Relationships end.

For a variety of reasons, one no better or worse than another.

We outgrow people.

That doesn’t mean we are “better” or above someone else. It doesn’t mean that our life, job, values or yoga practice is superior.

I’m saying we no longer connect. We are no longer in a similar place energetically.

Why fight it? Why not surrender into it? Why not let go of the fear?

A lot of times relationships die out slowly and it wasn’t something intentional, it simply devolves over time and we find ourselves with new perspectives that lead us on different paths. We allow it to spread slowly and take us over. We stop talking as often and those days spread out into months and before we know it we don’t know them anymore.

They become the person we used to know.

Other times they burn out fiercely and ferociously.

Our connection ends in a knock-down-drag-out of raw emotion. We leave kicking and screaming and secretly scared sh*tless beneath the seething fire of our anger (or sometimes that happens merely in our own minds after we realize the relationship is over).

Our ego become involved and we blame, justify our feelings and resist the easier option, which is to accept and allow our sadness, fear and uncertainty.

Or it may be a quiet realization—one day we wake up, the smell of coffee in the air, grateful for the day and all of its possibilities and the realization that we don’t want that certain person in this blissful world of ours, creeps in quietly.

We realize they change things for us—no, that’s not it—we change for them.

We realize we compromise who we are when we are with them.

We turn away from our truth, little by little. We ignore the voice that tells us what to do, what path to take and what to turn away from.

Some will say it is the human ego, longing for acceptance and validation in a feeble attempt to heal the fractured parts of ourselves that have developed over time. I think there is also a human survival instinct that pushes us toward attachment and the false sense of security that comes with having relationships.

Other times, it is our decision.

We know it is right for us, if we allow ourselves to listen to the voice inside that knows. Maybe we walk away with confidence and never look back. Or perhaps we breathe a sigh of relief one day and then fall back into the discontent of illusion the next.

We might revisit the things we miss in our minds—knowing it isn’t the right relationship for us.

We may question if it was at all real—was it how we perceived it to be or was that person coming from a different place all along? Was the connection, the love, all in our own heads?

It can be especially hard to “get over” when a goodbye comes into our lives because someone physically leaves through death.

Whether a tragedy or something we knew was coming, the false sense of security and happiness we built on top of the shaky tower of “together,” comes crashing down around us as countless emotions begin to run our life. Between the shock, sadness, guilt, anger, hopelessness and utter devastation, we grasp for anything to distract ourselves or take the pain away.

The difficulty in “goodbye” is that accepting the cycle of change is hard.

Sitting with pain is uncomfortable. Looking into the face of grief can be unbearable. We fear change, even when it brings our own expansion and learning. We try to control anything we can to avoid pain, even knowing that we will grow and evolve and have new experiences that will be for our greater good, knowing that control is a complete illusion.

We get so complacent in our relationships that we hold an expectation that our partner won’t leave, won’t change and if they do it is a “bad” thing.

This is true of lovers, parents, and friends—regardless of what role a person is in.

The word relationship sometimes turns into the word expectation.

We think we can put someone into a box of roles and expectations and close the lid and they will never yearn to step outside of it. We expect they will never change and when they do step outside of it—we freak out. We take it personally. It’s not pretty trying to control another person.

Sometimes people are in the box one day and gone the next.

Then some people that stay in boxes to appease others end up resisting the temptation for so long that one day they that can’t take it anymore—they break the box wide open with their unexpected actions—to the point where the box is no longer usable and life as they know it has been destroyed.

The entire world can see the person and their broken box and they will look at all those pieces and stand in judgment.

Then all those expectations have to be recreated—the decision being to try and repair the box or go get a new one. In repairing the box, tape and glue making a mess of our hands, we come to realize it will never be the same.

In getting a new box, we think it will be different, better and meet all of our expectations—but really we are just recreating the old box because we never examined and worked through why we got in the box in the first place.

People do this over and over again. It has become a normal part of our culture.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just allow ourselves time outside of the box? There is a time to be in and a time to be out. We choose what is right for our path, not someone else’s. Let the judgment and expectation go.

So, regardless of how relationships change for you, regardless of how you say “goodbye,” make a decision to love yourself enough to be with you in the space that is your authenticity, regardless of where you are at with somebody else.

Stop shape shifting and denying what you know is right for you. If you let go of the resistance you will end up being in the presence of others who are more like minded. It’s easier and usually less messy.

Accept that all relationships change because the people in them change; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, which is actually a beautiful and necessary thing for our personal and cultural evolution.

Become aware of your “goodbyes,” see where you are operating from so that you can drop the expectations and get rid of your box.

That is how we bloom.

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Relephant:

4 Reasons Why Relationships End.

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Author: Adrianne Wagner

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr