Are You in a Toxic Relationship with Yourself? ~ Kathie Holmes

Via Kathie Holmes
on Jul 17, 2014
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toxic sick

We have all heard or read about being in a toxic relationship. Those relationships where the other person continuously puts us down, emotionally abuses us and generally uses us for the benefit of their ego.

What we rarely hear about is the fact that a lot of us are actually in a toxic relationship with ourselves.

Often when we leave a toxic partnered relationship we never really spend the time on ourselves to remove the toxicity from our energy field.

For some it is simply a case of moving from one toxic relationship to the next but for others it can mean they stay single with a toxic view of the world. Unless we consciously look at who we are, the way we act, speak and think, we often come out of a partnered toxic relationship and remain in a single toxic relationship with ourselves.

The following are three of the most common toxic statements we tell ourselves and the action steps we need to take to remove them from our lives for good!

1. “I always attract the wrong type of person.”

We use the word “always” when it is anything but that. Yes you might have had a relationship or two with the wrong person at that particular time but it doesn’t mean that the attraction will always be to the wrong type of person.

Action to take:  Stop referring to the people you were attracted to in the past.

Make a conscious effort to list down the traits you want in a partner in the future. Be specific with the traits you want your partner to have and be realistic—don’t list traits that you yourself wouldn’t be able to uphold. Keep that list with you in your wallet so you always have a reminder of what you want in a partner.

 2. “I’m just not cut out to be in relationship.”

Most people have been in a previous relationship. For whatever reason, relationships fail. It doesn’t mean you weren’t cut out to be in a relationship. It doesn’t put an end to future relationships. It simply means that previous relationships didn’t work out.

That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Action to take: List the “failed” relationships from your past. List why they failed and be honest—it is rarely all one person’s fault (unless it is the case of physical or verbal abuse then yes the abuser is at fault).

Were there a lot of arguments?

What were they about?

Was communication the issue?

Was sex the issue?

Really dig deep to look at each issue and whether both parties were at fault with each issue or one party more than the other. What are the issues that you need to work on? Look at why that issue/trait is at the forefront and what can be done to remove it.  Is it from some misguided belief or a repeating pattern that was shown to you through your parents relationship? Acknowledge it and then refuse to allow it to become a trait in the future.

We often fixate on the negative traits of others but fail to see our own and then we repeat those same things in the next relationship. Unless we identify and remove those traits we cannot move forward into a successful relationship.

3. “I’m obviously not smart enough/skinny enough/funny enough…(insert your issue).”

I’m calling bulldust on this one.

The minute we tell ourselves we are not “something” to be able to attract another person is the minute we broadcast to the universe that we don’t deserve to be loved unconditionally.  If we don’t deserve to be loved unconditionally then we also do not love ourselves unconditionally.

Each of us is unique. Fat, skinny, short, tall, black, white, green or polkadots—different from each other in many ways. It is our unique personality, our way of looking at life that will attract the person that deserves to have you in their life.

Action to take: Appreciate who you are.

Take on board the compliments other people give. They don’t give them for no reason.

List down your amazing qualities that draw others to your world.  Write them out and stick them to a mirror, fridge, desk, anywhere you will see them all the time.

Absorb your unique traits. Accept yourself. Accept that it is essential to be true to yourself before being able to move into a relationship with someone who deserves the real you.

Changing the way we see ourselves, the way we react to situations and the way we value our own uniqueness are the stepping stones to creating a non-toxic life.

Imagine how much lighter it will feel when every day is faced knowing who you really are.

No pretense, no front, no being what someone else dictates.

Just being yourself.


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Apprentice Editor: Lauryn DeGrado / Editor: Cat Beekmans

Photo: Chareze Stamatelaky/Flickr


About Kathie Holmes

Kathie Holmes is passionate about helping women to be the best they can be.  Through her work as a Best Selling Author, Clarity Coach and Business Mentor she assists women to identify their true passion and bring that passion to the forefront of their lives.   You can connect with Kathie through her website or on Facebook.


17 Responses to “Are You in a Toxic Relationship with Yourself? ~ Kathie Holmes”

  1. Chelsea says:

    Love this article and the perspective it takes. Changes my way of thinking a bit.

  2. Jodie Warke says:

    Great article and so true – enjoyed reading this article Kathie.

  3. So glad you enjoyed the article Chelsea and if I have helped in some small way then I'm happy xx

  4. Thanks Jodie – your support means the world.

  5. yourhealthyattitude says:

    Great read!!! worth considering is it everyone else … really?

  6. Safrina says:

    Very helpful and insightful.

  7. Important to remember that it is often the fault of both parties but for very different reasons. It is one thing to perhaps live with, for example some who might be a narcissist but it is also another thing to always attract that type of person because of the lack of value of yourself.

  8. Thanks for reading Safrina, glad I could help.

  9. This is a topic that is rarely discussed, great to say it being put out there in such a clear and caring way.

  10. Amy E says:

    Reading this article was very timely. I just finished reading another EJ article about having the courage to be yourself. I appreciate the direct advice given in this piece. List making…right up my alley! Thanks for the insight!

  11. Steen says:

    no shit

    and slow down yourself!


  12. Thanks for your comments Maree

  13. Thanks for commenting Amy, I'm glad the article has helped. Always remember you are who you are and that is all you need to be xx

  14. Larry says:

    Please wait a second ! What it you still love that person you were attracted to but they did not or couldn't return it. You don't have contact with them And they've moved on got a better life and left you without any prayer for closure and you are a mess without resolution?

  15. Cristina says:

    Thank you.

  16. Melina says:

    I like this article. Thanks for the reminder to remember the compliments. I have made this effort in the recent past and found it helpful. When I started thinking about this I found that there are often sooo many compliments I have received and I began to wonder why I have not always seen myself the way others do. Be nicer to myself….good idea.

  17. Jas says:

    Thank you for this article! I have been reading multiple about toxic relationships with others and appreciate this angle! Like the hands on tips and
    saved this text for a rainy day.