I choose to lead with my open heart, regardless of the outcome.

I seek joy wherever and whenever it may be found. I have discovered it is found in the most unlikely of places.

The thumping of a wagging tail when I walk through the door.

The miracle of a sprouted seedling.

A rain storm at dawn.

The oil colored puddles reflecting the sky.

The smell of honeysuckle on a summer evening.

I don’t want the latest style of anything anymore. It makes me smile when I see people wearing expensive clothes in the latest style. I remember when I was a follower of trends, when I tried to live up to expectations.

Now, I’m glad that I am thinking about something more than my uncomfortable clothes or impressing anyone.

I don’t have to try to be anything anymore. I am what I am. No apologies.

I can’t read the small print. That doesn’t mean I don’t see or can’t read between the lines. I can pretty much sum up a person after a couple of minutes.

I can’t forget.

Those words that were spoken to me.

Holding you in my arms when you were put to sleep.

The time that we spent together.

How we laugh so hard we cry.

I know that healthy food is more expensive and time-consuming, that the tending of my soul takes patience and that moving my body takes effort and commitment. Taking care of myself is wiser than treating a symptom with a pill or surgery.

My time is precious to me. I feel a sense of urgency. I won’t waste my time with small talk or meaningless tasks. I’d rather sit in silence touching your hand and looking into your eyes than talk about the weather or gas prices or politics.

I still love to learn. I crave new experiences. I am a seeker.

Take me to a dance recital.

Let’s walk through the park in the snow at night.

We can listen to live music on a summer night and wonder where the music goes.

If you invite me, I will always, always say yes.

Because I love to be with you.

I am not afraid of making mistakes or failing. The bigger, the better. Nobody’s looking anyway. Nobody will remember.

Some things won’t change. My hands are always cold. I will be perpetually at odds with some people. Life isn’t always fair. 

I don’t want to be rushed anymore. I choose to savor.

That’s why I walk, drive and eat slow. I’ll smile and wave as others hurry by. I know I missed so much when I was going full speed.

I don’t know. Why? How? Who? When? I never did.

I have watched things fall away from me like the leaves of a tree on an autumn afternoon breeze. My youth, my temper, my need to be right.

I have learned to let things go, like having the storybook romance, of having it all, of trying like hell to be perfect.

Some things have been taken away from me. The job that I thought I would keep until I retired, that great idea, my unwavering trust.

Regardless of how they were released, I’m glad to be free of them. I have found that I don’t really need them anyway. I’ve never had anything to lose.

I can’t remember.

Where I put my keys.

To shut the cabinet doors behind me.

Why I took that chance.

My dreams.

But you can remind me.

 

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Editor: Travis May

Photo: Courtesy of Dustin Buck.