October 18, 2015

How Wearing Pantyhose Pigtails Created my New Life.

Mitya Ku/Flickr

The other morning I woke up with money anxiety. In my previous life, I was finally gaining some financial momentum, but the means by which I was doing so was killing my soul.

After a seemingly inexplicable move to a rogue Caribbean island off the coast of Venezuela and a wild ride of tribulations, I have finally reconstructed my life to truly support what I want: to make a (great) living from my passion.

Things were starting to click—but I still felt something missing. So I took a long walk to detach, shift gears and create space to consider the question: Are my emotions aligned with what I want?

Recently I’ve become attuned to the concepts of “we are the creators of our reality,” “life gives you more of what you put into it,” and the like—so I feel comfortable (er, in that spiritual-y way) in the knowledge that my current financial state is a reflection of me. It is the culmination of many connected strands of choices and habits that are ultimately driven by my thinking—not the obvious outward thinking, like where we all ask God/the Universe/wish/try to manifest “I want to be financially secure,” but the subconscious script that replays inside of us informing things otherwise.

Even though we really do  want a great relationship, financial success or insert-positive-life-situation-here, our fears, conditioning or lack of self-worth create a core emotion that is the true underlying vibration the Universe hears and responds to: “I don’t deserve it,” “It’ll never happen,” “There’s no way I can…”.

The long walk I took was at the beach. Now, this country is a mess right now. Inflation on the street can clock in at up to 300% in a week, and to get a car battery, toilet paper or soap requires a mafia connection—but wow do we have the best beaches, and we celebrate in enjoying them. So I’m walking along said beach and something stopped me in my tracks. I turned and faced the ocean…stunned. I laughed out loud. (Luckily it was an unpopulated stretch.) “I live at the beach.”

This may seem absurd, but the funniness of it is that, for the first time (I’ve been here 4 years), I realized: this is what I wanted my whole life.

In one of those flash-before-your-eyes moments, I replayed the whole thing and saw—nay, felt—here is an intrinsic sense of belonging by the ocean for me. It is such a core part of who I am and never wavered. I can recall every moment of my life, literally, with an undercurrent of not just wanting to be by the beach, but actually behaving, projecting, feeling in some way as if I already did, as if it is from where I came and where I shall be.

Much of this wasn’t conscious. It came out in the way I dressed, decorated, my attitude and sensibilities. It was a pure sense of being that was a source of excitement; whether I focused on it or not, it kept me going. A constant vibration. This must be the purity of emotion the Universe hears when aligning things to offer you what you want in life. Although I never lived with the conscious intent of designing my actions to get to the beach, the deep knowing alone was enough to slowly get me here.

I kept giggling and shaking my head the whole walk back. My “prayers” had been answered when I wasn’t even focused on asking. It came from a place of, “I am a beach girl. This life is what I love and it fits me perfectly.” Wow, I thought. That’s core emotion.

Next stop: fruit stand. I live in the “country” side of the island, so to get to the supermarket is a fairly involved task. Besides, the selection and quality is better at the local fruiterias, and I love standing in the dirt picking my imperfectly unwashed veggies from rickety wooden bins…Oh my God I am Laura Ingalls! The bombshell hit. With an avocado in one hand and a bag of mandarins in the other, I closed my eyes, shook my head and quietly laughed. This time I was not in an unpopulated place and I got some looks as the movie played in my head: My entire youth I obsessed over Laura Ingalls and Little House on the Prairie. I loved the rawness of their log cabin, the freedom and wild of the prairie and the oneness of collecting and preparing their simple foods.

For years, I had a ritual play: I would dress up like Laura Ingalls (throw on a flowered Sunday School dress—it was as close to prairie gear as I could find) and go collect eggs (rocks) from “chickens” and vegetables (leaves) from a “garden.” If any of you are old enough to remember (or young enough to Google), Laura Ingalls had long braided pigtails. I had no hope of mocking this style in my dress-up as my mother always cut my hair short. So I would stretch a pair of her pantyhose over my head and pretend the legs were my pigtails. I did this so much I think she actually bought me a personal stock of pantyhose so I would stop ruining hers.

In the fast motion playback of my life, this is my “happy place.” In fact, I recognize replaying these scenes in current times. When I do, I feel utter delight.

That, my friends, is a core emotion of happiness—without shame, fear or underlying chatter of “never gonna happen.” And now it is happening—just exchange prairie for island.

That feeling, I believe, is what is missing when we think we’re doing everything “right” but not seeing our dreams manifest. No matter how many affirmations we spout or how aligned our activities are with our goals, the Universe cannot be fooled: If we don’t actually feel the delight, if there is doubt in our heart, we will be answered accordingly.

So how can we clear the subconscious of limiting convictions that are blocking our desired life? How can we access the purest delight in feeling as if something we want is already here? Here are a few things I am venturing into that are already showing me…shifts. The cool thing is they don’t feel like effort because they are really fun. It’s a like a secret new playground I have all to myself.

1. Go somewhere to be truly away from all your normal influencers and imagine scenarios that fill you with absolute delight.

The importance of getting away from everyone and your normal surroundings is critical, at least in the beginning.

Kids or spouses looming in the background waiting to interrupt, or even looking at your current state, may subconsciously feed your limiting convictions. Be where you can’t be “found” for a while so that you can be allowed to cut your imagination loose without feeling judged: a picnic in the park, a long sit in a museum. Nobody has to know what you’re doing. It’s your own internal party.

Allow scenarios to come to you. In your wildest dreams, what will you do? What will your home or love life feel like?

Out of nowhere one time I imagined myself leading small retreats to help people access their true selves. As the vision played out, it felt real and I was filled with pure delight. Then the needle scratched off the record: Subconscious chatter immediately kicked in that said, “Who would do that with you, who would make that effort or spend that money? What do you have to offer?” Seriously. First thing that popped up. Which brings me to…

2. Find within yourself the love, acceptance or approval that a hurt place in yourself craves, and give it to yourself.

We develop limiting convictions as a result of modeling or emotional trauma. These convictions tell us in some way we don’t deserve, aren’t good enough or for whatever reason can’t have what we want. But know this: whatever caused it is untrue. Walk away from it and enjoy the party of “I am, and I can.” You deserve it.

(*Disclaimer: This in no way downplays a need for therapy to release severe emotional trauma. It is the essence of a new way of being that plays out differently for everyone.)

Something I’ve found that helps bolster this on the side is to perceive as much as you can as a treat. Morning coffee, a hot shower, a funny text from a friend. This is gratitude and joy, things that can only be felt from the core, not motions to go through. Give the Universe something really good to feed on.

3. Play that “in your wildest dreams” moment as a subconscious script as much as you can!

For your subconscious, it doesn’t matter whether you really experience or whether you imagine being that person. In both cases, your subconscious gets to experience that it is possible for you to be this person and as a result, the limiting conviction goes away.

This is how we start to feel like we already have what it is we’re seeking,

4. Spend more time with your desire.

But not in a wanting mode. Wanting implies you don’t have it, which inadvertently becomes a focus; the Universe seems to respond to the strongest focus. Treat yourself to as much time every day as you can to imagine what it will be like to already have what you desire.

5. Smile at other people a lot.

6. Put pantyhose on your head.


Author: Kelly Berdine

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Mitya Ku/Flickr

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