May 14, 2015

Let’s Get Intimate: “The thought of sex disgusts me.” {Adult Q & A}

alone bed

Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships?
Confusing questionsAwkward ones? Deep, dark scary ones? I want them.

Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness in this weekly column. (Yes. Every one.)
Authors remain anonymous.

No judgments, just soulful answers.

Ever since my break up with my six-year-old’s father I am dead inside.

I don’t want a man, I am not sexually active nor have I been since 2009, and I don’t want to be; even the thought disgusts me.

The saddest part is I have two sons that are men and I love them with all my heart, but I feel walls around me so high that I know that I am not intimate with them as a mother should be. 

Will I ever get unstuck? Literally I have tried everything.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and presume that you expended an awful lot of psychic and physical energy on the last man you were with.

Perhaps even the men before him.

It’s no wonder your energy has drained so much that you feel dead inside. Psychically speaking, you probably are.

So, what to do about it?

First, drop the belief that you are stuck.

You’re not. You are in a place of transition, and that is something to be celebrated. When we realize that we’re not where we need to be in our lives, this is a great blessing. We are then able to make whatever changes we need to get ourselves centered and happy in our lives. In your case, infusing self-love into your daily life is an essential primary step.

Second, release the concern that your sex drive is non-existent. Of course it is; sex is secondary to the most important energy we need: The vitality of self. You cannot reawaken the sexual center within the second (spleen) chakra without engaging the third—the solar plexus, the seat of the self—and the fourth, the heart chakra.

The keys to opening these power centers within us lie here:

Start celebrating. You say you’ve tried everything, but have you really tried everything? How about some healthy selfness? Note, I didn’t say “selfishness.” Selfness is a different thing. Selfness is the loving attention and care to one’s essential being. It means giving yourself the gift of saying “no” to others and “yes” to yourself at least once a day.

Do something you love to do. Take a walk. Paint. Meditate. Take a yoga class. Write in your journal. Make yourself a healthful, delicious meal. In short, treat yourself like the goddess you are.

Later, when you feel more vital, reintroduce sexuality to your life on your own. Relearn your body as if it were the first time. Throw away your expectations of what you should feel and just feel. Take it slowly and lovingly. No one needs to approve or be part of this adventure but you. You rule the roost here. Enjoy the journey.

I encourage you to read “The Art of Solitary Sex” for some helpful ideas.

Once you recharge your batteries, you will be better able to give love and attention to your sons…and even a partner should you desire it. (Goddess knows, it’s not essential.)

Happy (self-)loving!



6 Reasons She’s Not Initiating Sex. {Adult}



Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Lies Thru A Lens/Flickr


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