*Author’s note: This article was written based on conversations with friends and clients and is not the author’s personal experience.
“You get so frustrated sometimes that you think you’d be better off alone. That love is not worth the heartache and pain. My Dear Beautiful Strong Woman… it’s not love that causes the heartache and pain. It’s the wrong man you choose to give into.” ~ Mr. Amari Soul
As women, we can fall hard for a man. It might be their looks that draw us in, the story they tell us about themselves, the way they gaze at us with their dark brooding eyes. Or perhaps we see some unexplainable innocence in them that makes us want to take them under our wing and nurture them back to wholeness.
We can’t always explain why it is that when we fall, we can fall hard.
Sometimes against our better judgment, we fall for the same type of guy over and over again, only to have the same experience.
Total f*cking shitstorm.
If you find yourself currently involved with or falling for this type of man, go in with your eyes wide open and just be prepared for what may come by being in that relationship.
Ultimately the choice is yours. Sometimes we need to have the experience to learn, grow and figure out what we are truly deserving of. Just proceed at your own risk.
1) The Fixer Upper
The guy has potential. You can see it. And you just know that all he needs is a little love and nurturing from you to realize his full potential.
Maybe he can’t hold down a job. Maybe he smokes and drinks a little too much. Maybe he lacks ambition, can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life or can be lazy. No matter what it is, you’re completely willing to stay the course, invest in him and make him into what you want him to be.
This will never work. Because people inherently are who they are. And they don’t change until they’re ready, if at all. If he’s not what you want exactly as he is in this moment, let him go and look for somebody who has the qualities you’re looking for.
2) The Non-Communicator
This guy couldn’t communicate an emotion or feeling if his life depended on it.
He’s running late and it doesn’t even cross his mind to call you and let you know. You can go days without hearing from him because he has absolutely no idea that letting you know he’s alive and well is something you actually depend on to keep from reporting his disappearance to the cops.
The most frustrating thing about this type of man is that he doesn’t think communication is important therefore, he’s not going to get any better with it just because you expect it of him. If you’re one of those women who likes to know how he’s feeling and where you stand, move on from this one. It ain’t ever happening.
3) The Player
The definition of The Player says it all. He loves you, and he loves many other women at the same time. Sex with you is amazing…as is sex with all the other women he’s having it with. You’ll never be his one and only because he’s just not capable. Variety is the spice of life for him.
If you’re looking for a committed, monogamous relationship, you won’t find it here.
4) The Man Who Doesn’t Know Himself
It’s very easy to fall for this guy. He seduces you with his brooding, “I’m so confused…” mystique. He asks for your opinion on things. He feeds your ego by tapping into your desire to help him figure things out. He says he wants one thing, but his actions say something completely different.
It gets exhausting trying to figure out what he wants…and until he knows, you’re never going to make him happy. Because nobody and nothing makes him happy. Walk away from this one and let him figure it out on his own.
5) The Lover of the Chase but Never the Prize
This guy loves the beginning of any courtship. In fact, he is the master of courting. He loves to flirt, to send you suggestive text messages and emails…to tell you how lucky he’d be to be with you.
Once he finally gets your full attention, reels you in, and lures you into bed, expect a complete 180 from all that romantic, “I want you and must have you now” behavior. He starts acting more distant. He doesn’t respond to your calls or texts. Communication with him goes from multiple times a day to once a week if you’re lucky.
You start to think maybe you misread him.
You didn’t. The chase is over and this is where the game ends for him. So let it end for you too. You deserve better.
6) The Wounded, Lost Guy
This man is very similar to the “I Don’t Know Myself” guy. He’s been wounded by some other woman, some childhood trauma, or some other catastrophe that’s happened recently in his life. He has made himself the victim in whatever has happened in his life and he plays on your sympathy and desire to “help him heal.”
It’s very easy to feel sorry for this type of man. He comes across as genuine, sweet and oh so helpless. He needs you and that can be very alluring. But be wary of getting involved with him. It can be a roller coaster ride going on the “healing journey” with these types of men and can end up doing nothing but draining your energy. Sometimes it’s better to remain his friend and allow him to heal on his own before diving into anything more serious.
7) The Manipulator/Narcissist
This is the most dangerous one of all. They have tons of charisma and charm, especially in the beginning. They know how to seduce a woman and will tell you whatever you want to hear… especially that he’s “never felt like this before” and feels “such a connection with you.”
Despite any red flags or things that don’t add up from his past, you fall hard fast. Once he has you where he wants you, the games will begin. He may love you, but he loves himself more. He lacks empathy for other people and if you ever question him or what he’s doing, he will manipulate you into thinking you’re insecure, jealous, paranoid or just plain crazy. At the end of the day, he’s out for him and only him and will use any form of manipulation to get what he wants.
Run…just run from this one, no matter how much you may love him.
Here’s the thing about all these different types of men: Most of their behavior is unconscious, not malicious, and they genuinely don’t realize that they are hurting anyone. That’s why it’s up to us to steer clear of them until they do the work they need to on themselves first.
Sometimes a patient, selfless woman can play a huge part in their healing, transformation and helping them become aware of their behavior and how it impacts others—if you want to take that on, my hat goes off to you.
Go in with your eyes wide open and some armor around your heart. These types of relationships can be emotionally exhausting, challenging and deeply painful when they end. Protect yourself by having a good understanding about what you may be getting into before you embark on a journey with anyone that matches these descriptions.
Bonus material: It is possible to be in a relationship and maintain independence at the same time. Here’s how:
Author: Dina Strada
Editor: Renée Picard
Image: James Garcia at Unsplash