5.4
December 15, 2014

The Damaging Effects of an Inauthentic Life & How to Change It.

PSD Coloring. Gökhan Ç.

Depending on how we define authenticity, we may believe we are being very real with ourselves and the world.

Perhaps, we come closer to the definition of who we are, when we’re alone. It would be true, if we still didn’t carry the same beliefs with us, no matter where we go.

Our beliefs color our perception, creating limitations or possibilities and how we view others. Our beliefs aren’t necessarily our truth, they’re often what we’ve given meaning to through our earlier experiences.

Does it mean we are lying to ourselves? Yes, though it’s unintentional.

Many of us have contrived patterns to avoid loss. We fear our beliefs are true about abandonment, shame, not doing the right thing, not belonging and so on. We also fear not getting our way, because it would change the image in our head of how life is supposed to be. 

We often don’t say what we mean, because we’re on auto-pilot. It’s our same old reaction we offer, without much thought to its validity. We skip truth, so we instead live in past projections now.

Being inauthentic means we beat ourselves and others up, because we place so much value on expectations. Most expectations aren’t ones we even created, many are inherited through our environment.

To be authentic is to dig deep and look at why we believe what we do, see how we uphold these beliefs through our patterns and question if this is truly who we are inside?

Authenticity is to accept all parts of ourselves. Through acceptance we build an authentic relationship with ourselves first and then others.

If we get off of autopilot, even for a moment, we can learn who we truly are and learn about others as well.

Until we do, we’ll continue to believe old truths without bias. We’ll unconsciously create situations, which prove to us their truth! So, if we believe all relationships ultimately fail, because we don’t deserve to be happy and healthy, then we’ll do what we can to make it true.

We get others to help us confirm these inauthentic beliefs too.

Teaching people to lie to us, is something we do unconsciously. Though if we physically pay attention to our bodies, we notice we feel off when we allow it. They’ll tell us what we want to hear, because they fear our reaction or fear losing us. How often do we let inauthenticity breed in our relationships, because we’re afraid of loss?

When we live out these inaccurate beliefs, and force them to be true through our relationships—our experiences become inauthentic.

Many of us are stressed out, and believe that life is dictating that we must have an experience in the same way, each time. Every time we do something against ourselves, we suffer and yet, we have a belief that tells us, this is the way it is…..and it’s not.

When we show up for things out of duty rather than desire, guilt rather than truth, telling someone what they want to hear, rather than what we really want to say. Acting in ways that feel disconnected, but meant to please. We are living inauthentically. We want approval.

The scary thing is we don’t want to lose this inauthentic connection.

Fear lies in knowing our truth, because it often means change, loss and everything we’ve been afraid to let go of, including a perception. In choosing authenticity, some will leave us, some will be pissed off, but in the end we feel better.

When we can face ourselves with truth— we face another. We won’t let lies be brushed under the carpet, or pretend; we’ll lovingly stand for our truth. Even when it’s hard to do.

Authentic relationships have little to do with a list of qualities. It’s about learning who we are everyday and attracting someone to our lives with the same openness, the same desire to live life fully and passionately.

The benefits of authenticity, means to be comfortable in our own skin—alone or with others—confident, while embracing our flaws, truly kind and yet truthful, even if there is a cost.

Every time we challenge an old belief, through thought and then counter-intuitive action, we release ourselves to have a more authentic relationship with life.

To develop authenticity requires a deeper awareness. Paying attention to our autopilot reactions, sussing out the past projection from the present situation and being honest when we’ve been wrong in our perception too, helps us to get closer to our own truth.

Frank Berliner on authenticity:

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Author: Tracy Crossley

Editor: Travis May

Photos: Deviant Art

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Carolina Jul 7, 2015 5:36pm

Curious to see why you chose the picture of Angelina Jolie?

Stacey May 13, 2015 8:59pm

Why do you include a pic of Angelina Jolie

jeejee May 12, 2015 11:55pm

I needed this!!

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Tracy Crossley

Tracy Crossley is a Behavioral Relationship Expert whose work centers on emotional connection—with ourselves and others. She helps people get out of their head to uncover the belief system that drives their behavior, then guides them through emotionally-driven actions to break the patterns that keep them stuck. As someone who struggled with insecure attachment issues for most of her life, Tracy shares her experiences with equal parts empathy and humor. She’s been there and knows how much is available to those who refuse to settle. The work she does leads to self-acceptance, emotional freedom and more authentic life. Learn more about Tracy and the work she does. You can find her on social media, her facebook page, Instagram and on twitter. She also has a free weekly podcast “Deal With It” where she talks about Insecure Attachment, the drama triangle and all the emotional issues that bog us down.