Everyone wants to be healthy and to live their fullest, best life, but are you really doing all you can? Sure, you go to hot yoga and drink your kale smoothies, but have you tried these hot new wellness trends?
No? Then what are you waiting for?
- Beef Cleanse. Beef cleanses have been popular in the remote regions of the Vaccus Mountains for thousands of years. Indigenous peoples in small villages hidden in this mysterious mountain range are said to live to be over 150 years old and anthropologists say their secret is beef cleansing, also known as beef fasting. Think of it as a juice fast, except with beef. Instead of eating healthy balanced meals filled with fruits, grains and vegetables, eat nothing but beef for ten days. There are rare compounds and complex amino acids found in beef that aid the human body in cleansing and removing toxins from the system.
- Vodka Pulling. Sure, some people swear by oil pulling, but they’re missing out on the true benefits of vodka pulling. Simply take a large mouthful of vodka, swish it around and hold it in your mouth as long as you possibly can. Be very careful not to spit the vodka in the sink. Vodka must be swallowed for it to work properly. Repeat. Then repeat again. Actually, repeat about four or five more times or until you begin to feel the vodka pulling taking effect. Unlike oil pulling, the benefits of vodka pulling can be felt pretty much immediately, although the next day you may need a beef cleanse to fully balance your system.
- Yoga Fighting. Yoga fighting is all rage now at the hippest Ashrams worldwide. Since the beginning of recorded time, people have used yoga to relieve stress and to achieve enlightenment. The problem is, that sometimes in the middle of yoga class, we sometimes just want to punch someone in the face. Well, now you can. If you’ve ever felt like kicking that annoying woman next to you—the one with the lip implants who will not stop moaning all through class, yoga fighting is for you. A blend of mixed martial arts, cage fighting, WWF, Hatha and Kundalini, yoga fighting is more ass-kicking than Ashtanga, but you’ll never leave a yoga class feeling calmer. Or more bruised.
I’m just kidding. None of these are real, so please don’t call me when your beef cleanse doesn’t quite work out. It’s just a joke. I couldn’t resist a little leg pulling (more fun than vodka pulling if you ask me) on April Fool’s Day.
With all the different things we try to make ourselves healthy, some almost as ridiculous as these three, one of the truly healthiest practices is to simply have a good laugh as often as possible.
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Editor: Jenna Penielle Lyons
Photo: elephant archives