June 7, 2015

5 Relationship Traps the Mindful Person doesn’t fall For.

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Relationships are not complicated.

We make them complicated.

Instead of doing the hard self-work necessary to be happy on our own, we choose to believe that relationships require magic ingredients.

These are five things we tend to perpetuate as relationship “fact” that erode our chances of finding long-term partnership.

1. “Fighting is healthy.”

Think about why fights happen. Not just with your partner but with anyone.

Fights happen because we think we’re right and the other person is wrong. Both people hold onto believing they’re right and will stop at nothing to prove it.

Our experience says that our way is best and theirs is saying that theirs is best.

There is a difference between fighting and “disagreeing.”

It is important to disagree. Our taste in movies, music or food should not begin to align over time. We are separate, complete individuals after all!

But fighting is nothing more than disagreement with an added layer—ego. Protecting the ego’s need to be right, maintain its identity and be seen.

Disagreeing is healthy. Fighting is not.

Tip: Acknowledge that there is no right or wrong and act without ego.

2. “You complete me.”

Read between the lines:

“You complete me (I was incomplete before).”

“You complete me (without you, I am unhappy).”

“You complete me (I need you to make me feel worthy).”

It might sound like a nice thing to say. After all, you’re saying that the other person is a major part of your life, right?

Not quite. What you’re saying is that you’re dependent on them. Without them, you are “incomplete.” You can’t be content on your own, you can’t follow your own path, you don’t love yourself.

“You complete me” is emotional sabotage. You are making the person feel like they are the glue that is keeping you together and if they leave, you will be destroyed.

Healthy relationships are not formed from a place of need and dependency.

They form when two humans, who have found joy on their own path chose to travel together.

Seeking happiness in the company of another may sound romantic, but actually comes from a place of ego and fear. Let. That. Sh*t. Go.

Tip: Acknowledge that working on yourself is the expressway to healthy relationships.

3. “Relationships require sacrifice.”

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

If we believe we need to sacrifice our career, because we need to move to another country for our parter, then we will make that sacrifice. If we believe we can have a loving relationship and a successful career wherever we go, then we will.

Personally, I’m not interested in meeting 50/50 with somebody I love. I don’t want my partner to be half in. And I definitely don’t want to go half in.

Instead of meeting each other 50/50, why not meet each other 100/100? Believe that both people can have exactly what they want, without sacrifices.

We can spend time together and stay loyal to friends. We can move anywhere in the world without sacrificing our dreams. We can make it work if we put enough belief and creativity into it.

4. “Nice guys finish last/ girls like bad boys.”

“Bad boys” appeal to girls because the sense of adventure is initially misinterpreted as passion or mission.

Maybe he’s a rockstar, a biker or skater. But as the layers peel off, the hidden insecurities come to the surface.

On the flip side, nice guys who don’t step up to their talents and strengths, are left in the shadows.

Claiming to be humble when we’re actually scared is a cowardly way out.

Tip: Be secure in stepping up to your talents without inflating your successes and deal with your insecurities without hesitation.

Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud.

5. “Girls are crazy/ drama queens or girls need drama/ attention.”

Drama is created when we’re living in anxiety of the future or in regret of the past.

As such, it is not gender exclusive. The only difference is that while girls voice their drama, whereas guys keep it hidden. Growing up, it tends to be taboo for guys to voice their emotions.

When a man or a woman is busy living in their current purpose and taking each moment for what it is, there is, quite literally, no time for drama. They are too busy for drama.

Learn to be content in the present moment, and all else fades away. We’re left with nothing but total, unfiltered joy (which happens to be irresistible to those around you).

Tip: Be so busy living your life that you have no time for drama. Serve as an example for your partner and others, to live their own lives fully.


If these things happen in your life, look at these as symptoms of your own health, not about the health of your relationship.

If you are fighting often, what are you trying to protect? Why do you need to feel right?

Are you sacrificing your goals to keep your partner happy? Do you think they want you to sacrifice your dreams?

Do you say you’re “humble” when you’re actually scared of admitting your talents? Why are you keeping your gifts from the world?

You know there’s nothing sexier than a person with passions, right?

Living mindfully leads to the best relationship advice you never got: instead of finding the right man/woman, focus on being the right man/ woman.

Work relentlessly on every part of yourself—physical, mental and spiritual—and your partner will appear.



How to Love Better: Mindfulness in Relationships.


Author: Alexey Yanovski

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: courtesy of the author

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