Warning: Adult language
Before you read this and think it’s for you, I’m so sorry it is not yours.
It was written for me.
Every letter, each word that you see here is mine.
The tears that smeared ink and fell hard on the keys of this typewriter are not yours to touch. They fell solely for me. The last drop that fell from my cheek has now dried. The cleansing is done.
My memories are cast and the wind has taken the thoughts that compulsively span around my mind.
My eyes no longer seek to catch sight of a love we once shared.
Finally. Thank f*cking God.
Thank the storms, the rain and the wind that have spun and dazed me for days. Thank the rivers that my tears bled into and thank the nights that became my days.
Thank the hours that I trembled, thank the cold hard floors that held my bones and thank the aches and breaks that tore at my shell when you left me empty and raw. Thank loneliness.
I experienced it all.
I learned to feel love. I learned to feel numb. And I stumbled and crumbled and fell into the vortex.
I trembled with every extreme.
It was brutal and chaotically ravaged my soul.
I lived under your spell.
It drowned out all noise.
I was enchanted.
Spinning, free-falling and dazed.
It dealt vicious blows and brought me down onto my knees.
I cried out your name. I screamed so loud but no sound came out.
No one heard and no one came to the rescue.
So, I danced alone with our death.
I stepped in time with a shadow. Of a love I once knew.
I didn’t know what was there at the end of our line. I was terrified to let go of the comfort that holding our memories gave.
Then it hit me harder. The loss. Not just the loss of you, the loss of us, of what we could have been. And of all the “if only” thoughts that tangle and then knot my mind.
I had to stand up and open my eyes.
I’ve carried this weight. I’ve taken you with me, all because I couldn’t let go. I wouldn’t.
I risked all for this love. I let you in. I sealed all the edges. I locked you in tight.
Now I’m letting it out. I’m letting you go.
I clung to the glimpse of perfection I thought I once saw.
But, now it’s gone. Like stardust… it burned out.
Time heals. It soothes old wounds and patches up scars.
Time teaches there’s no need to hold. Holding is heavy. Holding is agony. Holding prolongs all the pain.
Time wears tints, beautiful spectacles that glance down cobblestoned lanes. Time doesn’t see truth. Time forgets. Time remembers the things I’d rather forget.
Time is messy and always gets confused.
But, time clears. Eventually.
The darkest hour is always before the dawn.
Loss drives us to hell and leaves us there.
But we can return. Whenever we choose.
And so now…
I’ve returned. I’m back on the rolling road.
Thank f*ck. I’ve suffered enough. Though my injuries were self-inflicted.
I shouldn’t have held for so long.
But now, I’m empty of you. Our bridge is burned. I’ve rose from the ashes.
I have cut you loose and I’ve finally let all of you go.
Every storm has a silver lining.
I lost you.
Then finally found me.
Author: Alex Myles
Editor: Travis May
Photo: Flickr/Christian Gonzalez