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I wanted to look for all my pieces I abandoned at some point.
I wanted to figure out how to fully embrace myself.
I wanted to know why I felt alone even within a relationship.
All these things I wasn’t able to do while in a relationship.
In a way I was hiding from myself and running away from my pain. Now was the time to go after it, to feel and embrace it. I wanted to look my pain in the eyes and love it to death—to love my pain so much it melted away. Loving my pain away and figuring out if I could love myself and be truly happy and fulfilled while single were my first priorities.
The first time I was single, I was incredibly happy and frightened at the same time. Frightened of all my abandoned pieces I could feel and happy that I had the time to really be with myself. I started to notice all the things I didn’t like about myself, the relationships I was not at peace with and the emotional wounds I never took care of.
I started to look into these things; first I was a bit overwhelmed, but I continued with several practices.
Every evening when I came home I would just sit with myself and be. Breathing and being with myself. No TV, no radio, no computer, handy, Myspace, Facebook or God knows what. Sometimes it felt like going crazy.
I became aware of all the chatter in my head.
Feelings from deep inside me started to pop up. I tried to be with all of it and allow it without any particular meditation or relaxation exercises. Observing myself. I would sit as long as possible—in the beginning just a couple minutes.
Later on I started to sit with my pain—the pain I didn’t want to feel for so many years and finally started to face. That was the most important thing to me: to be with my pain.
I started to make dates with myself. On these dates I sat down and asked myself how I felt. I would wait for what came up and just be with it again. While sitting with these feelings and images, I started exploring myself. Finally I could see my wounds and cracks very clearly.
Doing this brought me to meditation. I was looking for a way to go further and work with my wounds. Since I was able to see and feel them, I wanted to heal them.
I started to date myself more often.
In my meditations I practiced embracing all the pain and anything I didn’t like about myself. From A to Z, from my too muscular legs to being arrogant, from feeling too good to feeling not good enough. I collected piece after piece, sat with it and embraced it.
Sometimes I would sit forever to get to a point where I was able to accept a piece.
In addition, I did some inner work concerning my relationships. I would talk to people in my meditations to clear up my relationship with them.
I sent them love and I sent love to myself.
I forgave them and I forgave myself.
First I did it only in my meditations; later I made several dates with my ex-boyfriends, family and friends to talk about these things. It was incredibly fun and liberating. All my relationships entered a whole new level.
While doing this I got to know myself better. Any time I found another abandoned piece of mine, I picked it up and started loving it. I loved it until it was part of me again; doing this, I became more and more whole.
I learned so much about myself, cried, laughed and loved in so many different and intense ways. Of course, there were times when I felt alone, but this was one of the best things that could happen, because this feeling brought me directly to my pain—the pain I could finally feel and embrace.
Apart from embracing myself fully, I started sensing every vibe, talent and wish I had inside of me.
I fully understood who I was and why I was here.
I truly believe it can be the most exciting time for us when we deeply connect with our self for the first time. The feeling of “being alone” can change to “feeling loved and connected.” It was the time where I started feeling completely whole without needing anything or anybody on the outside.
Now, I would not choose to be with someone to distract myself, but rather to love, evolve and stay connected to myself within a relationship.
I don’t think that the journey of loving and connecting to yourself is impossible within a relationship either; I am fully convinced it is possible, but in my story I needed to date myself and evolve alone first, before being able to have such a relationship.
If there is the wish or need to be alone, we should go for it.
Finally, there is a time for everything in life. If it’s time to be single, we shouldn’t run from it. We don’t need to be afraid; even though it can be challenging, it will absolutely be worth it, and we will get to know our selves in a completely different way.
Being single can make room for the most important connection in the world: the connection to our self.
Author: Christine Stein
Editor: Toby Israel