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May 4, 2014

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Making fun of our President, our Press & Hollywood.

It’s a profound night in American politics—the so-called #nerdprom, where (as President Obama says, below) we allow the jester to rule the king, we allow our government and our press to get and be given hell. And, it’s fun, and funny.

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner:

McHale was half funny, and half brutal. And like he said, that’s what’s great about America—free speech.

11:04pm: McHale: “And thank you, C-SPAN viewer.”

11:03pm: McHale: “I do an impression of Robert De Niro’s agent … Ring ring! He’ll do it!”

11:01pm: McHale: “People are overlooking another issue [about Duck Dynasty’s Willie Robertson]: He really hates ducks.”

11:01pm: McHale: “There are a lot of celebrities here tonight. They’re the ones who don’t look like ghouls.”

10:59pm: McHale, on Fox News: “Their key demographic? The corpses of old people who tuned into Fox News and haven’t yet been discovered.”

10:58pm: McHale: “At this point, CNN is like the Radio Shack at a sad strip mall. You don’t know how it stayed in business this long, you don’t know anyone that shops there, and they just fired Piers Morgan.”

10:57pm: McHale: “CNN is desperately searching for something they’ve been missing for month: their dignity.”

10:57pm: McHale: “I do think you’re making a big mistake with Putin. You have to show a guy like that you’re just as crazy as he his. He invades Crimea, you invade Cancun. He takes back the Ukraine you take back Texas. Something to think about.”

10:56pm: McHale: ”Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.”

10:56pm: McHale: “White House press secretary and boy detective Jay Carney is here.”

10:55pm: McHale: “You are healthy, which is great. Every year, the doctor checks your colon for polyps… and George Clooney.”

10:54pm: McHale: “Ted Nugent called you a sub-human mongrel. And it’s questions like that that really make question whether we can take the guy who wrote ‘Wang Dang Sweet Pun Tang’ seriously anymore.”

10:53pm: McHale: “He’s going to kill me.” [After a string of bridge jokes about Chris Christie.]

10:52pm: McHale: “Will Donald Trump run again? And the answer is, ‘Does that thing on his head crap in the woods?’”

10:51pm: McHale: “It also raises the question… when the baby is born, do you give Bill Clinton a cigar?”

10:50pm: McHale: “Chelsea Clinton is pregnant… so in nine months, we will officially have a sequel to Bad Grandpa.”

10:50pm: McHale: “Hillary Clinton has a lot going for her… as our first female president, we could pay her 30 percent less.”

10:49pm: McHale: “Right now, Joe Biden is elbow-deep in jalapeno poppers and talking to a construction cone he thinks is John Boehner.”

10:47pm: McHale: “Between Rob Ford, Justin Bieber, and Ted Cruz, you just want to tell Canada, hey, relax, we already have a Florida.”

10:46pm: McHale: “It’s a thrill to be here in Washington, D.C., the city that started the whole crack-smoking mayor craze.”

10:46pm: McHale: “This is the 100th year of the White House Correspondents’ Association. Yes, 100 years ago, CNN was only searching for the Wright Brother’s plane.”

10:45pm: McHale: “Tonight’s show is being broadcast on C-SPAN. C-SPAN is like one of those Paranormal Activity movies. It’s just grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted with images of people you’re pretty sure died a few years ago.”

10:44pm: McHale: “E! is also home to the Kardashians, who, believe it or not, are Republicans. And I know that because they’re always trying to screw black people.”

10:44pm: McHale: “I promise tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like Christie’s presidential bid. I’ve got a lot of these tonight, so buckle up Chris Christie… excuse me, extender buckle up.”

10:43pm: McHale: “Michelle Obama, You’ve been very kind to me and my family… especially when you showed us how to tear a phone book in half with your bare hands.”

10:41pm: McHale: “How about the president’s performance tonight, everyone? It’s amazing that you can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said you’d closed the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay.”

10:41pm: McHale: “I think he’s one of the all-time best presidents…definitely in the top 50. Someone explain that to Jessica Simpson.”

9:54pm: Joel McHale: “If there’s anyone I’m excited to roast tonight? If Putin is there, that would be a really big deal.”

 

Previous years here. And here’s the all-time best (Stephen Colbert):

 

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