Have you ever committed to something big on a whim, only to spend your time leading up to it agonizing over it, scared that you had made a big mistake?

My first retreat started that way.

Picture this, if you can: It’s December, and instead of riding the wave of pre-Christmas consumer madness for my three small kids who still believed in Santa Claus, I’m a single mom getting on a plane to Maui.

Yes, Maui.

I had decided on a whim not only to play hookie from Christmas, but abandon my graduate school finals in order to spend six days on a tropical island with an ex-Harvard professor turned New Age hippie who goes by the name Ram Dass.

I wondered what the hell I was doing running off like this, to what, find myself?

It had been a long while since I had spent any time on my inner life. Straight out of college to a career directing music videos, in tumultuous relationships back to back, then kids, then deciding the entertainment industry wasn’t for me, changing careers, and here I was, careening dangerously off of my hectic schedule to fly to Maui on a whim.

The decision to do this had come out of the blue.

A few weeks back I was in class watching a documentary called “Fierce Grace,” which chronicled the hospice work of Ram Dass. The level of compassion and empathy in the story began stirring something deep in me, a vague sense that I had skipped over something big in the all downhill roller coaster that was my life. I remembered reading Ram Dass’ work as an undergrad many years ago, and being inspired by his ideas of love and compassion as a spiritual path.

But since then, work, diapers, bills, school lunches and divorce happened—somehow, in tending to all of that I had forgotten to tend to my own soul.

I felt empty and hard inside, and tired of rushing through life, always playing catchup. But after watching that movie, I realized I needed…something. A shift needed to occur, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

I went straight home and looked up Ram Dass. There on his website, was an ad for his first retreat on Maui—in two weeks.

A little voice inside me said, “You must go.”

I knew I had to, as scary as the idea seemed.

I thought a retreat was something that single, young hippies did, or that rich people had time for, but triple-overbooked me? The whole plane flight, surrounded by snoring tourists in Hawaiian print shirts, I doubted my decision and worried about what lie ahead for me; what would it be like? I had already challenged my personal space issues and booked a shared room, would I be asked to share my innermost thoughts with strangers too? What if the food sucked? I felt I had really done it this time, giving over to a hunch that could very well turn out to be an uncomfortable, awkward waste of precious time and money.

When I arrived at the retreat site we were all taken on a tour of the property. I looked at the strangers around me, a curious mixed bag of very young to very old, some hippie types, but also pink Izods tucked into plaid Bermuda shorts kind of folks.

Who were they?

Why were they here?

Were they all spiritually enlightened people that would judge me and my frantic soccer mom existence? Was the Indian scarf I’d bought for the retreat enough to cover up how brittle and shut down I felt? I pictured myself eating alone in my room for five days, trying to avoid connection and being found out as the fake that I felt like.

There was a particularly striking man I was half intrigued, half scared of on the tour.

He was very tall with short grey hair, sharp features and Sanskrit tattoos all over his body builder physique. The tour ended at the hot tub, which was on a cliff overlooking a waterfall that fell from the jungle to the ocean. Breathtaking. The giant tattooed man turned around (insert sarcastic font here) and said, “Well, this sucks!” The entire group burst out laughing.

I knew right then and there I would be okay.    

I made friends, and I ate all my (delicious!) meals with them. I laughed with them, and we shared yoga, kirtan, long hot tubs and amazing dharma talks with Ram Dass. He reminded us how to live a heart centered life, and how staying focused on compassion and love (and humor, he used lots of that, too) could lead to enriching relationships and experiences in life.

As the week progressed, I felt my white knuckled grip on my heart and mind begin to loosen.

I watched as others interacted with hearts wide open, and I realized that I had so much grief and resistance built up, that was keeping me from truly experiencing my life to its fullest. A little bit at a time I loosened the valve on my pent up feelings and let in the compassion and love that was flowing through the retreat like that waterfall.

And flowing through me, too, healing me, little by little.

I realized my hunch to go there was right; that taking time away from my hectic life was exactly what I needed to strengthen and enrich myself to flourish back home. By the end of the retreat, I realized that I needed to take the time and energy to do this periodically.

You know how life has a way of spinning faster and faster sometimes? That feeling you get that if you just keep moving you’ll be fine? I thought that. But I wasn’t fine. I was way off track and I needed to step off the treadmill and push my reset button.

I’m so grateful I did. I’ve been back every year since to the Ram Dass retreat, and my life is infinitely richer because of his inspiration and the family of friends I made there. I’m so glad that I listened to the little voice inside me that said, “You must go.”

Do you have that little voice inside you? Can you hear it?

Don’t let fear get in the way. Listen to it and go

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Editorial Assistant: Alicia Wozniak/Editor: Emily Bartran

Photos: Author’s Own