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This is my response to an earlier article, 6 Reasons She is Not Initiating Sex.
I don’t consider myself a feminist, however, I definitely do consider myself an equal to my male counterparts. Never would I feel that it is their responsibility to be initiating something that is so deeply intimate and personal in so many ways. Surely the days are now long gone where women feel they have to wait around for a guy to approach.
No way will I ever be waiting around until a guy is in the mood to suggest or initiate something that, for me, is a hugely and mutually beneficial connection and a highly enjoyable activity.
Sex, first and foremost, should occur naturally due to a sensual and sexual attraction plus a desire to connect with our partner on an intimate level.
I, personally, absolutely love initiating sex. Maybe I am fortunate. Or, maybe it’s because if I did not feel equally respected in this way, I would not be in any kind of sexual relationship with that person in the first place.
For me, there is something very special in letting my partner know how much he turns me on and how I crave to be close to him mind, body and soul on a regular basis.
I love the look in his eyes when he witnesses my sexual prowess, which, can happen at any given moment day or night. I can be subtle, however, I can also be very obvious in displaying the rush of desire that runs through me when my sexual needs are hoping to be met.
Now, I am not suggesting this happens in every relationship. For many, sex is not a big role player. For me though, it is a way of connecting with my partner in a way that is solely reserved for us alone.
To be in any kind of sexual relationship, casual or committed, I would have to feel confident that I was valued and equal to my partner. I cannot imagine being in a situation where I would feel nervous or edgy about making advances. If this was the case, I would probably not stay in that kind of relationship for very long at all and I definitely would not be thinking about having sex with them.
Simply, if my partner did not make me feel treasured, secure, beautiful and worthy, I would not be getting too close to them in any way.
Now, if it’s mutually agreeable casual sex, then that is different. But, if this were the case- both parties are up for it, so surely one or the other does not need to concern their selves with who makes the first move.
Plus, there are so many ways that sex can be initiated without having to put yourself out there with the fear of being rejected or other similar concerns.
So, to be clear, I see it like this: if I have to worry about initiating sex, there will be no sex.
Straight away the edge has been taken off this highly enjoyable interaction because anxiety (however small) has crept in. And never, ever, would I keep any kind of mental recording as to who and when and how often sex was last initiated.
I have limited my reasons to six, however, I’m sure I could write at least a hundred reasons as to why I absolutely love initiating sex.
1. My partner needs to feel desired.
An equal in our partnership. Knowing that they light my inner fire. I would never want them to feel that the only reason we have sex is because they made the first move. It is highly important to me and also to our relationship that we both are in the same place when it comes to intimacy.
2. My sensual side is highlighted.
Whether it is creating a romantic setting, using massage, playing ‘our’ love songs in the bedroom, dressing in a sensual manner, kissing and touching slowly and softly, there are so many different ways I can display my softer feminine side. Which, can often be hidden due to the commitments of daily life.
3. I love to excite my partner.
Turning my partner on is something I find exhilarating. When I see that spark in his eye and notice his body language change, I’m hooked right there and then, wherever we are at the time. It can just take a few words whispered in his ear or something far more daring, and we’re both thinking along the same tracks and making our excuses to whoever we need to, so we can be alone together.
4. I can be creative.
I can choose to dress seductively, leave notes, undress slowly, suggest fantasies or role play, whatever our mutual desires are, I can expand. I will then use them to make my partner aware that I am thinking about them in a sexual way and would like to take it one step further. It can be a lot of fun thinking about, and then, creating a scenario that I know we will both find a turn on.
5. It often leads to me having sex when I want it.
Surely the best thing about initiating sex with our partners is that it means we get to engage in this intimacy at a time when we want it most? If I never suggested sex first, I would quite possibly have missed out on some of the best sessions of my life! If I’m in the mood and turned on, the first thing I’ll be doing is letting my partner in on it! If they’re not feeling this way too, I accept that completely, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, when it comes to this.
6. It keeps a balance.
Not just with regards to sex, but also with most things in our relationship, we give and receive regardless of what it concerns. Sometimes I will give more, sometimes they do. This can last for hours, weeks or months as we go through the different stages during our lives. Knowing that one or the other will keep the balance, is what helps me to see how blessed I am for the union we have.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not always interested in having sex. I am often not in the mood, tired, preoccupied or various other reasons. My partner, however, can sense this, just as I can sense if he is not in a place where the offer for sex would be gratefully received.
Sometimes we combat this by having our own little code, it’s called the 90-second rule. Whoever is in the mood spends 90 seconds gently and lovingly encouraging the other person to feel the same desire. Of course, we never time it. Neither do we ever feel under pressure. It’s just our own agreed way and a way that works for us. It’s very rare that we get past 60 without completely caving in!
I’m sure everyone finds their own ways of turning the person on they want to get intimate with. I can genuinely say I have never and will never be thinking over whether I should be the one to initiate any form of sexual activity. If it doesn’t come naturally, or there is a fear of rejection, it is definitely and without doubt a no go area.
There is a million different ways that we can let our partner know that we are interested in sex. If any advances are not picked up, quite possibly, it is just due to the wrong moment. I would never take it personally, nor would I keep score.
Whether male or female, we are all human and we all have very similar desires.
Men and women should feel equal and if this is not the case, it is very possible that it is not just regarding sex that there is a problem. Most probably there will be an imbalance in the relationship in other areas too.
Men as well as women can fear rejection and where this concerns sex the wound can cut even deeper. Taking turns to suggest sex can create confidence on both parts. Leaving it up to one partner can be a huge responsibility, plus, why should it only ever happen when the other person is in the mood?
Healthy relationships should always contain a balance. If sex is not part of that, then it’s time to question why it would be debatable in the first place.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Alex Sandra Myles
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Wiki Commons (Screenshot, Public Domain)