I have heard far too often that love “shouldn’t be this hard”—that when it is “right” it just falls into place.

Not only is this far from true, it is the very illusion that is responsible for the dissolution of many loves.

Love takes an immense amount of work.

Not only do we need to build it brick by brick, but we need to form each one of those bricks with our bare hands—and our even more naked hearts. We need to construct them out of so many things that are not readily available to our guarded, expectant, disillusioned selves—trust, honesty, forgiveness, patience, perspective, a willingness to see and be seen, commitment, integrity—and we have to actively participate in the construction, not just hope that it happens as we go about living our lives.

I believe we came up with that idea—that love should be easy—by how rapturous the initial falling can be.

When our energy collides—heart, soul, head-on with another’s—the vibration propels us into a state we are sure is love. We get lost in the ecstasy, the potential—and we allow ourselves the sweet buoyancy of drifting together. Until the sailing is not so smooth, and the collisions come instead—as arguments, as unravellings, as revealings of true sides and questioning what it is you thought you once had.

Because surely it shouldn’t be this hard…

You know what they say about Rome? Same goes for love.

And how exquisite is Rome? Worth the effort, I mean, the pizza alone…

Seriously though, love that is worked for—that you truly gave yourself to the growth of—is satiating. That initial connection is real. Desire, lust, physical attraction—all extremely real.

Our bodies know something our minds and hearts have yet to figure out—that there is a reason we’re drawn to someone. And that very reason is less connected to how that person feels entwined with you, and has more to do with your souls connecting.

I recently learned the difference between a soulmate and the deeper connection (known as your twin flame, for the serendipitous and synchronistic coming together with your own). While soulmates compliment each other, twin flames mirror each other. They are the embodiment of each others lessons, and strive to teach, guide and grow with the other in love.

We can have a handful of soulmates in our lives that—in the ease of connection from similar likes, dislikes, ways of viewing the world, mannerisms, temperaments and vibrations—it feels like love with them. But I assure you, a soulmate does not mean a love match.

Finding someone who challenges you, who makes you work to understand your own love and affection (for yourself and them), who is intentional and observant, inquisitive and blunt, and who might ebb and flow from your life (as twin flames can continue to grow together even apart), but ultimately stays connected because, hey, there is work still to be done—there you might have love.

Do not shy away from the work.

Although we cannot know “forever” any more than we can predict “never” in love, we needn’t let fear, discomfort or a lilt in our early stages of bliss to cause us to run. If anything, meet the dis-ease. You will know when there is something to work on or walk away from—you will know the difference between being abused, abandoned or falling for someone emotionally unavailable, versus when the discomfort is simply from being seen more intimately than you ever have been before.

Meet the discomfort and be in it.

You deserve to grow in love—to be brought to your highest self and to bring another person to theirs.

Collect your bricks. Enjoy the process—the construction of your own exquisite love story.

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Author: Tiffany Anderson

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Flickr/Nadia Morgan