Since venturing into the world of online dating, I’ve perused hundreds (okay, maybe thousands) of online profiles.

I find myself consistently baffled by what I find in many men’s online profiles.

(Picture me scratching my head while cocking my head slightly to the side as I squint at my laptop screen.)

So, I’ve taken the liberty of writing a generic letter to all men who are searching for quality women online with the hope that they will clean up their collective acts, and then we can all get on with the business of finding our one true love.

Dear Mr. Online Dater,

Since you are trying to attract women, not men, I am baffled by the number of fish photos I see on your profile. I do not care, (nor do I believe most women care), that you caught a 16 inch smallmouth bass.

Delete these photos, now.

A brief mention of your love of sports is fine, but again, you are attempting to appeal to women, not your buddies, thus boasting that you spend every single weekend watching sports, and selecting the username “Iluvdabears13,” “#1Hawksfan,” or “Cubbies4life,” sends the wrong message, plain and simple.

Also, posting 13 photos of the last White Sox game you attended without you in any of them doesn’t appeal to me, or most women I’d guess.

Number one rule of online dating: know your audience.

I can’t say it any clearer than this:

Do not post any selfies looking into your bathroom mirror, period.

Seeing a man standing next to an open toilet, or even a toilet paper dispenser is an immediate turn off.

Take a selfie the way that everyone else in the world does, by selecting the reverse camera view on your smartphone, extending your arm, pointing and clicking.

Worse comes to worst, have a friend take an action shot of you standing alone with a glass of wine pretending to laugh at someone just out of view. If you don’t have a single friend who can take your photo, or you don’t own a smartphone, then you shouldn’t be dating in the first place.

Just because Match.com allows you to select any age range starting at 18, doesn’t mean that you should. If you’re over 50, your lower age limit really shouldn’t be under 40, regardless of how much money you earn or how much hair you have. And a preferred age range of 18-50 doesn’t mean you’re more flexible. It means you’re either a narcissist, or you got divorced last week.

Beautiful women wearing sexy low-cut dresses with six inch stiletto heels, who appeal to your “manhood” by making sexual innuendos throughout their profiles and emails, who are 20 years your junior and who seem “too good to be true,” really are “too good to be true.”

When you find yourself entranced by one of these vixens, I want you to remember that her photos were likely taken by her Russian boyfriend, who will be hiding in the closet once she gets you back to her place so that he can jump out and beat you up, while she goes through your pockets and steals your credit cards.

Be realistic and patient, and stick with normal, nice women, with about average bodies and no hobbies.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

A normal woman with an about average body and no hobbies.

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Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith / Catherine Monkman

Photo: Mike Licht/Flickr Creative Commons