My life is falling apart at the seams.

Last week, everything suddenly erupted at once like an irate volcano.

There are just so many details that I can’t go into without writing a novel here.

In brief, I had my worst fight ever with my husband, saw clearly that I am my own worst enemy, got fired from my day job as an elementary school teacher, and gave the gossip mill in my community plenty of new grist on which to feast.

I’m feeling the strong urge to hide and not come out until Mercury goes direct on February 11. I’d like to go on a silent meditation retreat in the Himalayas right about now, but I know that isn’t the answer. The wisdom of no escape. Plus, I can’t afford it at the moment.

I have sought (and found) solace in the city, of all places.

I cannot be at home right now. Yet home is wherever I am.

I am living in paradise and paradox. I need space and time. I need to sleep, shut down, restart. I need to connect with advocates, friends and strangers. I need to remember all the amazing spiritual teachings I have been blessed to encounter in my precious human life so far. I also need to forget them.

My schedule is suddenly wide open, which rocks, but my bank account won’t be refilling itself automatically anymore, which is worrisome.

It’s okay. Things are both falling apart and coming together. Meltdowns lead to breakthroughs. This I know for sure. It ain’t my first time at the rodeo, as they say in Texas.

In the wake of my personal turmoil, a dear friend reminded me of something I shared with her in yoga class years ago, a variation on the traditional metta aspirations:

May all beings feel contented and pleased,
May all beings feel protected and safe.
May our physical bodies support us with strength.
May our lives unfold smoothly with ease.

I sobbed uncontrollably when I read her email. I realized that I tend to give loving kindness and compassion to others way before I give those essential vitamins to myself. Now’s the time to practice self-love.

May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be free.

May I listen to my intuition and soak up the goodness and light all around.

I feel contented and pleased that I stood up for what I believe in: truth, peace, love and openness.

I feel protected and safe because so many kind people care about me and love me.

My physical body may be tired and stressed, but it is nevertheless a miracle to be alive and functioning every day.

As for “unfolding smoothly with ease.” Well. I can see that the less I attach to my plans and expectations for my day, my week, my life, the better. Plenty of new doors are opening already since the one big one was slammed shut. I trust that the universe is unfolding as it should, even if it’s hard to remember that fact when the tears, regrets and doubts arise.

I vow to be good to myself. This week, that means slowing down, letting go of plans, eating nourishing foods and drinks, talking to old friends, and cultivating gratitude for every last one of the things, not just the “positive” ones.

“Do not let a day go by without taking some time for yourself — some time you spend in pure pleasure, as you see it.” ~ Napoleon Hill, Grow Rich—with Peace of Mind

What is pure pleasure, as you see it? How can we disconnect from our busy schedules and take some time for ourselves?

 

 

Author: Michelle Margaret Fajkus

Editor: Renee Picard

Image: katmary/Flickr