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March 21, 2016

Conquering My Self-Animosity.

halli bayer artijcle photo
I was born with a bossy gene, I can’t help but love to be in charge.

And I also love to be right. Always.

However, spending a week in Ecuador, recently, reminded me that I have a lot to learn.

When I was growing up, my dad was pretty mean to me, my mom and my little sister. It was scary and left me with considerable fear, guilt and shame. (In fact, part of me is scared to even write this article…)

During the week I spent exploring Ecuador, I practiced a Meditation to Conquer Self-Animosity for three minutes each day. According to Yogi Bhajan, the teacher who brought kundalini yoga from India to the West, this meditation “conquers the state of self-animosity and gives you the ability for constant consciousness in support of your core self.”

By my fifth day of practicing the meditation, I noticed that my thoughts were softer. I started to be kinder towards myself, more patient and forgiving.

I began to hear my mind saying things to me like: “It’s okay, sweetie,” and, “Aw, don’t worry.” The voice in my head had never said anything that nice and supportive to me before.

Then, on the sixth morning, I woke up feeling yucky, like there was something in me I needed to purge. I went the whole day feeling off, and then did the meditation again at night. By the end of my three minutes, I was heaving sobs right on the wood floor of Quito’s Community Hostel.

I saw how cruel I have been to myself for so many years. I pick at my skin, I pick at my self, I pick at my life. I’m critical of every breath I take.

If I had to guess, I would say that I internalized a lot of what my dad said and did to me when I was little. Always thinking I was doing something wrong, or that my very presence was a nuisance at best.

In Quito, in that thin air that I could barely breathe, I realized that I could let all of that go. That I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I never have.

And maybe that realization will help me let going of always being “right.” Maybe as I start to believe that I really am just right just how I am, I won’t have to put quite so much energy into proving it to others.

Here is a video where you can learn how to do this meditation technique yourself:

 

 

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Author: Halli Bayer

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Author’s Own

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