Little deaths are parts of our lives.
Things never stay the same. Things are constantly changing. We are moving houses, cities and countries. We are leaving behind relationships and friendships. We outgrow certain phases of life, or parts of ourselves. Sometimes it is simply time to move on.
Sometimes these changes come with a lot of grief, other times we are so busy with our lives we hardly pay attention. But every big change is a little death.
I’ve been feeling into all these deaths that happened in my life, and noticed that in many cases the coffins are still not buried.
There is a sense that I’m still dragging parts of dead bodies. And sometimes they really stink.
I’m dragging them because unconsciously, a part of me is still holding onto the past. It is perhaps still thinking that things will go back to the way they were. Even though consciously I don’t want that, deep down there is a fear of changing, of breaking free…
It reminds me how when I was a little child my mother wanted to give away a dress that was way to small for me. Even though I never really cared about that dress, I really didn’t want to give it away. I was crying and yelling, but I would not let go.
Contemplating all of these things, I decided to perform a grand funeral.
Everything is not going to be buried in an instant. But I am starting now.
The grand funeral involves a closing of the past.
It actually has already started, even without me wanting it. Recently when I went to Moscow, the place where I lived most of my life, I found out that all my clothes, photographs and documents were destroyed in a fire. I was shocked.
I was away for many years, and obviously I should have performed the closing myself.
But I didn’t do it myself, so it had to happen in an abrupt way, because it was time to close that part of me and that phase of my life.
I will continue the closing, and I will collect all the luggage that I left in the different places I have lived all over the world and give away a lot of the stuff.
I will write to some of those from whom life separated me abruptly and say a few final words.
I will feel others in my heart. I will whisper: “I am sorry,” and I will let them go.
I will feel the parts of me that are no longer there, and I will forgive.
I will let myself feel that bitter feeling in the heart.
And I will let it all go.
I acknowledge what used to be; I set it free and I welcome new beginnings.
Author: Sofia Sundari
Editor: Travis May
Photo: Author’s Own