The moments after making love are just as important as the moments before (and during).
Unfortunately, this period of time I like to call “afterplay” is often overlooked as couples fall into a sort of “mission accomplished” attitude once sex has finished. When we meditate, for example, the idea is to maintain mindfulness even after we finish the mediation session.
The same goes for sex.
We all know the stereotypical ideas of how men and women react differently to the post-coital state: men like to sleep, women like to talk. In truth, everyone is different. I know of women who love to curl up and sleep (guilty!) and men who love to do an immediate play-by-play rehash of the sex they just had. It takes all kinds.
It’s important for couples not to take these afterplay moments for granted.
Since sex is an act of deep intimacy, the period immediately afterwards should honor that exchange. I’m not saying we need to light candles or sing songs of praise to one another. (Although that’s fun, too.) However, do whatever it takes to respect the moment. The tips in this article give you a few specific ideas, but you and your partner will need to decide what works for you.
After an exhilarating session of lovemaking, many people like to use this opportunity to converse about the sex. The “How was it for you?” types. When both couples are working on their relationship and both are avid verbal communicators, this is a great time to go over sex topics. It’s certainly convenient on the off chance that talking about it arouses you both: you can make love again.
Talking is also a fine afterplay technique if you tried a new position, technique, role-play, sex aid or toy and you’d like to get feedback. No one says you have to go into graphic detail or have an hour-long debate but often a few words will do the trick.
If you feel the talking is getting too intense or that you can’t give all your energy to it, try to get a general sense and then suggest that you both table the conversation for later.
Bonus Tip: If you’d like to incorporate Talker methods into your afterplay repertoire, you and your partner might simply comment on how you each feel after the sex has concluded. If one of you is less comfortable talking, the other can ask what his/her most pleasureable moment was.
As in, “What part of the sex we just had do you think you’ll most remember tomorrow?” This is a nice way to communicate in a small way but it’s also quite titillating to introduce the idea that you’ll be thinking about each other intimately in the near future.
The Quiet Types
Sometimes silence is golden. Lovers who have been together a long time or who are lucky enough to have that unspoken connection in their lives both in and out of bed often also have the ability to convey their feelings without speaking aloud.
Typically, sex for these people is a way of talking, so there’s not much if anything to be said after the physical act has finished. Resting quietly in each other’s presence is enough to round out the connection made during sex and stay connected in those moments afterwards.
Unfortunately, many people are uncomfortable with silence. They think their partner may be covering something up or avoiding something. That’s why the Quiet Types who engage in peaceful silence immediately after sex are usually couples who know each other well and trust each other deeply.
Bonus Tip: To develop your Quiet Type skills, make a pact of five minutes of total silence after making love. Hold each other and say nothing (I mean nothing) for five whole minutes. As you rest in silence, let your mind clear and concentrate on the soothing physical presence of your lover.
The Movers and Shakers
Rare are lovers who like to be active immediately after sex. It’s almost as though these individuals take the momentum of sexual energy and keep it going straight through the aftermath.
These people may enjoy morning sex, as it gives them energy to begin their day. Even sex at night can be inspirational, and couples who share this energy often stay active through talking, playing together in bed or even make love just prior to going out for an evening.
Bonus Tip: To try being a Mover & Shaker, make love in the morning. Don’t make this lovemaking session a marathon but keep it close and intense. See if you can take its erotic energy and allow it to propel you through your day. If you’re not a fan of morning sex, try it anyway; many people find it a refreshing way to start the day.
Besides, sex has been proven to elevate your mood!
This group of afterplayers is probably the most common. After a bit of cuddling, these lovers roll curl up and go to sleep. Typically, those who engage in very rigorous sexual activity are likely to fall into this category, as they’ve exhausted their bodies through strenuous physicality.
Making love is a wonderful way to ease yourself into a deep and healthy sleep. As long as communication is healthy in the waking hours of your relationship, there’s certainly nothing wrong with a good old snooze after sex!
Bonus Tip: More active couples who wish to try sex as a way to unwind, may take a tip from The Sleepers. After sex, pull each other close and rest quietly in each others’ arms. Concentrate on matching your breathing patterns. Let this quiet rhythm lull you into sleep.
Do you have your own afterplay tip or story? Please share it with the elephant community in the comments below.
As always, happy loving!
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock