I don’t remember my first cry,
when you rolled me in your arms,
and whispered in my delicate, water-like ear
“I am here with you, don’t bounce baby girl, I’m here with you until i die.”
I don’t remember where I came from,
how in your embrace I descended.
I don’t remember how I put my head in your chest,
where did I reign before, where was my kingdom?
I don’t remember how your first kiss tasted on my little eye
how your first touch felt to me.
I just remember a soft and delicate sound,
telling me, “I’m here with you, dear, please don’t cry.”
I was such a tiny creature,
in my eyes there was a transparent patch.
I don’t remember how you played with my little fingers,
how you became my guide and my first teacher.
I was tiny, filled with air and water
I don’t remember how you managed to stop me from crying,
I only remember a soft face and a fragile smile
that told me i was your little “genie in a bottle.”
I don’t remember how your face looked like when you first saw me,
if you were happy, sad or angry to be a mother again
to forget and sacrifice once again yourself,
so you could dance for the third time with me,
your new little bee.
I don’t remember, how did I react when i first opened my eyes to see?
how your smile looked like,
how your skin felt like to me,
i just have slight sensations of memory,
of how soft your flesh could be.
I don’t remember the first time you took me in my first hovel
I might have been crying continuously, I know,
because I was new to the world,
but you knew how scared I was,
so you read me my first novel.
You think i don’t remember your anxiety do you?
I do mom, I could feel it in my bones
I could hear the kicks of your suffering when i was there next to your skin,
I could hear the pain you held inside,
but there was nothing I could do at the time,
for me and for you.
Dad, I don’t remember the first time your eyes saw me,
I simply sensed some serious hands holding me once in a while,
a small smile,
a hidden joy,
an invisible fear,
for seeing me,
the new branch of your big tree.
I don’t remember how I smiled back to you
if I did ever,
I remember some sensations of your protective yet harsh hands
that sent me the message “You are cared for, now and forever.”
I don’t remember the voices of my brother and sister,
I don.t remember if they were jealous of me,
I remember only the light that came to the house and touched my skin,
oh, I think it was the sun,
but to me that light was the whole cosmos,
the whole eternity.
Mom and dad, years have passed by now,
i am not your little child anymore,
yeah, I can hear you telling me
“You will always be our little daughter, sugar and more.”
Things have not been always easy between us,
and I know sometimes we lose the bridge to each other
communication is not always bright and light,
because we are similar somehow and yet so different and further.
But we don’t always need to understand each other do we?
I was born through you and yet I was born to be free.
I cannot be you even if sometimes I can act like you do,
but I’m realising I cannot set myself free
if I don’t find my own originality,
and if I can’t set free you too.
Hold me in you gaze as much as you want,
I’ll hold you in my heart as well
but please don’t interfere in who I desire to be,
otherwise the paradise you once gave me as a baby,
to me can become a hell.
I feel we can’t really know what true love and harmony can be,
if we don’t seek to set each other free.
I feel we can’t really be togather and hear each other’s soul,
if being together and yet apart is not our shared common goal.
Let’s be together and yet apart,
let’s hold a bridge to connect us once in a while
and yet when time comes, in love let’s depart.
Author: Ilda Dashi
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock