If we hear another word about the “magic of the season” or if one more chipper shop clerk smiles and wishes us a merry freaking anything, we’re going to barf.
We’re over the holidays, right?
There’s so much to hate and be mad at that lately, we’ve been making Ebenezer Scrooge look like an old softie. Forget all that advice about how to have the perfect Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever else there is now. Screw that sugar coated nonsense. Let’s wallow in misery.
Want to really mess up the holidays? Here are a few tips on how to ensure that this is the worst time of the year:
Overschedule and over-extend ourselves. Make no room for relaxation, meditation or downtime because it’s the holidays! We are holiday gladiators! We will slay Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and the Winter Solstice! Yes, even if we get a cold, which turns out to be the flu, which develops into a secondary infection and we end up with walking pneumonia because we will not be quitters.
Come up with a lot of really detailed expectations. Expect every one of our relatives to behave with the patience and compassion of the Thich Nhat Hanh and definitely, definitely expect that on Christmas Eve our boyfriends will propose to us and that it will be exactly like a movie on the Hallmark Channel.
Send out a mass email to our family, friends and coworkers detailing exactly which gifts we want—and be sure to include online links. We get extra points if they are affiliate links because that’s like getting two presents. Don’t forget to demand that everyone include the receipts along with our gifts so we can return them.
Be a perfectionist. Try to accurately recreate every last detail from the holiday celebrations we remember from our childhood and then cry in disappointment when they don’t “feel” the same or if one little thing goes wrong.
Gorge ourselves on fatty, sugary treats every day between now and New Year’s. Quit going to yoga and give up on exercising because we’re just going to gain weight anyway. Bah humbug!
Be super-wasteful just because we can. Buy things for people that they don’t need, especially if they have a lot of excess, plastic packaging. Throw food away after parties that could be donated to a shelter. Create as much garbage as possible and buy more junk to clutter up our homes.
Make elaborate and extremely rigid plans, especially for other people. Be sure that everyone knows exactly where they’re supposed to be and what they must be doing at all times during the entire month of December and when they don’t comply, don’t let them get away with it. Throw a giant hissy fit. Punish them!
Keep score. Who got what for whom? How much did it cost? Pay attention to who’s getting the best party invites. Facebook stalk our friends to see if they’re doing more fun stuff than we are and then one up them. Never get anyone a present who didn’t get one for us because that’s just wrong.
Don’t do anything for anyone else. Don’t volunteer. Don’t invite our lonely friends over for movies and eggnog. Definitely don’t go caroling or visit the elderly because caroling is annoying and old people smell funny. Go ahead and isolate ourselves because everyone else is so self-absorbed anyway. They’ll never notice. Bunch of jerks.
Wait until Christmas Eve to go shopping and then go to the closest Wal-Mart near closing time. Get into a big fight with someone in the parking lot over a space closer to the door and then get into another argument with someone inside over the last Frozen doll because we had your hands on it first! (Even though we really didn’t.)
Get really drunk on peppermint martinis at our work Christmas parties and sing a rousing rendition of “Santa Baby” for our bosses. Wake up the next morning next to that weird guy Donatello who works in the mail room. Then leave and start a bunch of rumors and gossip about other people to deflect the attention away from us.
The holiday season is the perfect time for honesty. Tell our sister immediately that we can’t stand her fiancé and that yes, she actually does look fat in that. Be sure to air every grievance we have about everything.
Don’t get the oil changed before setting off on that 1,500 mile road trip to see our parents. We changed it last year so it should be fine. That screw that’s been stuck in the tire is no big deal either.
Pass up on our friends’ invitation to see a fun holiday show so that we can sit home and brood about our ex and sing “Last Christmas” by ourselves all night.
Hold grudges and bring up old hurts. Write nasty letters to everyone who’s ever broken our hearts and then send them. Never forgive because that means the other person wins.
Storm off in a huff when our partners don’t get us the right gift and make sure we tell him or her in detail what all our friends’ lovers got them that were way better and a million times more romantic.
Don’t call our grandparents on the holiday. Don’t call anyone at all actually. Don’t reach out to positive people we love under any circumstances.
Decide to get both a kitten and a Christmas tree at the same time. Put a lot of tinsel on the Christmas tree to ensure that we will be spending Christmas Eve at the extra-expensive after hours vet’s office so that the kitten can have surgery to remove the tinsel from its lower intestines and so it can recover from poinsettia poisoning and electrocution from chewing through the electrical cords wrapped around the tree.
Cynically tell everyone about the over-commercialization of Christmas and tell little kids that Santa isn’t real. He was invented by Coca-Cola as a marketing campaign. He’s all about consumerism. We are way too hip for the holidays.
Max out all of our credit cards buying presents to get people to like us. Open up some more credit card accounts and then max those out too.
Roll our eyes dramatically at everyone who wishes us a Happy Holidays and sarcastically reply “Ugh, please.”
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Victoria Fedden
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Photo: Richard Elzey/Flickr