October 26, 2014

30-year-Old Virgin Considers Sex with Married Neighbor. {Advice Column}

0 Boost Score Psalm Isadora (1,510,185)

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*Warning: Adult content and language ahead!

Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s “Let’s Talk about Sex” weekly advice column!

It’s time to break the Taboo around sex! Sex is one of the most natural things we humans do, but everyone is afraid to talk about it! Every week I will take your questions about sex, love and intimacy. Ask me your burning questions. Don’t be shy—your questions will be anonymous.

To ask questions for next week, please email me at [email protected].

Share your comments on the comment board—I love it when you talk back to me!

~ Psalm

Dear Psalm,

I’m 30 years old and I’m a virgin.

I love to masturbate and masturbate at least once a day. I sometimes feel I’m addicted to masturbation.

I have a neighbor and she is married and in her early 40’s. Her husband goes out of country often work related and she shows sexual interest in me. Should I have sex with her as I’m curious about real sex?

I remained virgin because I wanted to do well in my education and did not want to get distracted due to relationship. Now at 30 I feel odd being a virgin and it stresses me.

I’m caught with my own demons. I do not want to create mess with a married women but I’m getting stressed without sex. I’m not prepared for a committed relationship so I’m not approaching any women. I’m stressed beyond description without sex. I’m dying to have real sex and not ready for committed relationship or mess with married women. I know this is complex, but I’m battling within myself.

I know that my neighbor is sexually interested because we have a common friend and she told me so. My neighbor does not know that I’m a virgin.

Dear Virgin,

I want to give you good and realistic advice because a healthy sex life is the cornerstone of a healthy life. You said that you are a 30-year-old virgin because you chose to focus on school and not be distracted. Now you will need to apply that same kind of commitment to getting a sexual education and becoming sexually literate.

1. Isolation

First, I want you to know you are not alone. I have received mail from many men like you who are 30 years and older and still virgins—you should not feel ashamed.

2. Break porn addiction

Second, we need to deal with your porn addiction. As a virgin, the only reference you have for a woman’s sexual response and pleasure is through the porn you have undoubtedly been watching and masturbating to daily.

The problem is that porn is usually mysoginistic.

The majority of porn is created by men and for men and the women are usually treated as objects and often handled roughly. I have worked with porn actresses and they have told me the orgasms are fake to please the camera, not to have pleasure for themselves. You need to educate yourself of what a real orgasm looks like and how a man can treat a woman with love and care to help her achieve real connection and climax. I created sexual education videos to teach men how to be the best lover she has ever had.

3. Sexual Surrogacy

It is important for you to have a real sexual experience so you can learn to relax. I see three possibilities for you:

Have an affair with your married neighbor
Wait to date and meet a woman
Have a sexual surrogate help you become sexually literate

Having an affair with your neighbor is the worst solution to getting sexual experience. It is potentially dangerous if her husband finds out and it will bring an element of duplicity into what should be a liberating first sexual encounter. You have enough baggage, you don’t need more.

If it is possible, waiting to date a woman and lose your virginity with someone you care about is the best solution. Because you have waited so long, I think you have real sexual blockages to address. I think that you may need to get comfortable with your own sexuality and learning how to touch a woman before you will be able to relax and date. But how can you get sexual experience if you are too uncomfortable with your sexuality to approach women?

This brings us to a controversial but practical solution; a sexual surrogate. A professionally trained woman who can help you learn to be sexually literate about your own body and sexual response. Because she is a professional you will not feel the same pressures or judgements as you would entering the dating scene without any first-hand sexual knowledge. This is not a prostitute, I repeat, this is not a prostitute. This is a trained sexual surrogate providing sexual education through hands experience.

TheIf you think this might be a good solution for you, learn more and locate a sexual surrogate through:

4. Talk about it

I recommend going to talk therapy so that you can process the tremendous amount of change you will experience and to identifying the underlying mental blockages you have had to sex. Talk therapy alone would not help you get comfortable with your body, but combined with sexual surrogacy, it will give you the most complete approach.

The goal is not to “get laid.” The goal is to break free from your sexual and psychological blockages and to have healthy and loving sexual relationships that are fulfilling and meaningful.

5. Reduce your stress

The stress you are feeling about your sexuality comes from a disconnection between your mind and your body. Sexuality and sensuality are normal, but your mind is trapped in painful neurotic patterns. Physical exercise, yoga and meditation can all help you reduce your stress level and feel more connected in your body.

Good luck and please keep me updated!