Valentine’s day, a day of blissful romance for some and the bearer of dread for many more.
Last year at this time I was in a relationship. I was in love and excited about the prospect of spending my first Valentine’s Day with my man. I have never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, ever.
Although my logical mind knows it is “just another day,” something in my subconscious was clinging to that idea—the romanticism of it all and that “one day my prince will come” sort of thing.
On the lead up to the Big Day I started to feel an insane amount of pressure and tension. Things were nearing the end in what had been a very short, passionate and intense relationship experience. It was never going to work, but I was still clinging on.
We parted ways physically and to cut a long story short, my Valentine’s plans went to shit about a week before the actual day. I was devastated by the loss, but I also was having an intense reaction to “Why am I always alone on Valentines day?”–dilemma.
Even while writing how delighted I was to be in love, something just didn’t sit right about this whole day with me. It was putting expectations on my partner that I knew he could feel and it wasn’t enjoyable for either of us.
As a student and teacher of the metaphysical text A Course In Miracles, I have become fairly wise to the ego’s tricks to keep us stuck. This was a case of what in the book is called “special love” and it always hurts. We place expectations on another person to be all we want them to be, to meet our needs and to make us whole. Which obviously assumes that we are somehow inherently broken.
I was definitely doing this. I have always had strong feminist views on women supporting other women, not needing a man to be happy and that friendship is the most important type of relationship, but I am still not immune to the enticing pull of a special love relationship. In the book it is actually said that this “special love” that we all so desperately seek is actually a form of hatred towards the other person.
We place someone in a role in our minds, play the game and place all of these obligations around our love. And boy if they dare to break those agreements that love swiftly turns to rage, and it ain’t pretty.
I’m not saying don’t have standards or boundaries, but look at the reasons why you are entering a relationship; is it to get your needs met? Scoring a date for Valentine’s Day so your not alone? Or is it coming from a true place of wanting to know that person, see all of them and grow together? Of course the ego’s tricks will try to sneak in to even the most pure and honest relationships, but if we start off with being clear about our motives we can avoid a lot of pain and hurt further down the line.
This year I am going to join some of my spiritual sisterhood to release the past and reclaim our power in love at a workshop in London. We’re going to have some girl dates, laughs and yummy food. I won’t be scrambling around Tinder looking for someone to fill my need of not having another dateless Valentine’s day. Instead, I’ll be my own Valentine.
Here are 3 tips to becoming your own Valentine:
1. Drop the fear. It’s just another day! You can come out from under the duvet and go out in public, no one is going to be looking out for lonely singletons and branding them with a cattle iron. Laugh about it and go about your day as you usually would!
2. Have some fun! Invite your best single pals and arrange to go out for a friend date. Take yourselves somewhere nice, dress up and enjoy the energy of romance in a platonic relationship. Remember you cultivate your own romantic energy, you don’t need another person to do that!
3. Reframe the day. See this day as a gateway opening in your love life. Reframe the day in your mind, not as a failure in your ability to attract love but as a wonderful opportunity to get clear on what you want and deserve! Perform a ritual by lighting some candles, writing a list of your desired partner and release it to the Universe. Your days of single-dom are numbered baby, so enjoy the freedom!
I really love being single and I am looking forward to spending this V-day with my buddies. I know I am ready to own my worth in my relationships and not to settle for something that looks a lot like love, but maybe isn’t quite right. And I hope that you will too! You are worth the wait. Have fun, let go of the desperation and be your own gorgeous Valentine.
Author: Jennifer Cain
Editor: Sara Kärpänen
Photo: Theodor Lee / Flickr