Thank F*ck. I’m Finally Over You.

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Warning: Adult language

Before you read this and think it’s for you, I’m so sorry it is not yours.

It was written for me.

Every letter, each word that you see here is mine.

The tears that smeared ink and fell hard on the keys of this typewriter are not yours to touch. They fell solely for me. The last drop that fell from my cheek has now dried. The cleansing is done.

My memories are cast and the wind has taken the thoughts that compulsively span around my mind.

My eyes no longer seek to catch sight of a love we once shared.

Finally. Thank f*cking God.

Thank the storms, the rain and the wind that have spun and dazed me for days. Thank the rivers that my tears bled into and thank the nights that became my days.

Thank the hours that I trembled, thank the cold hard floors that held my bones and thank the aches and breaks that tore at my shell when you left me empty and raw. Thank loneliness.

Thank you.

I experienced it all.

I learned to feel love. I learned to feel numb. And I stumbled and crumbled and fell into the vortex.

I trembled with every extreme.

It was brutal and chaotically ravaged my soul.

I lived under your spell.

It drowned out all noise.

I was enchanted.

Spinning, free-falling and dazed.

It dealt vicious blows and brought me down onto my knees.

I cried out your name. I screamed so loud but no sound came out.

No one heard and no one came to the rescue.

So, I danced alone with our death.

I stepped in time with a shadow. Of a love I once knew.

I didn’t know what was there at the end of our line. I was terrified to let go of the comfort that holding our memories gave.

Then it hit me harder. The loss. Not just the loss of you, the loss of us, of what we could have been. And of all the “if only” thoughts that tangle and then knot my mind.

I had to stand up and open my eyes.

I’ve carried this weight. I’ve taken you with me, all because I couldn’t let go. I wouldn’t.

I risked all for this love. I let you in. I sealed all the edges. I locked you in tight.

Now I’m letting it out. I’m letting you go.

I clung to the glimpse of perfection I thought I once saw.

But, now it’s gone. Like stardust… it burned out.

Time heals. It soothes old wounds and patches up scars.

Time teaches there’s no need to hold. Holding is heavy. Holding is agony. Holding prolongs all the pain.

Time wears tints, beautiful spectacles that glance down cobblestoned lanes. Time doesn’t see truth. Time forgets. Time remembers the things I’d rather forget.

Time is messy and always gets confused.

But, time clears. Eventually.

The darkest hour is always before the dawn.

Loss drives us to hell and leaves us there.

But we can return. Whenever we choose.

And so now…

I’ve returned. I’m back on the rolling road.

Thank f*ck. I’ve suffered enough. Though my injuries were self-inflicted.

I shouldn’t have held for so long.

But now, I’m empty of you. Our bridge is burned. I’ve rose from the ashes.

I have cut you loose and I’ve finally let all of you go.

Every storm has a silver lining.

I lost you.

Then finally found me.

~

Relephant:

The Dating Frontier: Making Friends with Potential Lovers.

~

Author: Alex Myles

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Flickr/Christian Gonzalez

 

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Alex Myles

Alex Myles is a qualified yoga and Tibetan meditation teacher, Reiki Master, spiritual coach and also the author of An Empath, a newly published book that explains various aspects of existing as a highly sensitive person. The book focuses on managing emotions, energy and relationships, particularly the toxic ones that many empaths are drawn into. Her greatest loves are books, poetry, writing and philosophy. She is a curious, inquisitive, deep thinking, intensely feeling, otherworldly intuitive being who lives for signs, synchronicities and serendipities. Inspired and influenced by Carl Jung, Nikola Tesla, Anaïs Nin and Paulo Coelho, she has a deep yearning to discover many of the answers that seem to have been hidden or forgotten in today’s world. Alex’s bestselling book, An Empath, is on sale now for only $1.99! Connect with her on Facebook and join Alex’s Facebook group for empaths and highly sensitive people.

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anonymous Apr 7, 2016 10:19pm

It’s good kara has moved on. Good Luck and may you find peace within–maybe even lake Julian peace again

anonymous Apr 5, 2016 9:38am

This was really nice to read. My mother just left me and, on her way out, made sure I was broken. I had been hanging onto her for so many years of my adulthood and, now that I am free from her, I feel like I am going to be alright for once. And yet, it feels as if I had finally admitted that the mother who loved me is gone and has been for a long time. Even though this article was not written for me, I do feel like I'm a little less alone in this kind of situation.

anonymous Feb 3, 2016 8:08am

Beautiful, true – this touched my soul. Thank you.

anonymous Feb 1, 2016 9:07am

Thank you I am an HSP AND in so much pain from losing my verbally abusive bf over a year ago and you give me hope for the day I can be over it! Love Tamara

anonymous Jan 24, 2016 3:18pm

Thank you, with love. ♡

anonymous Aug 23, 2015 9:36am

This is a sincere question. I have been trying to understand this generational difference for a very long time. Why is it that younger people (I am 62) use the F word so liberally? I see it used so much that I wonder if generationally the meaning, the nuance of the term has changed? For me, it is a ugly word for a sacred action. I really want to understand how it is viewed by people younger than myself. Thanks!

    anonymous Jan 26, 2016 3:48pm

    I would have to agree with you, Genevieve. I am 24, and while I certainly do let out the occasional F-bomb here and there, I am, too, curious about its overuse. I realize the word has evolved, and it no longer only means a dirty word for sex. It's use is becoming mainstream, and you see it everywhere. But I don't think it is a good thing. It's allowing writers to become lazy; to stop describing whatever it really is they are trying to describe, and instead tells the reader to do the work themselves. This is fine for imagination, but the use of language in writing is the author's sole responsibility and purpose in a piece. I see it all over Elephant. the word itself is still provocative enough that in an alternative space, it's considered artsy. But just because it is provocative does not mean it's the best in all cases. The F-bomb still has its places where it best fits, and so does other, more real language. I believe this piece has been done a bit of a disservice because of it.

    anonymous Mar 6, 2016 4:46am

    Genevieve, speaking as someone who has fallen into the f-bomb trap, I try to only use the word when I am at least with very close others, if not alone. There are different circumstances for the word, in my experience. It is now so universally available when the brain is too wretched out to find other verbage. It is representative of the abuse, the nuisance, and the disrespect that shrouds us from moment to moment, day to day, week in and week out. It is representative of the highest form of any anger or disgust, the kind that has no words, except for this: Oh F*ck it all!…The same type of extreme that the word love cannot compensate for, in it's specific realm. It is representative of a soul that is using all brain power just to perform the daily activities of life…and yet life doesn't stand still..Blaring that word over and over creates a shield against the railing winds of life that will not subside, the kind that steal you're joy and your ability to peer through the silver linings…It is also a buzz word for depression and anxiety. Imho, someone flaunting the word freely without discretion to whom it adheres itself to is either needing to feel welcome, feeling anxious, or feeling hopelessly powerless without hope for resolve. Is it lazy? F*ck yes it is. ! Does this help?

anonymous Aug 23, 2015 9:31am

I really loved this piece, I can identify with what you're saying so much right now with what's going on in my life. I hope you don't mind but I shared my thoughts on it to my blog, obviously giving you full credit, please have a look and if you'd rather I take it down then that is fine, but thanks for sharing such a great, heartfelt piece of writing. https://cathannis.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/thank-

anonymous Aug 22, 2015 8:44am

Hey love,
Was it something I said? When I shared the comment about the good left undone song, I was not thinking of you. My bf related to that song at some point in our relationship since he could recognize that he was possessive of me. I didn't mean I was walking away from you. I can't know how you interpreted it and it is likely bothersome that I am trying to guess, but I figured I would share what I was thinking. When I shared the story about the ugly duckling going to wrong places for the wrong things, I also was not thinking of you either. I was thinking of my past when I did this some. I hope you didn't interpret it in a way I didn't mean. But, maybe this has nothing to do with what has caused these feelings and I also completely respect your feelings and want to create space for them. Sending love and understanding. Sorry if I have caused you to hurt, I didn't intend to.

anonymous Aug 21, 2015 6:33pm

Wow. Very well worded. The analogies are so poignant. Great read!

anonymous Aug 21, 2015 4:26pm

It may just be for you, but I'm still looking for my silver lining. This writing is now helping to point me in the right direction. Thank you.

Hans Streckenbach Feb 19, 2017 6:09pm

A strong voice is prevalent in your piece. Great narratives and a lovely new fervor for life displayed - cheers!