You are not one man, but many.
I asked about you and I never should have. But once I knew about you, I could never make myself forget.
You have occupied my thoughts more than you ever should have and you have been a bigger part of my life than I ever wanted.
You are the past loves of my lover. You are the reason I asked about times I shouldn’t have from a place of insecurity. You are “those questions,” and the answers I didn’t want to know.
And you are not me.
But here’s the worst bit: There was never anything she could do to eliminate you from me. I built a picture of you in my head and, yes, perhaps her words could have been better chosen and perhaps she clung on to you more than she should have—but really, it was my weakness that allowed you to enter my head and my heart.
I blame you and I detest you. Or rather, I detest the thoughts I have of you.
You rule me. I gave my power to you because I didn’t know how to hold my power myself. I compared everything to what she had with you. And even though she told me such wonderful things, I felt like I could never live up to you, never live up to the experience you offered—the passion, the intimacy, the magic.
And I hate myself for it.
Because I’ve lost her now.
Because I didn’t know how to keep her without these feelings of jealousy, anger, comparison and unworthiness creeping in.
Because of my thoughts of you and insecurity of myself, I obsessed over sex, romance, passion and experience because I felt I had to reach the mark you set.
And, deep down, I truly believed that no matter how beautiful our love was, it wasn’t you. It wasn’t then. It didn’t have the thrill, the expectation, the tenderness, the magic. And no matter how much I tried to ignore you and concentrate on just being me and letting her be her, a part of me believed that you touched a part of her that would never be mine to touch anew.
I knew, throughout all of this, that I was wrong. I knew that these thoughts were born of insecurity, a lack of self love and past hurt—that these were my reactions and the control you had over my life was my creation.
I blamed her. I drew away from her. I judged her. I had expectations of her.
And despite all of the above evidence to the contrary, I loved her.
But my lack of love for myself prevented me from ever loving her as I should have.
I wish I had been a stronger man so that I could have forgotten about you, known that I was hers then and that nothing else mattered.
I regret so much that I had you here in my heart. Because it left no space for her.
I miss her now, but have you still. And even though one day you will leave me, I’m sure, I wish I could have eliminated you before she was pushed out by you. By me.
I don’t want to live with you any more. You have lost me what I most wanted to keep.
And despite the tendency to address you, refer to you and blame you. It was me.
I am the man who ruined my relationship.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Andy Charrington
Editor: Emily Bartran
Photo: Luca Boldrini/Flickr