October 22, 2015

Soul Mate or Soul Hate?



*Dear elephant reader: if you’re single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.


Sometimes we meet someone and there is no explanation that accurately captures the intense connection and magnetic attraction that exists. Synchronicity and the universe have worked their magic to draw this mysterious person towards us.

It is as though the meeting has been written, pre-destined and the magic changes our lives so dramatically that it significantly alters us on a soul deep level.

A way to describe this unique and rare connection and the chemical reaction that this meeting creates is that this person is our soul mate. For anyone that has met a soul mate they will know that the meeting is not a coincidence and soul mates don’t just find one another, they recognize one another immediately.

Soul mates feel as though they understand one another’s souls right at the core. Even though they are aware that the other person is an intricate puzzle that will take a lifetime to piece together, there is a knowing feeling that makes the union feel like two parts have slotted and locked together.

Many of us have read stories that lead us to believe that a soul mate is a perfect fit with a fairytale ending but the brutal reality is unfortunately a complex and harsh one to absorb.

A soul mate is a mirror. They reflect with clarity everything back to us that lurks within ourselves. Unlike a mirror that is static in our homes, we can’t look away or avoid a soul mate quite so easily. Looking into the eyes of a soul mate is like looking through a kaleidoscope and seeing our soul. Every angle will be visible and it will all be magnified.

This means that when we are around our soul mate it isn’t just the pretty flowery stuff that will be kicked up from the earth. The dirt and mud is going to get in our eyes and under our skin too. We cannot escape the entanglement even if we run and hide ourselves far from the relationship. The grit remains and will show up in our lives in numerous ways to remind us of what it is that we still need to face up to.

Soul mates will expose us to the outer edges of the scales and they show us our extremes. We will swing from intensely sweet love straight to gut-wrenching pain as layers of ourselves are peeled away to reveal who we are on the inside.

When we are faced with this pain, it is very tempting to begin the confusing and defensive process of projecting. Instead of taking responsibility and accountability for what is triggering us to react and respond, we blame the other person and point the accusatory finger towards our partner. Then we can often behave in impulsive, childish and confrontational ways.

Instead of looking within, we look outside of ourselves. We think our soul mate must be the one who has all the issues and problems and it is far easier to pretend our own flaws and inadequacies don’t exist. Rather than taking ownership for our shadow side and our imperfections we trade them off and excuse them for being someone else’s—our soul mate takes the brunt.

When our soul mate doesn’t live up to the high expectations we have set out, we won’t hesitate in tearing them down. Sadly, this is because we are programmed and conditioned to think that other people’s behavior is something that we can control. We use all kinds of tricks and manipulations to encourage people to behave in a way that we find acceptable.

We sulk, punish, reject, berate, belittle, condemn, judge, penalize and withdraw emotions or items of financial or material worth from those who do not remain seated on our pedestals.

Soul mate connections are not easy, they require us to turn ourselves inside out and force us to expose our inner fear and selfishness. Soul mates require us to look at our issues with rejection, abandonment, jealousy, inadequacy, anger and our overall worth.

It becomes clearer to see why a soul mate can turn to soul hate. Given the choice of seeing ourselves as we truly are and avoiding our issues so we can feel safe in a bubble is something that for many is an easy choice. It seems simpler to look away. However, by looking away we risk the bubble being burst at any given moment.

The reason for this is that all of our shadow traits will seep out of us when least expected if we refuse to acknowledge and work with them. We will repeat messy patterns of bad behavior, attract all the wrong people and situations into our lives and exist in a reoccurring bad dream.

All of the things that we deny being part of us will tremble inside us until something provokes them to erupt. Like an uncontrollable volcano our lava will tumble over the walls we’ve built to try and contain it.

These walls consist of keeping soul mates firmly at bay so they do not see us as we truly are and also so that we do not see ourselves.

Soul mate can turn to soul hate. Not just soul hate for others but soul hate for our own soul too.

We often hear that before we meet and can love another we must have mastered love for ourselves. If that were the truth the majority of the world would be single as absolute self love is an extremely difficult thing to achieve.

Every moment we change slightly, we are exposed to new experiences and as we go through life, issues from our earlier years will be triggered. We are constantly learning about ourselves and about others. So that we can swim freely with the natural flow of life we must be fluid and constantly adapting and changing.

In each new experience we will be tested a little. Our soul mates will test us and those around us will test us. Much of it will be innocent, but still it may provoke an instinctive response.

When we are aware that we each have many traits within that are not so pretty and we are able to look at each of them objectively and with love, we can learn to not just accept ourselves but to unconditionally love our souls. We can learn soul love and dissolve any soul hate.

When we are able to do this for ourselves and love our ever-changing souls, we will realize our soul mate is no different. They are also a mixture of everything trying their best to navigate a world that constantly triggers years old belief systems and conditioning.

Soul mate love means that we constantly do the work that is required to love our own souls and then we can easily extend that love and acceptance outwards to others.

Soul mates provide us with the ultimate test.

Do we love or hate our own souls?

It is all reflected in how we treat those around us and how we communicate with, react and respond to the soul mate that is entangled within our heart.


Relephant read:

A Soul Mate is a Mirror: We Accept the Love we Believe we Deserve.


Author: Alex Myles

Editor: Travis May

Image: Nicolas Raymond/ Flickr

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