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March 11, 2015

Ask Me Anything—Pushy Boyfriend only Wants Sex. {Weekly Advice Column}

 pushy boyfriend

Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected].
I look forward to hearing from you!

Dear Erica,

I have dated a man off and on for about nine months. While things are okay as friends, the intimacy was over the top. I don’t necessarily mean in a good way either. It has caused me discomfort as he is very pushy in my presence.

If we are not together, on the phone or texting, he always goes to that place, trying to make me want him. It’s not that I’m not interested. However, as I explained, he is way too pushy.

As a woman, it would be nice to initiate things occasionally but he makes that impossible. I have no breathing room in that department. He literally is all over me, all the time. Sometimes to the point that he creeps me out.

I’ve reiterated my feelings several times, but he always reverts back to his old ways. His excuse is that he wants to make me feel like I make him feel. He wants me to want him like he wants me. Which by the way, I never said I didn’t. I simply asked for space, so I could be myself.

I feel like I’m being violated, mentally and physically when I am in his presence or we are intimate. I understand he is a overly sexual person, however, he needs to respect my boundaries and let me “blossom,” so to speak. Who likes having a tongue jammed in their mouth before they get their coat off?

I do not understand his mindset, as everyone I met prior to him was far more laid back. I have asked to build on our “friendship” because that is lacking. He agreed, but again, goes right back to sex talk. I just had to block his calls/messages, in order to have some peace.

I wish I could understand what my problem is or what his problem is. I feel like I’m being used with a side of lip service.

~ Being Pushed

 

Dear Being Pushed,

I don’t even know this guy and he’s making my skin crawl!

This is not someone with whom you should pursue a friendship or a romantic partnership.

I’m going to go over your points one by one to explain why, as you make the argument for getting him out of your life better than I ever could.

1. He has no agenda other than sex.

2. He makes you uncomfortable to the point of creeping you out.

3. He doesn’t value or respect your feelings.

4. He makes you feel violated mentally and physically (this is the biggest red flag among many.)

5. He is using you.

As you read my paraphrasing of your words, it should become clear to you that this is an unhealthy, destructive and potentially dangerous situation.

You need to ask yourself, “Why have I allowed this person to repeatedly dominate and upset me, and how I can better define my boundaries.”

No relationship or person is all good or all bad, but when the bad outweighs the good, to this extent, you must move on, feeling confident that you’re doing the right thing.

 

Dear Erica,

I am vegan and my boyfriend isn’t. I try not to be up on my soap box about it when he eats burgers, chicken and worst of all, lamb, but it’s hard to keep my mouth shut.

Sometimes I think I don’t even want to be with him, based on this one difference.

Is it wrong to feel so strongly about this issue?

~ Vegan

 

Dear Vegan,

It’s never wrong to feel any way about anything. Your feelings are your feelings, end of story. It’s how you act upon them that matters.

If veganism is of such importance to you, that you simply can’t tolerate a non-vegan partner, it is your prerogative to walk away. However, it is important to accept that there will always be friends and family who don’t conform to our views and philosophies, and we should try and cultivate as much tolerance as we can.

Remember, it can get awfully lonely on top of the mountain.

 

Relephant:

Ask Me Anything: How Important is Sex in a Relationship? {Weekly Advice Column}

Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr

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