January 12, 2016

I am not Crazy—I’m F*cking Awesome! {Adult}


I have been called “crazy” so many times and by so many people that after a while, I started to wonder if it was true.

I started to believe that since this is the overwhelmingly consistent consensus, there must be something wrong with me and the sad part is I don’t even know it.

I didn’t want to be “crazy.”

I know I’m a lot of person, but overall, I thought I was okay. Yet, the audience kept yelling, “you are not like us, you are not normal, you make no sense to anyone but yourself, you are crazy!”

It started to hurt. It started to make me think I needed head meds, so I took them. They dulled me, they made me a totally relaxed bore. My mind got so quiet and the world got grey.

However, for a while there, I assimilated quite well. I had no crazy to let out, so the accusations of my lunacy were as quiet as my spirit was becoming. I didn’t like this new world. It was so monotone and monochromatic. I had to make a decision; do I want to assimilate and please the masses, or do I want to please myself and live in a world made perfectly just for me?

I chose me.

So against the better judgement of my peers, I stopped the head meds. Ahhhhh—finally, the comfort of my racing thought patterns started to return. The world was becoming Fantasia again. I felt like me again, you know, the crazy girl that is too much of everything. So as each day went by without the tiny blue pills, little by little, the me I’ve grown to love slowly and surely started taking up residence within my mind, body and soul.

As the days went by, the real me securely fastened fully back into my being. There are some tricky parts to me for sure, but I know how to handle them and the trade-off is beyond worth it. I have an absolute ball being all that I am! Even if I’m too much for some, or most, or who the f*ck cares?!

I am me and I’m f*cking awesome!

I am awesome like no other. I’m not your typical awesome—I’m my own original brand. My being did not accept societal conditioning. I’m a glitch in the system. The program install failed to fully download. Sure, some fragments of the code stuck, but in all those spaces that were left empty, I was able to write my own internal coding.

The coding that I selected for myself is something more like a Disney movie than a reality series. My mind sees and believes in magic. Not because I’m crazy, but because it’s there: The societal programming left out that coding. The societal coding says that magic is for children and fairy tales—to me that is crazy!

Have you looked outside?

Have you seen the sun setting on the ocean?

Have you stargazed, ever?

Have you fallen in love?

Have you ever dreamed for something better and gotten it?

That is magic.

But I’m the crazy one for pointing this out? I’m the crazy one because I want to share this magic with the world?

The world wants me to be glued to my TV and feel terrified of existing. The news stations try to tell me that this world is sick and full of murderers and everything is unsafe. But I’m the crazy one because I say that’s a lie.

I know there are bad things in the world, but there is so much beauty all around us, and so few notice it. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to believe that this life is beautiful; even with its tragedies, that life is an unbelievable masterful design.

I don’t obsess over the gruesome story the media wants to tell, nor will I engaged in those types of conversations. It doesn’t make me feel good about being alive, so I reject it. I won’t talk about it—I want to talk about magic. I want to talk about beauty. I want to focus my eyes on the wonder of our Universe. I want to speak from my heart. I want to show people my soul, and I want to see theirs too.

I don’t like wearing masks, I like to be wholly me regardless of the environment or the audience. I only want to be honest. I’m consciously and constantly seeking my authentic self, and consciously and constantly encourage others to do the same.

So you may say I’m crazy, but deep down inside I think what they all are really saying is, “you are uniquely beautiful and I wish I could see what you see.”

I’ve been wondering why I can’t be more like everyone else, but I’m starting to believe that they wish they were crazy like me.

This is such a liberating realization: I no longer have to feel bad about being me when I hear that phrase ever again. Now I can smile as big as I possibly can and say from the bottom of my soul, “Thank you for noticing!”

I hope everyone gets the chance to experience what the world looks like through my crazy eyes, because it’s pure, beautiful, chaotic, magnificent magic.

Call me crazy and I’ll call you beautiful.



Why it Makes Sense to Believe in Magic.

Author: Vanessa Michelle Kane

Editor: Erin Lawson

Images: Flickr/Alfonso Duarte   //   Flickr/Michael Struts

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