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April 7, 2015

Ask Me Anything: “Is He Using me for Sex?” {Weekly Advice Column}

awkward sex

Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected].

I look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Dear Erica,

I was seeing this guy for the past two years just casually. Around four months back, he told me to stay at his place and I did. We had sex though I did not intend to as it was my first time. I tried to stop him but he wanted it and I gave in.

I do not blame him and held both of us equally responsible.

The next day, we did it again even when I was not feeling ready, and the next day he flew to his hometown.

After that, we had frequent talks but I was confused throughout as to whether he really liked me. There were days when it was easy for me but there were those hard days when I could not figure out anything.

The big problem is both of us are very inexpressive and we hardly talk about what is needed. Sometimes, that makes me wonder if I am with the right guy.

I really like him but I don’t know how to talk with him.

He is here in town again today and I wanted to spend time with him but he just came to meet me for a short time and went. He was willing to stay if I had a place to stay (I live in a hostel). I wonder if he is here only for sex.

Though he told me that he likes me, I do not feel sure. How should I ask him without hurting him? How can I express myself to him?

My friends are helpful but I don’t want to tell them about the sex thing. And I have no one to help me figure it out.

—Troubled Girl

Dear Troubled,

Obviously, you are a very young woman. As such, you are having many new experiences and are feeling confused and overwhelmed.

Entering the world of sexual relationships can be really frightening.

What troubles me about your letter is the fact that you had sex for the first time without really wanting to, continued on to do the same thing the next day and now are worried that you will “hurt” the guy you had sex with if you discuss your feelings.

This is not how healthy sex and relationships should be.

If your instinct tells you that you can’t trust this guy or how he is feeling, and that he is only out for sex, believe it. That instinctual voice comes from a place of deep and profound wisdom and you must learn to honor it.

Moving forward, I would advise you to place more emphasis on how you are feeling rather than how the guy you’re with feels about you. Not doing so is a mistake that I, and many other young women make, to their great detriment. By not placing your own needs, desires and observations at the top of the list, you are opening yourself to being taken advantage of. You will then spend many years trying to recover from the fallout of your bad decision making.

If you were my daughter, I would tell you unequivocally to move on from this guy, and to wait for someone who makes you feel cherished—men like that do exist! Until that man comes along, work on listening to the soft, still places inside and know that you are worthy of the best the world has to offer.

 

Dear Erica,

I am a formerly obese woman. At my heaviest, I weighed almost 300 lbs. I did not have weight loss surgery to lose over 120 lbs., I did it the old fashioned way. Now, although I still struggle with my self image and sometimes can’t “see” the woman I am today in the mirror, I am much happier in myself.

My problem is my best friend. We’ve been friends since we were kids and she is also very overweight. She does nothing to try and help herself. In the old days, we would eat and watch TV together and everything was seamless, but now I feel like she resents me for my weight loss. I try and offer her tips and encouragement, but she just tunes me out.

She has stopped returning my texts and goes out of her way to avoid me.

I know she feels like I am judging her, but I’m just trying to help. Why can’t she just be happy for me? I don’t want to lose my best friend.

—Ex Fat-Girl

Dear Ex,

You must admit to yourself that you are, in fact, judging your friend. Realize that anytime we feel judged by someone else, it is an unpleasant experience. Copping to this judgment and apologizing to your friend is the first step to saving the friendship.

You say, “Friend, I notice you are avoiding me and I miss your company. I get that you feel judged by me, and you know what? You’re right. And you deserve better. From now on I promise to see you as the person you are, not a number on a scale. Our friendship is about more important things than weight.”

Your friend may then feel understood and be able to move on—or she may not.

You are both at very different points in your lives, and friendships can wax and wane depending on the circumstances. There is nothing wrong with that. You have chosen to make your health a priority, and part of leading a healthy life is choosing to maintain healthy relationships. It’s up to you to decide whether this friendship is or isn’t serving your overall needs, and if it’s not, to gently let it go—at least for the time being.

 

Relephant: 

The Gift of Being Not-Loved.

 
 

Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Nicole at Flickr 

 

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