My friend Claire and I are odd bedfellows.

While she and I don’t have a sexual relationship, she does ask me a fair amount of questions about sex. She confessed to me over dinner a month ago that she is a virgin at 28 years old. Claire admitted that her biggest concern isn’t biblical (she’s a believer in doing all other things aside from intercourse). She’s worried that if she were to have sex with a man he would no longer care for her or value her.

When she told me this, I immediately pitied her, believing that this must be due to her not being entirely comfortable with herself.

Claire, had a completely warped view of sex in my opinion.

I suspected maybe that’s why she was drawn to befriend me. I am an open minded person in general, especially, when it comes to sex and relationships.

After meeting her for dinner again, a couple of weeks ago, we revisited our prior conversation. She had just started talking to a new man. Claire reassured me that she laid it on the line for him. “I told him if he’s coming to see me thinking he’s going to get some that he’s wrong!” She said proudly.

I laughed appreciating her candor, maybe, that is why she and I click? I’m rather direct.

As we chatted over dinner she asked me what I thought the most important aspect in building a new relationship is. I explained that it is the ability to be able to talk to someone about anything. To be ourself, and accept them as they are, not try to change them.

Fast forward to later that week. I was sitting at a bar with my guy. We had been talking for what felt like maybe 15 minutes, but based off the number of beers we consumed I suspected it may have been longer. It was easy to lose track of time talking to him, solidifying my earlier theory that I bestowed upon Claire. He mentioned that he liked the shirt I had on and asked what fabric it was made of. I smiled leaning forward, “Why don’t you come back to my place and find out?” I whispered suggestively.

“It’s 11 o’clock. If I go back to your place we won’t go to bed until after midnight,” he said matter of factly.

“Wait, it’s 11 o’clock!?” I asked looking up at the television over the bar to see the time displayed. “Eastern standard time? Where had the night gone?” I asked myself. He had a valid point. It was a week night. He and I both had to be up early for work, he even earlier than me. Respecting this I agreed we should call it a night.

He passionately kissed me goodbye next to my car. The warm rain outside caused a layer of fog to build up on my windshield so I put on the AC to clear it up. While waiting for the fog to lift I tapped out a text to him,” It drives me crazy that you didn’t f*ck me.” He replied, “I know. I will f*ck you Friday. Properly.”

I smiled, feeling reassured by this. He still wanted me, everything was fine. I told myself putting the car in drive. I shook my head annoyed with myself for even thinking that.

“I was doing it all wrong!” I exclaimed aloud approaching a red light. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been doing it wrong before. All wrong.
Yes, I gave a great answer to Claire, but I had a better answer now. Stopping at the red light I took out my phone and opened a text message to her. Friendship.

The most important thing about sex is having a friendship as the foundation.

“If you don’t have that you don’t have anything. Sex is easy.” I typed and hit send.
I, like Claire, evidentially didn’t really understand the purpose of sex—until now. In the past I’d validated any sexual relationship I had with a man. I had even said in the past I would feel better once I slept with a previous boyfriends because then, “I would know things were okay,” after we had an argument. Simply having sex did not make things okay. Talking about whatever was going on would have made things okay. Communicating like adults.

In the mile drive home, I gained a different perspective about sex. By the time got home, I had a new found respect for my man. I came back to my place alone because he didn’t have to prove to me, with sex, that he respected me. He was showing me through his other actions. Of course I loved when he and I sent dirty texts and said sexual things to one another, that’s all in good fun, but there was much more to our relationship than that.

I felt like he valued my opinion and wanted to hear what I had to say. The very fact that we talked, that he chose to decompress with me and tell me about his day, what was happening in his life, made this relationship different than any other I’d before.

It’s unparalleled.

I can’t compare it to anything else, because this has sustenance to it. We’re attracted to each other’s minds and that only feeds the existing physical attraction and strengthens our connection. That is why this has such longevity. It’s also why I’ve never been as uninhibited with any other man before—this is based on something far deeper.

So, as I told Claire when she was on the way to the airport to pick up her potential new man.

Sex is not the glue that holds a relationship together.

It is an important aspect of a relationship, an expression of intimacy, but it is not the foundation. Once we have a solid foundation we can build whatever we like, especially sexually, but we had to lay the bricks and mortar first to build the castle.

I guess Clair and I had some things in common after all.

~

Relephant:

Sex & Friendship: A Marriage Reminder.

Author: Erika Cannavino

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr/Gisela Giardino