How to Manifest the Perfect Lover.

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Stumbling upon our perfect love.

Once in a lifetime we may come across the ideal love for us. If we’re lucky. And I got lucky.

“Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” ~ Seneca

I’ve always believed I would find him. And the waiting—not as brutal as one may think. I have never been the type to twiddle my thumbs—I got busy with self-development so I’d be ready for him when he appeared. I comforted myself with the belief that he was spending his whole life getting ready for me too. Which he was.

Here are the crucial steps to take when manifesting our dream lover.

1. Know ourselves. The key lies in understanding what makes us tick, if we are to find a complementary mate. Taking a brutally honest inventory of ourselves is a great place to start. Being my own best friend is the approach I took.

2. Opening our heart. I used to be a girl who kept her heart hidden deep in a treasure box, only cracking open the lid for a quick peek now and then. I have had a broken heart in the past and it’s definitely made me cautious to open my heart and love again.

Many years of active healing didn’t seem to change the fact that something in my heart just wouldn’t tick. I tried everything—yoga, meditation, massage and art therapy.

One day I took the advice of a friend and spontaneously flipped the switch. All I had to do was finally make the conscious decision to let go of my permanently broken heart. Voilà! It was remarkably easy.

I consciously decided to have a healed and whole heart that was ready for big love. 

3. I made a list of his character traits so I would recognize him when he showed up. Putting my wish-list on a piece of paper actually felt a little generic. Of course I wanted my Mr. Right to embody certain character traits that I fond attractive. Over the years, I hand tailored my preferences.

Kind, attentive, follows his own passions, completely intrigued by me, keeps track of my moon cycle, deep voice, honest, intelligent, classy, old-fashioned, good etiquette, respectful, enthusiastic, manly, funny, talented, thoughtful and generously uses his love and light to help others.

All I had to do was wait patiently for my man to appear. And it happened faster than I could believe.

He was my friend, Hank, who’d already been showing up in the periphery for years. The difference now—he was ready and so was I. Hank went out on a limb and invited me to open my heart to him.

Just. Like. That.

We hit the ground running.

It is so refreshing to find a man who cares about who I am and molds his love to fit me. With any wish come true, there is always the not knowing. Hank showed up with some of his own surprising qualities that I could have never dreamed up.

These are the things I love about Hank that are uniquely his own.

He’s connected to his heart, motivational, stylish, entirely present in his Tiffany blue eyes, transparent, deadly sexy and he asks a lot of questions. I love how he smells, gives me the perfect amount of compliments, reveals his personal life with timely pacing, unafraid of letting go and inspired to share his gifts and genius.

I can’t get enough of the electrifying chemistry between us and the way he affectionately man handles me, just so. He is a creative lover.

I love who I am when I’m with him. He’s a good mirror.

4. No clinging nor desperation. This is the most essential part. The boon with Hank is that all along he’s had a longish term goal of leaving the country. So, the whole relationship has had the built-in foundation of life’s unpredictability. Because we both knew we’d have to part ways one day in the near future, we never had any of the typical conflicts couples can have surrounding expectations of long term commitment.

It’s akin to a vacation romance. We’ve been able to truly appreciate and savor every moment we’ve spent with one another. The big lesson for me is to see the beauty and depth that comes without the calamities of attachment.

It’s a perfect example of the uncertainty of life.

In the end, he let me down easy. We had both seen his departure coming the whole time. Some relationships end catastrophically like a train wreck. Not this one. The mistake we avoided was the frantic clinging to each other.

Hank gracefully eased me out of his grip, placing me gently on solid ground and blew me a kiss. Although I was heartbroken, my dignity was in tact. I felt proud of Hank for embarking on a pilgrimage to follow his dreams and also proud of myself for letting him go while practicing trust and non-attachment.

Our time together did not last forever. Nothing actually does. Fortunately, I get to live the duration of my life knowing that I found and got to spend priceless time with a true love. We will always love each other.

Loving hard and fast with the built in understanding of impermanence makes my heart overflow.

Love is the most powerful force in the universe.



Relephant Reads:

Your Soulmate Isn’t Who You Think it Is. 

5 Ways to Recognize a Man Who is Connected to His Heart.

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Editor: Travis May

Photos: flickr, flickr

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anonymous Feb 20, 2016 4:51am

I was struck by the attributes for a perfect lover that you wrote down in advance. I’ve done the same, and it did really focus the mind.

But I’d like to question one attribute you nominated: ‘keeps track of my moon cycle.’

Really? Of all the things, this is what you would nominate as your 5th most important characteristic in a man?

Look, I’m the first to admit that guys are pretty bad at understanding women. But this kind of thing betrays something that’s harder for women to admit: they don’t really understand men, despite how much they might talk about men.

I’m not even gonna go into the whys and wherefores, lest a backlash ensue. Let’s just say that if you don’t understand my point, that’s kinda the problem.

Ladies, try to be a little less self-involved sometimes. Maybe that’s been the problem all along.

Good luck with the shared calendars.

anonymous May 26, 2015 9:06am

Thank you Ellen, Rebecca, Tampa and Patsie. xo

anonymous May 25, 2015 9:12pm

Oh Ashleigh Thank you for such a beautiful piece of writing! True love has just come to me recently too, after many many years of not-searching but not ever really knowing if it is really possible in this lifetime. I knew it exists and held on to the dream, but not the need, more the gift, if ever it came this lifetime. Everything you've said resonated so much and I can feel your joy and freedom, just as I feel mine everyday, and indeed it comes when least expected but when fully ready as wholeness within oneself… without any attachments nor need. It makes everything fall into place, and how every other and the past was meant to lead to this one and the present. When two souls vibrating at that same frequency connect nothing can compare. We often say to each other "… wish we had found each other earlier…" but we both know it couldn't have been any other way! Neither of us would have been ready… things are always meant to be as they are…and to experience and share an overflow of unconditional love with another of the same soul is divine, it transcends any attachment. May you continue to shine your beautiful Light and joy Ashleigh, you beautiful soul, and I send you wishes for a reunion of your special love again, this lifetime or another, for you both deserve it. Much love and sunshine to you! xo

anonymous Mar 12, 2015 7:58pm

Thank you. I needed to read this today. Two years ago I met the most amazing man. I was newly divorced and searching. I was searching for the love I felt I deserved. I'm not sure I loved this man the way he deserved to be loved. Admittedly, I was still healing from a 12 year relationship that didn't end well. At any rate, this man who stumbled into my life spoke almost immediately about marriage (an idea I believed in at the time). I wanted a "do over." Unfortunately, he lived many states away and the job he had lined up where I live, fell through. We dated for 9 months and in those 9 months he broke up w/me twice. The second time, I knew it was for good, as he was not getting what he needed from a relationship and well, me being the unattached person I am, I was okay w/the physical distance.

The last two years we have remained in contact, although sporadically. Deep down I still had hopes that some day he would move and we'd be able to have the relationship he always wanted. Well, up until a few days ago when he revealed that he is not only "seeing someone" as he put it but he told me over text that they're engaged. I think it was what I needed to hear to truly close this chapter in my life once and for all.

anonymous Mar 6, 2015 8:07am

I needed this! This is exactly where I am right now in my life. My lover leaves to return home 3000 miles away in two days. In the meantime, I want to cherish the time we will have together and not dwell on the loss of his upcoming departure. Thanks for sharing this.

anonymous Feb 20, 2015 8:19am

It is so, so much easier to allow ourselves to fall hard when we know that there is an endpoint. This is a nice stepping stone experience for you, Ashleigh… and now you might be ready for the 'real thing' where we actually sacrifice our own life goals in order to keep the relationship alive.

anonymous Feb 14, 2015 6:10am

Thanks Anna,
The best lesson I learned from Hank is that I am capable of giving my heart to someone else. I will be more brave next time the opportunity comes around for big love.

anonymous Jan 28, 2015 1:16am

Ashleigh…. with everything inside of me I hope that Hank has the very same heartache setting in & you two find a way to make y'alls true love a story with a never-ending chapter! my heart goes out to you, your beautiful spirit, your creative mind, your broken heart…. <3

    anonymous May 25, 2015 6:50pm

    Anna, this actually has a happy ending. Hank still comes to visit me about once a month and our love is as strong as ever!

anonymous Oct 13, 2014 5:31pm

I think that Hank absolutely still possess all of his quality character traits. The fact that we knew he was going to leave let me really appreciate him. The best part was not being attached to a long term outcome—we never had to fight about anything.

anonymous Sep 19, 2014 5:22pm

Great article… but ill mention this since those above me commented on it…

If Hank didnt have the desire to leave, the motivation for adventure, or whatever it may have been that pushed him to leave, would he still posses all the other traits you fell in love with? This is one of those things where while you dislike the outcome, the reasons for the outcome, were likely influential in his character, and thus part of the very reason why you love him so.


anonymous Sep 18, 2014 6:40pm

Now that my heartache is starting to sit in, I sort of feel the same way Karen.

anonymous Sep 7, 2014 7:43pm

my perfect lover wouldnt leave

anonymous Sep 1, 2014 10:35pm

Thank you Monalisa and Ange. xo

anonymous Sep 1, 2014 9:50pm

Thank you Monalisa and Ange. xo

anonymous Sep 1, 2014 2:49pm

Dear Ashleigh, your story is a beautiful spark in the dark, and it warms my heart to see that your happily-ever-after is the most ideal way for true loves to part 🙂 It shouldn't be "Till death do us part", but "Till True Love do us part" for our mutual growth and evolution. If there is no parting, perhaps there are lessons that have yet to be learned!

"Loving hard and fast with the built in understanding of impermanence makes my heart overflow." ~~Simply gorgeous, both in sentiment and expression, and it simply beckons imitation! <3

anonymous Sep 1, 2014 2:39pm

I love this! Interesting how we pick up on the traits that we desire in a partner by being around them so much, even if it takes a while to be in the right (psychological) place at the right time. ~ Renee

anonymous Sep 1, 2014 1:32pm

wow….. this really made me think. and I have to keep thinking about the last few paragraphs.. because of what i've lived. In my situation, I have let go in order to find peace…. but we never let each other go. I believe it's because we have unfinished business and that is why we hang on, him being in another country. In me letting go, I did it for me..i needed peace. I needed to be free to find more….. although in him i know i found everything… Thanks…for the words..for the inspiration and for making me think beyond…what i've been thinking and helping me find reason… in all the chaos of my mind.

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Ashleigh Hitchcock

Ashleigh Hitchcock is a simple girl with a complicated life. She has many jobs and 1000 hobbies; to stay sane, she practices meditation and yoga. Ashleigh’s greatest treasures are her friends, loved ones, and pets. When Ashleigh wants to cheer herself up, she smiles at strangers until she finds a really good one. Catch up with Ashleigh on Facebook and Instagram.