July 14, 2014

I’m Generally an Upbeat Person, but Some Days Just Suck. ~ Sarah Harvey


Between Happiness & Sadness: A Place of Power.

Today is one of those days. I’m grouchy, irritable, incredibly on edge. And that is okay. Except it’s not… because I want to understand why I feel like this.

I’ll tell you a secret:

Whenever things are going well for me, I have this intense fear that something will come along to smash my precious contentment into smithereens.

I have had this fear since I can remember. I’m constantly waiting for my big shiny, glittering bubble to be burst. It’s kind of an odd way to go about life, but it’s the only way I’ve known.

I have this fear with relationships, work, family—it’s apparent everywhere. I can’t shake the feeling that something terrible is looming around the corner. It means I can never fully relax. I can never fully enjoy a relationship, my work or my family. I’m waiting for someone to hurt me, my work to fail, for friends or family to turn on me.

I’m constantly waiting for disaster.

I do realize that with this kind of attitude I can never win. But, it’s oddly addicting. Every mistake, bad day and hurtful word from another seems to mount the evidence that my story is true. Every seeming “failure” fuels the fire.

I’m in a pickle, here. How do I get out?

Maybe it’s not so much about getting out, as getting in. Maybe it’s about diving headfirst into my feelings, into those deep, murky waters that scare the crap out of me. Maybe it’s about confronting myself directly so I can see in another way, a more objective way.

As I sit here, typing this, I am so uncomfortable with how I feel. It’s a deep, dark and unfamiliar place. A place I have little experience with, but one that intrigues me.

Now that I am here, it does not feel so sad or scary. It feels empowering to sit the entirety of my feelings. It almost feels relaxing, refreshing, reviving.

This is the place between happiness and sadness, between joy and sorrow, between pleasure and pain.

My mind is unsure what to call it, what to make of it. It’s this strange middle ground that is very new to me. All I’m sure of is that there is great power here. It’s painful, but it also feels incredibly safe. I’ll try to stay here, stay with myself as long as I can. It’s much less painful to be who we are than who we are not; to feel how we really feel, rather than how we pretend to feel.

We don’t always have to remain where we are comfortable. Go on an adventure, find a new inner place: dive into yourself.

Seek the place between happiness and sadness and stay awhile. Explore it.

Explore you.

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Apprentice Editor: Hannah Harris / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Provided by the Author

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