sexually, it invites the people we love to expose their blessed and wounded parts and sets the stage for trust, connection and intimacy. Then we come to know the true essence of tantra: that there really is no separation and that everything—divinity, humanity, ordinary, mystery, light, dark, earth, heaven—is a vital and necessary ingredient on the spiritual path.


Relephant Reads:

How Can You Be Spiritual & Sexual? ~ Ben Belenus

The Most Harmful Stereotype about Men & Sex.

Men in Yoga Pants. {Hilarious Photos}

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Editor: Bryonie Wise



COVERi9WP_crop   Article adapted from its original appearance in Corset Magazine.

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Istudysanskrit Mar 18, 2014 9:25pm

The sanskrit suffix -tra does not mean liberation. The verb root tan- can indeed mean expansion…the -tra suffix means…well…"means". Thus the term Tantra is literally "a means of expansion". Just a little input from a Sanskrit/Tantra (no not the new age appropriation but the actual Indian medieval texts) scholar. Otherwise…I enjoyed your piece. Cheers.

Mike Hrostoski - The Men's Coach Mar 17, 2014 1:07am

Wow, high five on this one Candice. So so good. I’ll definitely be sharing this. Much respect for clearly articulating this complex issue.

Xsage Mar 16, 2014 9:58am

LM"Fucking"AO – What a Hilarious Article! Spiritual Bonding between a Man and Woman Is Not About Fucking. Which means You CAN fuck a "spiritual guy" but your saying you choose not to because they don't know how to fuck. Quite possibly they are using a spiritual facade to excuse their "less than manly" abilities in the bedroom. However, that leaves you with "Fucking Idiots" – LMAO! Perhaps a religious man, but doubtfully Spiritual.
Slow Tantric Sex, is nothing to make fun of. If the Man and yourself know what you are doing, and I doubt both, it IS The Ultimate Sexual Experience! But you Do have to Get Past your carnal desire to "fuck" ~ Fucking and Spiritual Lovemaking are two completely different things.
Have You ever had a 3 hour continuous shared orgasm with a man while intertwined an connected to him?(probably not).. And Astral Traveled during this experience?(Extremely Doubtful).. And had complete and Conscious Healing Take place during this experience?(your admittedly all jacked up) – if not, it's because you're to busy fucking.. Which Means..
YES – You Are Fucking Yourself! ~ Fucking Yourself Out of a Truly Spiritually Enlightening and Truly Healing Experience ~*~
Candice – you write this article about why you don't fuck Spiritual Guys, yet you are Married? You act like you know things about Tantra, yet you talk about "fucking"? You say you have found this meditation practice that you are teaching, but you are only 33 years old and it seems you have very little experience living a healthy spiritual life style?

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Candice Holdorf

Candice Holdorf is a writer, performer, sex + life coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She is currently working on her book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.” You can pre-order your copy here. She is a writer for elephantjournal and The Good Men Project, as well as a performer and public speaker specializing in desire, sexuality and Orgasmic Meditation. She is also a former yoga teacher and recovering anorexic who has discovered that there is tremendous power inside of hunger. Find out more about Candice on her blog, follow her on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube