Who would’ve thought that I might bleed my last words to you?
The words I write to you are not stemming from my mind. I’m bleeding them as they’re coming from my soul that has been long wretched.
Perhaps I didn’t think at all that I would ever write you these final words.
It’s okay. I don’t blame you, my dearest. After all, I never gave you a hint that my forever words to you might transform into my last ones. And so, you were lulled into a false sense of safety that I would never leave your side.
You see, “leave” is a prominent word in this context. At first, I wrote “let you go” but then I thought twice and omitted it.
It’s because you were already gone.
You were never there. Hence, to leave describes better the action that was about to take place.
I’m not leaving you. I never did and I never will. I promise that whenever you look for me, you will find me in your heart, in your thoughts and threaded within the fabric of your being.
However, I’m only leaving the sh*t I am in.
I am quite reminded of Frida Kahlo’s words to Diego Rivera in an unsent letter to him. She eloquently said,
“You did not understand what I am. I am love. I am pleasure, I am essence, I am an idiot, I am an alcoholic, I am tenacious. I am; simply I am. But you…You are a sh*t, my love.”
Although I understand why she didn’t send this to him, I am deciding to send this message to you.
Frida simply never sent it because she knew that some people never change. And I know you will never change. But maybe, for once, I will be heard.
My love, you piece of sh*t, you baffle me. You always claimed that you needed a miracle in your life. Something to lift you up, to change your life. Something to make your dreams come true.
I have been here this whole time. I was the miracle that was going to lift you up and change your life. But you took that miracle for granted. Maybe you thought miracles don’t take on the shape of people? Perhaps they should appear as unicorns?
Sadly, you won’t realize now the miracle that you have missed. Time will show you that yes, they can take on the shape of a person. And when you will start looking for that miracle again, you will find it.
But you will not find it physically. As I promised you, you will find me in your heart, in your thoughts and in the very essence of your being. While you were too busy chasing materialistic dreams, I was busy engraving my presence into your life.
I was making sure that my presence will be felt even when I am no longer here.
My absence will be felt in such a way that you will wonder what the real colors of my eyes are. You think they’re black, right? Well, they’re not. They’re a shade of dark brown that seems like mahogany red when you look at them in the sun.
My eyes are the color of fire and blood—the two things that are residing in my soul right now.
Of course. How could you have possibly known the real color of my eyes if you never stared at them for more than one second?
I hate to break this down to you but dark red also signifies strength and power. Two attributes that you thought I don’t possess.
But trust me, you will see them soon enough. Ah! How I’m eager to tell you about all the things that you failed to discover in me.
I like to read and thoroughly immerse myself in the characters of books. My love for reading increased when I was with you.
I love to watch sunsets and the stars. Do you know that I have an immense affinity for the Milky Way? Ah, it’s magical. Ironically, the stars, too, seemed closer than you.
My dream of a perfect night is sleeping next to the chimney, drinking wine, and enjoying mindful conversations.
I’m not sure if you truly knew me or not. Because if you did, then I believe you are as close to sh*t as Diego Rivera. You only did what brought “you” gratification. But you never bothered to immerse your soul in what “could” bring me closer to you.
I know what you’re thinking. I even know that you most likely blame me for everything hurtful that you have done.
You see, I used to care deeply about what you thought, but now I no longer do. I bleed these words to you with a sense of confidence that I never had before. What’s startling is that it’s the first time that I expect no outcome from you.
I think this is where “I” went wrong. I consistently “expected” something from you.
I no longer do and so, you are as free as you have always longed for. I now claim you free from myself, my love, and my soul.
I promise you that I will never look back but I know that you will.
You will look back and search for your home.
Because I was, I am, and always will be your home and so, becoming homeless will be f*cking hard for you.
Author: Elyane Youssef
Editor: Caitlin Oriel
Image: Jairo Alzate/Unsplash