I Love You & So I Must Let You Go.

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broken man sad

My dear, I am tired.

I am a man who has seen the way through the forest but who has taken too many wrong turns to continue.

Your way is beautiful and wonderful and peaceful and hopeful. And it requires much of me. I must shed so much of myself to walk by your side that there is almost nothing of me left at all.

You see, my darling, I come broken. I am pitted with holes and worries, fears and needs. It has become clear that no amount of wishing I was a different man actually makes me a different man. I can no longer abandon myself the way I have. And abandoning myself has been the only way to preserve your wonderful beauty.

I long for the magician who can transform me in to the man with no needs, but he has yet to visit me. And I am as yet unable to transform myself. Which leaves me still the man that causes you pain by being hurt myself.

The wounds I come with drag you down and destroy your Zen. I taint your peace and shatter your happiness. Please believe that I do not do so with intent my dear. I simply find it unbearable to hide the parts of me you would rather not see.

A better man perhaps could release his needs to nurture yours. But I am yet to become that man.

My darling, I am different to you. But I wish I were not. I pray so often to be transformed in to the man I know you wish I were. For it is when I manage to hold that mask long enough that you love me the most. And now I am tired. I have fought and battled and struggled with myself to be only the parts of me you love. But the ugly parts live on. The needy parts, the lonely parts, the jealous parts and the part that wants to interact with your sexual side as much as your intellectual side. They live and breathe and cause you pain.

Can you understand that I am not asking you to change? I accept you just as you are and long for the day when I can change to meet you there. The day that I can be the man I can see you need. Perhaps that day will be tomorrow. However I have had that hope for too many yesterdays to believe that still.

What a beautiful story we could be. Me standing faithfully by your side, dedicated to you and wanting nothing but your company. Patiently waiting for you to find your way, knowing you would find your way back to me.

But I am a weaker man than that.

I cannot lie about my want for you, my need for you and my unhealthy, selfish and total dependence on you.

Please rejoice in the fact that I saw you and I felt you and that I agree with you.

Your way is better. It is more beautiful, more pure and perfectly lovely.

I am simply unable to do it with you.

My love, this isn’t goodbye. This is surrender. God knows I’ve tried to change but I am no longer willing to be the blockade to your happiness I thus far have been.

You are beautiful and wonderful and everything I ever dreamed of. Be that still. And perhaps we will make love in our dreams. And there you can have the parts of me you love most. You can have me as I wish I were too.

I love you. And that is why I must let you go. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your love. I have.

With a planet heavy heart, I love you. I always will.

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Andy Charrington

Andy Charrington loves to write, works for himself, has three sons and lives in Birmingham UK.

You can read more of his writing on his Facebook page where he is spending a year writing and publishing something every day as part of his “Adventure”.

You can also support him on his Patreon page here.

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anonymous Mar 16, 2016 7:23am

This resonated with me so strongly, I’m sat here sobbing. My ex partner committed suicide last week because I couldn’t be with him any longer, no matter how much I loved him I couldn’t fit his broken pieces back together. I read it as though it was written from him. A beautiful soul too damaged to continue this difficult life. R.I.P Raymond, I love you. Forever and ever.

anonymous Feb 12, 2016 3:06pm

This touched me deeply. It was like hearing the words my soon-to-be-ex has uttered to me in our current relationship. It hurts us both to let go, but yet it’ll cause greater harm to hang on. I love his beautiful soul & I have no doubt he loves mine. We’ve both changed so much with our hope, dreams, & roles we desire. I wish he would have held my hand as I face these changes, but he won’t. They are too big, too scary. He cannot hear over the loud sea of change that I want is what I’ve always wanted- to be loved for who I am where I am. It is not anything I don’t freely give to myself & him. But.. it is too much for him because he cannot love himself. I hope you have a better standing than that… because all deserve a radical form of self-love.

anonymous Feb 5, 2016 4:58pm

Wow Andy, that was very intense reading. I feel like it is something that my ex could have written. Standing on the other side… I would have stayed and chosen to work together to fight his demons with him. Yes they hurt me. But loving someone means loving the ugly as well as the lovely. I meant my vows. I meant that commitment, even though at the time no one really knows what that entails or means. It broke my heart. It tore my family apart. Looking back, maybe it was the best decision because his addictions were more important than we were. I don’t know. I still think it could have been different. We could have been different. At some point we do have to protect ourselves and our children and admit that we can’t always be what the other person needs, I suppose, but it’s also important to let the other person be apart of that decision perhaps.. I don’t know. It’s raw and I am rambling. Thank you for your vulnerable post. It was beautifully conveyed. I could give you a hug. Blessings. Never stop thinking and learning and being who you are. Believe in yourself and those that love you. Often times others see things in us that we can’t see in ourselves. It behooves us to trust them in that.

anonymous Jan 26, 2016 7:56pm

Just wow!!!
Love your vulnerability in this piece.
And while I think some in the comments section have called BS (and rightfully so), there’s still a component which speaks volumes. For me, having had to deal with some demons (as we all do), it took me some time to realize that she wasn’t willing to be at my side while I did and in fact excerbated them. And once I freed us both from a very long relationship, which produced two beautiful children, we’re both in better places. And not to hang it all on her. While I was dealing with mine, I didn’t notice hers entirely for what they were.
So with that, I told her I didn’t know how to love her anymore. Fessed up to my mistakes. And set sail.
While I love her and care for her, I would not welcome a relationship with her moving forward, outside of what we have to have in light of our children.

anonymous Nov 27, 2015 3:42pm

For him: Are you thinking of me when sharing this? Honestly, I like it better when you stay and don’t talk about sending my friends romantic messages 🙁 But this is not about what I like, I know. Letting me go seems to be the theme lately, which I can understand. The nauseous heavy feelings of heartbreak are washing over me. My breath gets caught in my chest and freezes there. I will do my best to part gracefully.

anonymous Nov 16, 2015 9:52pm

Hi, I have a quote that I wrote as “I love you so I have to let you go reply. TRANSLATION: ‘I want to watch violent movies, porn, and eat the worst foods out there, that I enjoy. I have strong judgements against other people, will mock them at will and live without a plan for tomorrow. I don’t understand your lack of participation or even not wanting to do what I want” so with that, let’s live separate lives….’ Does anyone know where this came from? I’d love to read the article again. I thought the title was I love you so I have to let you go reply but can’t find it. If anyone has any bells ringing about this, please let me know.

anonymous Nov 9, 2015 11:00am

Come on! Isn’t it easier saying the truth? Being honest? I love you but…..

No one try to change no one. It’s simple:

I love you but in a different way. I love you but not to be your man/girl anymore.

I love you but something turned off. No flame. But I love you. What means I don’t love you anymore or IT’S OVER. (and it’s not my fault it’s yours)

That’s lovely?

anonymous Oct 17, 2015 3:50pm

I just broke down after reading this beautifully heart broken and to the point written letter. I feel like the author just expressed every word I haven’t had the courage to say it to myself for months. It is very painful to let go of someone you love insanely because you’ve been hurting him with that same insanity. The more I tried to be a better person the lesser I became one. As if my insecurity triggers more jealous behavior to sabotage my attempt to make us happy. I’m frightened I might one day find out that I have been holding on to him just because I was feeding my lack of self worth with his love and there was no love from my part after all.

anonymous Oct 16, 2015 4:10pm

Thank you for writing this. I wish my ex-fiancé could have done so, as I imagine it is how he would have expressed himself if he could. Sharing this will help heal so many women (and men) in dysfunctional relationships, especially emotionally or verbally abusive. We were led to believe it was all our fault, their anger, jealousy etc. caused by us. We understand your demons and brokenness. We plead for you to face it, get help to heal so you can also be as the partner you want to mirror and be with. It breaks our hearts that we were not worth it, our beauty and love not enough to help sooth and heal you. Anyone that has lost a man or woman like this knows she couldn’t have loved him into himself. Only he can. You will be writing this same letter and letting go of your chance at true love over and over again, until you acknowledge the hurt, forgive everyone, accept it, and accept your responsibility to change. You choose the behavior, you choose to hurt your partner, you choose to be unavailable, you choose your old patterns. You are the magician you are waiting for. Stop waiting. You know what needs to change. Life is too short.

anonymous Oct 7, 2015 4:31am

I had to read this twice….I'm not what to say about this but I have something with a guy who is just like this in terms of his flaws. It's so weird for me to read this as it resonates so much in me.

anonymous Aug 5, 2015 11:42am

Beautiful, this is how I feel about a man I dated a few years ago how he tried to be a better man but followed his ego instead whatever it is I wish him happiness and have let him go, this post reminded me of the beauty I saw in his soul once
that is now replaced with someone who is a stranger to me, I believe in God and I know that this way the way it was meant to be and put my life and future in the hands of the universe
its the most beautiful place to be especially when you have a broken heart

anonymous Jul 15, 2015 11:06pm

I don't think the author is writing from a selfish point of view, in fact I think its the very opposite. This man is me. I am this person. A year and a half ago my partner of 7 years and I moved from our home in the US to Australia to chase a dream. During this time, I was diagnosed at 27 with a chronic condition that spiralled me into a deep depression and. Today, 7 months later, I battle constant anxiety. I am so broken. I have been trying to get better but it's hard to heal so far away from my family and friends and all I know back home. My heart aches every day and my gut feels sick, so torn… do i try and continue to float with my head barely above water, grasping on to that precious man that I love for dear life? Is staying worth losing myself and my sanity? Is it fair to him to be my one and only crutch? Am i destroying him and ruining our chance for a future together in the process? I love him so much but I can not get better here. If i stay, I'll be a shell of the person he fell in love with. Because of this I must leave.

anonymous Jul 10, 2015 8:56pm

This is my life. But the other way around. It makes me sad. Reading this. Thinking I may never have my beautiful girl back. And our family.

I hope she grows to who she wants and needs to be. And I am and can be apart of it.

This is a sad story. But I hope my story does not end the same way.

anonymous Jun 22, 2015 8:28am

As someone who has been told things just like this, I feel the need to call BS. If you don't want to be with someone, that's fine. But to say "I'm doing it because it's what's best for you," is insulting. She can decide what's best for her. If she loves you, knowing your flaws and faults, that's on her. Just be honest, walking away is about what you want, what you need – not some self-sacrificing gesture of love.

    anonymous Oct 16, 2015 5:21pm

    I think honesty is the best policy – ALWAYS! Leaving a relationship is a decision one person makes for his / her wants & needs. I don't think leaving someone shows any kind of love.

anonymous Jun 21, 2015 11:13pm

Jealousy is indeed a complicated beast. It know no logic, and very little can be done to quiet it. I had a boyfriend, a phenomenal man who was intelligent, charming, sexy, fun, affectionate, playful, and so many other amazing things. But he was consumed with his insecurities, and he allowed his inability to sit with being uncomfortable and his secret self-loathing to dictate how he treated me. He often accused me of cheating on him, of making him uncomfortable, of forcing him to ask questions. He put me down a lot, and often treated me with disdain when I would offer him affection. In the end his abusive behavior forced me to leave him. It was turning me into a shell of myself, and I was becoming just as mean and insecure as he was. I’m still recovering from our time together, more than a year later. The only excuse he was ever able to offer me was that he loved me so much it scared him, and he had to hide it. Well, he did a good job. When he told me that I laughed. And then I cried.

Andy, when you realize that controlling jealousy isn’t a matter of turning it off, but of developing your own ability to love yourself and be more comfortable with your fears, you’ll be an incredible partner for a very lucky person. In the meantime, I give you major props for recognizing that your insecurities could do lasting damage and letting your partner go. I hope you do reach the point someday when you feel truly worthy of being loved, and are able to sit with your shadow and allow that love in.

anonymous Jun 21, 2015 11:06am

Very interesting piece and ensuing comments. I would love it if you wrote more on the theme of jealousy! i also struggle with a monstrous jealousy which i have allowed to destroy every single relationship i have had, in one way or another. It took me many years to even accept that i am jealous…and even more years to see quite how powerfully it was sabotaging my relationships. I then spent a period of 3 years abstaining and in celibacy…imagining that i could heal this better by myself…but i now see that it was just yet another avoidance technique and that it is only through relationship that i can heal this. But it is tricky.. ive realised that although my core (false) belief is that 'every man will leave me for somebody else' (as happened in my parents' relationship) that has in fact never ACTUALLY HAPPENED to ME! In all my relationships i have made sure that I sabotage things in a multitude of different ways in order to preemptively prevent the 'core belief' from happening. Jealousy is so tricky and slippery it can disguise itself very well in many different forms…but eventually i saw the common denominator: Essentially…i ABANDON MYSELF before the other can – every single time, just in differently flavoured ways – thereby actually fulfilling the prophecy of rejection and suffering – sabotaged by my own hand. And in the process actually rejecting and hurting the other (which is the obvious part ive only just started to realise…cos for so long i still identify myself as the victim, but i am actually VENGEFULLY hurting the other!!!). What can i say? Jealousy sucks!!! I pray that one day i can heal this. I pray that for you too! In the meantime, would love to read more about jealousy and how others have experienced it?! Through comprehension and honesty and acceptance we CAN heal. Namaste xx

anonymous Jun 21, 2015 10:21am

This piece touched me deeply. It feels like the words my wounded ego and confused mind have been waiting to hear for some time. I think you speak to and for many people with this piece, which only shows how connected we all are. Thank you so much.

anonymous Jun 21, 2015 3:00am

Very interesting piece and ensuing comments. I would love it if you wrote more on the theme of jealousy! i also struggle with a monstrous jealousy which i have allowed to destroy every single relationship i have had, in one way or another. It took me many years to even accept that i am jealous…and even more years to see quite how powerfully it was sabotaging my relationships. I then spent a period of 3 years abstaining and in celibacy…imagining that i could heal this better by myself…but i now see that it was just yet another avoidance technique and that it is only through relationship that i can heal this. But it is tricky.. ive realised that although my core (false) belief is that ‘every man will leave me for somebody else’ (as happened in my parents’ relationship) that has in fact never ACTUALLY HAPPENED to ME! In all my relationships i have made sure that I sabotage things in a multitude of different ways in order to preemptively prevent the ‘core belief’ from happening. Jealousy is so tricky and slippery it can disguise itself very well in many different forms…but eventually i saw the common denominator: Essentially…i ABANDON MYSELF before the other can – every single time, just in differently flavoured ways – thereby actually fulfilling the prophecy of rejection and suffering – sabotaged by my own hand. And in the process actually rejecting and hurting the other (which is the obvious part ive only just started to realise…cos for so long i still identify myself as the victim, but i am actually VENGEFULLY hurting the other!!!). What can i say? Jealousy sucks!!! I pray that one day i can heal this. I pray that for you too! In the meantime, would love to read more about jealousy and how others have experienced it?! Through comprehension and honesty and acceptance we CAN heal. Namaste xx

anonymous Jun 20, 2015 4:41pm

I should’ve known this was you. You are such a beautiful soul. This has again touched the deepest depths of my being. Thank you.

anonymous Jun 20, 2015 4:21am

Thank you for writing this from your heart 🙂

anonymous Jun 20, 2015 12:25am

This is exactly how I felt when I realized that I too loved her but I had to let her go. The confusion was such that I almost committed suicide but I was able to find the strength to reach out. I didn't understand this type of love. It's called being an adult and letting things be as they are, not how we want them to be. To be me, I had to set her free. I wish I had been so eloquent when I said goodbye.

anonymous Feb 12, 2015 10:50pm

Heartrending…
Lovely..
Tragic.

anonymous Feb 7, 2015 8:59pm

I'm sorry, but I cannot see this as love.
It is the same thing that people who commit suicide say to loved ones…
It is selfish love.
You are saying it's too hard to try and be a better man…she deserves better?
That is true, but not because of what you feel are your faults.
She deserves a man that loves her enough to never quit trying. That is all that really matters.
This is a cowardly way to make yourself feel noble and not face what you have done. Which is leave someone that loves you, broken hearted and alone. You have made this about yourself, not what you have done to another person. There is nothing sweet or giving about it. It's pure selfish.

anonymous Nov 6, 2014 4:28pm

Even as a woman this resonates and I feel as though I could’ve written something similar. So many times I’ve thought about walking away because in my own way, like so many others, I’m broken. I can’t be person wants all the time, and although I’ve said that on more than one occasion he insists that he has no expectations of me. I’m the only one holding myself to any standard. So I stay. Flawed and broken and trying to figure it all out, I stay because he insists he wouldn’t have it any other way. The right person will love you despite what you view as your flaws. The right person will want to be there as you work on yourself and become the person you want to be and they will love you through it. True love is unconditional.

anonymous Oct 30, 2014 1:07pm

this is beautiful <3

anonymous Oct 24, 2014 5:29pm

I don't like this… my gut reaction. Someone leaving because they feel unworthy… ? Maybe if it isn't working out, that is all that is really going on here… Is there really a need to make it into "you're a better person than I, so I am leaving you because your light is too much for me… ?"

anonymous Oct 19, 2014 9:29am

I felt like my ex fiancé talking to me. He said almost the same thing as you. I was angry, hurt and disappointed. But i knew i have to understand. I cant thank him enough for letting me go. His love towards me was phenomenal. He is a broken soul but a beautiful person. I love him always.

anonymous Oct 6, 2014 8:34pm

Well that's sad. He should just communicate with her, and I bet she would still love him. Warts and all. Speaking from experience 🙁

anonymous Oct 5, 2014 8:03pm

Andy,

Thank you for this. It brought tears to my eyes because I will never hear this from my partner who I'm divorcing…. and yet, it fills the wounds that have been left behind…

anonymous Oct 5, 2014 1:16pm

I see such beauty in this. I think it is possible to truly, deeply love someone and yet have the knowing that you cannot, in your present state, bring them the happiness they need or deserve. You can see the beauty in someone and yet know that you have so much more to heal for yourself that you cannot yet trust your own judgement to decide if they are right for you, or if your love is "healthy". There is immense love in saying that we are each wounded; that I am not able to keep being who you need because I am tired and I need to heal myself. It is real and honest and raw……and after it is said your partner can say "go, because you are not what i need" or "go, because you or I need to heal" or "stay, I want to heal ourselves and stay together". Life is so full of the gray area………….and to learn to live with the sadness within our souls, as well as the happiness is scary. Not all of us know we can do it "with" someone.

anonymous Aug 14, 2014 3:10pm

This is more like a letter to women, most of us I’m sure have ached at one time in our lives to receive such beautiful words. This is powerful. Raw and simply heart rendering.

anonymous Aug 1, 2014 12:48pm

wow. so painful. i feel like that women and even as i read it I ask why? Why can't you become it if you can see it? Come dance in the light…. hmmm beautiful piece thank you.

anonymous Jul 31, 2014 3:16pm

This made me cry.
I was left by a man that had needs that I didn't understand, not until very late in the relationship and by then I felt abandoned and hurt by him. The resentment was too thick.
He left because he knew he had sacrificed a part of himself to be with me that he was not ready to let go of, a part of himself that he had not yet even figured out.
This helps with the empathy. I've been stuck in anger and hurt, but I've failed to really understand what this has all been like for him. Thank you for helping me find a little more space in my heart.

anonymous Jun 25, 2014 9:38am

Thank You for your reply~it is very much appreciated. I feel we are all works in progress, and we are continually writing in our book…, but I also feel that in order to face ourselves we need to be in the actual experience rather than in our heads experiencing an experience. With that expressed, jealousy is a prime experience that is an excellent lesson on how to deal with our emotions. So many times we tamp down and hold on, press down, not acknowledge how we feel. How is a person to learn, experience if we are not acknowledging ourselves and feelings? The very trigger that which makes one insecure is a path to identifying a part of us that needs us, and gentle acknowledgement and that is where our work begins. It that great courage to love another, but to love and be honest with ourselves is true courage. To see love and compassion and to know your partner accepts you and loves you allows you space to be, learn, experience and return, perhaps battle worn, but experienced and understood. After all are we in a relationship to help each other discover ourselves and grow? Our feeling are our built in GPS to guide us and we ALL, every part of us deserves our Love and attention. I feel we and our relationships are worth the travel and experience and lean into those "scary" feelings. Where you resist it persist and all our emotions can be a gateway to understanding, healing within ourselves. If a loved one holds us accountable what of it? were they cruel? is it truth? your truth? or are you BSing yourself and another perspective or calling out could be your partner helping you get past and through. We all are deserving of our own goodness and a lot of times we find it through our Shadowed selves…be good to yourself, gentle with yourself for no one deserves your forgiveness more than you. no one deserves your compassion more than you…your authentic you.

anonymous Jun 24, 2014 12:24pm

I don't believe for a second that anyone can truly feel they are leaving someone as a favor to that person's "beautiful soul" (or what have you). I think we can respect and love and care for someone deeply, but the moments we decide to break up with them, we are saying goodbye. People say goodbye because they are done with something, in this case a relationship. The author beautifully exaggerates how there is nothing wrong with this woman, but in the end the connection simply got lost. You can love and care deeply, but if you do, then you don't say this crap. You stay and you love. Can't we all just be honest and say, "I just don't love you like I used to"? Everyone is ready as they are to meet the person of their dreams. And when they do, somehow all of their flaws will seem lighter.

    anonymous Jun 25, 2014 1:02am

    Hi liz

    I think you are right, in part. And I'm not going to defend myself.

    I think connections do get lost. And I do exaggerate.

    However I don't think it's as simple as "I don't love you the way the I used to". Or at least if it is, it's more like "I don't love you like I used to and I'm terrified. Im terrified of being me, I'm in disbelief that anyone could love me as I am and it's easier to say what I said that admit all that. I'm flawed. You're flawed. And I'm a coward." . That would probably be more true.

    I'm a complicated person. I sometimes don't know exactly how I feel. And sometimes it takes a huge shift to realise what I actually feel.

    So thank you.

    And that you for everyone else who called bullshit on what may well be just that.

    I think it's ok for us to all express ourselves in the moment. But it's also ok to look back at that maturely and with honesty and say that it wasn't our deepest truth. That we are scared, broken, helpless in so many ways. But also in love.

    Thank you

    Andy

      anonymous Feb 12, 2016 6:50pm

      I am a highly flawed and dependent human being. I have too hurt my boyfriend. I have too being jealous and a lot of other things that do not make me proud. But why not strive to be better? Why not take this as an opportunity to get the energy to fight your demons?why let them win?

    anonymous Oct 22, 2015 3:26pm

    I was one of these women that this was said too. I got my beautiful email that told me I was perfect, that I was loved, that our children were loved, but that he couldn't be the man that I wanted him or needed him to be. Well 6 months later I agree with you Liz. What horse shit, if he ever truly loved us he would have never left us go, he would fight to keep our family together, selfish is what it is. You don't love someone so much that you cause them and your innocent children such devastating amount of pain.

anonymous Jun 22, 2014 9:17am

Very beautiful. Heartbreaking. It makes me hopeless, for some reason. But beautifully said.

anonymous Jun 22, 2014 3:55am

If the man I loved would have used these words to end our time together instead of the harsh absence of emotion in the cruel goodbye I got instead…. I wouldn’t have spent two years downtrodden, insecure and used.

To me this reads like a man that truly knows that he wanted to love her and did but it was she that was wanting more from him due to get own fears. He probably tried to wear the metaphorical mask as long as he could just to keep her and hope she would surrender her irrational insecurities and love him, trust him for who he really was. Because he loved her for who she was and never asked her to kneel and play dead. He knew that as much as he tried she’d always be insecure and unleveled.

He was intelligent by nature as well as a romantic, so when he knew he had to let her go he used his intelligence to show her that growth of mind, body and soul would seize for them both. And he loved her and himself enough to let go so they could grow into the path each belonged.

His heart is what turns this goodbye into words her heart would digest with a hopeful, gentle and softer blow. So after the tears and grief settled, her unquiet mind might see that the mask he wore to keep her happy was not what he deserved.

Above all else he’s try to show her she deserved to find herself and feel secure in her own skin enough to not feel she had to change true love when it’s been there all along.

This writer was truthful in his goodbye. Truthful and delicate with his departure as he was the days he first kissed her, made love to her and laughed for hours with her.

No coward is he. No victims were made. Just a class act that knew that he couldn’t fix her and breaking her heart by an easy fuck you, you did this and throw a few more straight for the juggular in be could walk his hands and move on. But instead he manned up sure knew knew he would scar her already do he scarred image of herself and love could

anonymous Jun 22, 2014 2:31am

So beautifully said. I have had to leave my partner because I love him. But really because I have to love myself first. Taking 100% responsibility for how I felt ultimately freed me from the belief that he was doing it wrong. I got to understand what my needs were and how I had always been trying to change him, so I wouldn't have to leave. Now I accept him for who he is and can love him but not be with him. It really hurts though.

    anonymous Feb 12, 2016 6:46pm

    I am on the same situation. But in my case we are giving it a try. I am focusing on loving myself and he is taking his time to do his things. I am a work in progress and so is he. Why would you have to end the relationship? why not just take some time to build the base to your most important project?. I am glad my boyfriend has been the one to encourage me to work on myself for the good of me, and I want to. Because I think it's time I take responsability for my emotions and start letting go of my past. I have way too much to be happy about.

anonymous Jun 21, 2014 11:14pm

I feel as if this was written by my ex…he had the same sweetly broken soul that I suppose most men are carrying. What I would say in response to this is…"I love you along with your flaws"…and hope that men can begin to realize we women don't need a perfect and flawless man…we just need one who loves themselves as much as they try to love us, and stays present, even when things become difficult. Women are broken too…let's try to work on ourselves separately, within unions, and allow each other the room to work on ourselves within that union. It doesn't have to be so black or white. Perfectly unbroken or alone.

    anonymous Jun 23, 2014 5:40am

    Beautifully said Kristin! Just perfect.

    anonymous Jun 25, 2014 1:03am

    Hi Kristen,

    "we women don't need a perfect and flawless man"

    That is a lesson i need to learn.

    And you are right.

    Thank you

    x

    anonymous Sep 1, 2014 6:38pm

    Hi Kristin,

    My current partner is suffering from a broken soul too.. he carries so much burden and guilt from his previous marriage.. I also feel as if this was written by him, for the most part… you see he was the one cheated on, but he seems to think it is entirely his fault… he is torn… he wants a life with me but cannot completely let go.. and I see the pain in his eyes, in his voice. We are currently long distance as I am from Australia and he L.A. When we are together all the pain seems to disappear… when we are apart, it all comes back again! If it means letting him go for the sake of his happiness then I would.. but he cannot bare that either.. I am stuck between two worlds.. All I want is his acceptance of himself.. flaws and all I love this man entirely!!

    anonymous Jun 20, 2015 10:11am

    Thank you Andy for your courage and honesty. <3
    Well said Kristin, I love your words, "Women are broken too…let's try to work on ourselves separately, within unions, and allow each other the room to work on ourselves within that union. It doesn't have to be so black or white. Perfectly unbroken or alone."
    And these two quotes resonate with me:
    “If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley
    "Is your primary motivation in your life to evolve in your ability to love yourself and others, or is it to have control over getting love and avoiding pain? The former leads to a full and satisfying life, and the latter leads to emptiness. We all have the free will to choose, moment-by -moment, what is most important to us." Dr. Margaret Paul

anonymous Jun 21, 2014 1:22pm

This resonates with me, dearly. Such beautiful words, such honesty.

    anonymous Jun 21, 2014 5:45pm

    Wow. I am spoken to, I am listening, and I love you too. This is the time where it all unfolds. This is the piece I have been waiting to read, because it is already written on my heart. Thank you Andy. Thank you.

      anonymous Jun 22, 2014 5:22am

      Thank you Cami. 🙂

      anonymous Jun 22, 2014 5:30am

      Hi Cami,

      I am so glad it has meant something for you.

      Thank YOU 🙂

    anonymous Jun 22, 2014 5:29am

    Thank you Sarah-Jean 🙂

anonymous Jun 21, 2014 1:09pm

I am curious is this person coming out of addiction? is he not faithful? does he feel that he needs more time to face demons? and feels he is not able to learn his life lessons with this companion? what of the other person's choice that they are desiring to go a path with this person and are they not permitted to share their experiences, views and perceptions without the idea of changing the other?

    anonymous Jun 22, 2014 5:29am

    Hi R.

    I do indeed have demons I struggle to face, mostly around jealousy and insecurity and spent much of my youth, when I should have been learning some important "life lessons" entwined in the mental health system. I do not believe I CAN not work through these with a partner but it can be extremely difficult for a partner to handle those sorts of issues. Especially jealousy.

    For me, the partners choice to go a path with someone is shown more than just by words or "still being there". We all stay in relationships for some very unhealthy reasons which makes staying by itself not always enough.

    I absolutely agree that the other person should be allowed to share their experiences and views and perceptions. 100%. What this piece is trying to get at is that sometimes it feels (FEELS) like the other person is simply made unhappy by another. And that anything that makes someone you love unhappy should be treated equally.

    I think there is nothing wrong with change. As long as it's done with love and without resentment. Compromise is part of commitment for me. But sometimes we can only do so much. Or at least, other things take time to change. Jealousy for example. It's an emotion and thought pattern that is highly destructive to a relationship and extremely painful for the other partner. Those things can change. But not over night. They take time. They take attention being given to the wounds that caused the jealousy in the first place. However if the pain caused by jealousy is simply too much for the other person, that is absolutely ok. It's not their fault, but it's also not my fault that I can't just turn it off. Any pain inflicted on a partner by a jealous person is only done so after they have been hurt by the jealous emotion and thoughts. Which does NOT excuse it. There's a lot more to jealousy and perhaps I'll write about it.

    Thank you for reading and being interested.

    Andy

      anonymous Feb 8, 2015 7:44am

      It's confusing to me for someone to LEAVE their relationship because they can't get a hold on their jealousy. By leaving you lose her anyways which, doesn't that ignight and fulfill what you would be jealous of in the first place? That she'd be with someone else not with you. So you choose to not control your jealousy and HAVE your lover with you and instead succumb to the jealousy and not have her and make true all the fears that the jealousy thrived on. Makes no sense. We are fully capable of overcoming jealousy. Hard indeed yes a this is coming from a very jealous prone Scorpio. But we are strong.

      anonymous Jun 20, 2015 4:03pm

      Andy, This article was beautiful! I'm so sad that it applies to my life in this moment. I realize the unhealthy feelings that result in being in a jealous relationship but want so badly to stay with my boyfriend and see him through his struggles. There are so many amazing beautiful qualities he possess that far out weigh the jealousy. I also realize I want to stay because the pain of amicably separating is killing me inside. My fear is that we won't find our way back to each other. Kindly, Michelle

      anonymous Jun 20, 2015 9:41pm

      Andy, absolutely… Your rawness and awareness is beautiful… I stood by a “you” for almost three years and the hurt that came with it almost destroyed me… I love him unconditional, however, I love me more… He does not understand the hurt he has projected on to me, since he is do consumed by the hurt and fear he holds on too so tightly… There is no right person who will come along and help you… The only one who can save you is yourself… You Will find the answers in the depth of your soul, when you see the love you were given is the Love you carried all along…
      Peace, love, light and Blessings
      NAMASTÉ

    anonymous Nov 24, 2014 1:27pm

    Oh, Andy… I too, was once a jealous and possessive girl. Then I met a man who is much younger than me and very good looking… a prettyboy if you will. He goes out of his way to make sure I know I am his One and Only and does his best to be romantic. I love seeing other women (and men!) gazing lustily at him.. if he notices, he will come over and give me a sweet, sexy kiss in front of all the haters. Never ONCE in our relationship have I been jealous because I trust him not to pursue another relationship. I have his heart like no one else Ever will… this knowledge lets me be free to let HIM be free… see what I mean? I don't mind girls ogling him because I know he will never go after them.. and with jealousy you either Know they won't cheat or, you'll NEVER Know 🙂

Niecho Vollmar Nov 24, 2017 2:01am

This is a beautifully written message of cowardice. He didn't have the cojones to tell her, "I am me. I am going to be me. I'm not going to continue driving myself nuts to be who you want when you obviously do not want or treasure the love in which I have to give. So I'm going to ATTEMPT to bow out gracefully and publicly where some will see it as beautiful, and the ones who have a clue see it for the complete and utter BS that it is."

Sarah Jane Bennett Jul 10, 2017 8:21am

This man is the masculine version of myself

Kevin Adams Jul 6, 2017 7:26am

I wonder if this is where my friends head is at sometimes - feeling an impossibility to fully realise dreams and true self as the obstacles and cost just seem too high and too insurmountabe. Its an interesting and thought-provoking piece - Tragic, heartbreakingly true and understandable for some perhaps, but I believe when two hearts and souls meet and against the odds a deep undeniable connection is made, then it is worth fighting the obstacles not matter what - for nothing is as precious - and rare - as true love. Hearts that have combined must find a way to dance on together...

Melina Powers Jul 6, 2017 2:47am

For him: But, baby, I miss you. You need someone to bring out the bad in you ;) just kidding. I don't want you to go, but I will do my best to understand.

Ape Regina Sep 13, 2016 11:19pm

Sounds like a cowardly excuse to run from commitment

Kirstie Elizabeth Aug 18, 2016 5:26pm

Oh god. Crying. And understanding.

Meg Shepherd Vollema Jul 4, 2016 12:13am

Beautiful. Thank you. Honestly, I caught myself holding my breath as I read through it. You describe love...honest, real, wanting the best for everyone even if it hurts, not hanging on out of fear of empty space. I hope to read more by you soon.

Janice Jazz Verschuere Apr 27, 2016 2:29am

I have just come from a torrid relationship with someone i loved so dearly, yet it was toxic. I feel that Andy was ghost writing for my ex lover. I have shivers down my spine, and yet, it give me some closure. I thank you Andy for your words.

Melina Powers Apr 24, 2016 5:16am

<3