I have a hard time listening to my heart, the divine voice in me.
Have you ever felt the Universe is trying to talk with you? But, well, you are in a self-imposed box, refusing to listen? Instead, you keep repeating the same old bullshit patterns while at the same time begging for mercy.
I am famous for riding this merry go round… I imagine this conversation between my guardian angel and the Universe:
Guardian Angel: “I know I requested someone, a rather larger project, but I would like to reconsider. This girl, even with all of her self-proclaimed enlightenment, is stubborn. She cries for help. I talk with her. She refuses to listen. I think you need to bring in someone else.”
Universe: “Yes, yes, she is a difficult one. But I told you going in, the other four guardian angels quit and you still wanted her. So, I am afraid you are stuck with her. My advice is to get creative with how you deliver the message.”
Guardian Angel: “What? Creative? How?”
Universe: “Well, you might try going through the back door.”
Guardian Angel: “OK, you are losing me. The back door? Please explain.”
Universe: “Try sending her a message through a friend. Give her an opportunity to help this friend with a similar problem. Trust me on this one.”
Apparently, the guardian angel took this advice. Here is how it unfolded:
Waking up from a deep sleep, I read the following text from a girlfriend:
I can see why and how he loves her…she is so young and dynamic, easy to consume.
I pinch myself, confirming I am not dreaming.
I rub my eyes, reading these words a second time. I double-check the sender’s name, Yep, that’s what I thought I saw.
Let me fill you in on my confusion.
This text is from my amazing, soulful, beautiful, crazy intelligent and young friend. (We can call her Carol). She is sharing with me her post drinking observations of a man (Let’s call him Kevin), with whom she shares the famous “it’s complicated” relationship status.
As it happens, Kevin has a live-in girlfriend. Yet for over a year he has pursued my friend, “on the side.” He makes it clear to Carol he is not leaving his girlfriend, yet she is repeatedly lured by their “connection” and great sex (obviously).
Last week, by accident, Carol discovered her “it’s complicated” status is even more complicated. A mutual female friend, unaware of this secret love affair, shared that Kevin put some moves on her.
Are you following me? Her lover, who has a live-in girlfriend, is pursuing another “on the side” companion…right!
My friend is cool. She absorbs the information, refrains from revealing her saga. Instead, she embraces this young soul; shares a night of drinking, assessing her competition.
Hence the text I received this morning.
Guardian angel is watching me, hoping she got creative enough to elicit a response from me.
I sit with her words quite a while, pondering the authenticity of my response.
I have two degrees in the counseling arena. I have been taught to sit and listen.
I am also a yogi. Through this practice I am encouraged to meet people where they are in the moment, offering support and suspending judgment.
These options sound beautiful on a philosophical level—I was not feeling philosophical. I was asking myself, “Are you really going to stand back while she runs her car off a cliff?”
My eloquent, clinically trained, yogi loving soul opened the door to this voice inside her heart, tapping out:
Are you f****** kidding me?
My guardian breathes a sigh of relief; her creativity seems to be working! I took the friend with a problem bait!
I had so much more to say, a text response would not do—an email of perhaps epic proportions was in order. I shared:
Did Carol, the Carol I know, seriously send me a text saying she can see why he loves her? “She would be easy to use…I can see why she gets drained.” Again…Are you f****** kidding me!! I know I am being tough—I want to be tough with you right now. Actually, I want to shake the shit out of you and tell you to wake up! Wake the f*** up!
My guardian angel is starting to smile.
Whewww…take a breath, Jenny.
I continued on my rant:
So did you spend last night with her to have a better understanding of his attraction to her? I feel you are searching to understand why he would choose her…Let me help you—the same reason he chose you!
You are young, dynamic and intelligent. Shall I continue? You are blessed with creativity, a kick ass sense of humor and a delicious soul.
This man you love? He saw your beauty, just like you feel he sees in her. And even though he has a live-in girlfriend, he maneuvered himself into a place where he can consume you!
You willingly step outside yourself to be with him. He knows your passion for him defies logic. He tells you he is not leaving her; he showsyou he is not leaving. Why are you still there??
Yes, I just ripped my friend a new one, in the name of love…to help her see the light…go figure. The email goes on, but I think you get the point.
At this point my guardian angel is standing up clapping and cheering! She feels hopeful… her toes and fingers are crossed that I make the connection.
After hitting “send” I sat there for a moment and then a few more. I started to laugh. Like really laugh and then those laughs turned to quiet tears.
The situation my friend described was something eerily similar to my own life.
A “complicated” relationship status I chose to ignore. A status I created into some other illusion. I felt I needed to get the hell out of this relationship—I was lured in by the “connection.” I found every loophole possible to justify buying one more ticket on this merry-go-round-of-hell.
I admit, I am a master at staying in my intellectual mind.
I have doubted this voice many times; it’s hard to hear the voice of the divine within you when it sounds just like you, says f*** a lot. I assumed it was my inner critic, the ego trying to take center stage. For all my good training and spiritual connection I, ignored this voice, stepped outside myself to decide what I “should” do… how I could save this crumbling relationship.
The divine voice does not always sound like angels and harps. Especially if your guardian angel is exhausted from trying to reach you.
It sounds like, “WTF??? Are you serious? Do you need me to slap you?”
It sounds like us… Isn’t that beautiful? It is us.
If the voice in your heart, the divine, your guardian angel are bloody knuckled from beating down the door, give them a hand, turn the knob, open your heart…
A life-changing message might be waiting for you, wrapped in the disguise of a love fueled angry email to a friend.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editorial Apprentice: Alicia Wozniak / Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Constance Taylor/flickr