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Q. I love everything about my husband—except lately, I’ve been finding it hard to love his less than average-sized penis.
He is super sensitive down there, and he has to slow way down and it makes things so lame and boring…I mean excruciatingly boring. So boring that I feel like I’m supposed to just lay there, because anything else would be awkward and out of place. I want to stand up naked and scream WTF?!
We’ve been married for four years and it’s always been this way. I’ve always been able to look past it because I love him, but I’m not loving it anymore. We haven’t been intimate for a month or more. I fear it will eventually ruin our lives. He acts like an 18-year-old virgin!
I don’t know what to do. What are your thoughts?
A. When I read your question, it brought to mind those unfortunate rats in Africa trained to sniff out abandoned landmines.
With this subject, you stepped right into one. I applaud your sacrifice.
I know there are hundreds of women who a) feel the same way as you, and b) have no idea how to—or if to—raise the subject. Discussing one’s comfort level with the size of a man’s member is akin to asking a priest if he ever gets horny. It’s considered in terribly poor taste, and what business is it of yours, anyway?
Frankly, it’s very much our business—especially if that penis plays a part in our very real, very valid and very powerful sexual vitality.
On the one hand, how big or small a man may be is not in his control, so we women carry immense guilt when we are not satisfied with what he brings to the bedroom. As you said, you love everything about your husband—it can’t feel good to complain about something he can’t do anything about. For example, if a man expresses disinterest in a woman who has small breasts or a less-than-cushy tush, we find this sexist. So much pressure to be what they want, right?
The hard fact to swallow is that men have every right to express their desires. So should we. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging what turns us on and what doesn’t. The real issue is knowing what’s a deal-breaker and what isn’t.
One could simply choose not to partner with someone who is physically subpar in his or her eyes. And certainly that happens. However, when it comes to selecting a life partner, many of us see past the purely physical because we are evolved, caring, compassionate people who realize it takes much more than physicality to create a fulfilling and lasting love.
So now that the cat’s out of the bag, what do you do about it?
Let’s talk specifics first: Less-than-average-sized men are very much capable of being incredible lovers. Sex is about the entwining of souls. Our whole bodies exude spirit when we make love. Every part of us is capable of being a sexual tool—fingers, tongues, thighs, toes—if his penis is small, it may not fill you the way you desire. But is there anything else that can fulfill you? Vibrators? Dildos? His mouth?
You mentioned that you’ve been dissatisfied “lately.” Considering his sensitivity has been present from the beginning, was sex ever exciting for you? If so, what made it that way? Were you aroused by his kindness? His handsome face? His amazing shoulders? The way he says your name? The noises he makes during sex? Recalling the turn-ons you experienced with him may help reboot your sexual drive with him.
If you’ve merely tolerated sex all these years, was this due to his penis size or his need for extreme focus during lovemaking? Another way to put this is: If he were well-endowed, would his sensitivity still be an issue?
No one wants to make love without moving. The fact that you are not able to express your own sexual energy through movement is an obstacle not to be overlooked. You love your man, and you want him to enjoy his sexual experience. But what about yours?
It may be that your husband is in need of some assistance with his hypersensitivity. Seeing a urologist may the best option. If he doesn’t think the issue is medical, he may benefit from learning a few alternative methods of lovemaking to help him last longer and allow you the space to enjoy your sexual experience as well. Seeing a therapist who specializes in sexuality may also benefit him.
While it may be that your husband’s penis size is affecting your lovemaking, it may also be that whatever kept you aroused in the past has diminished in some way. You may wish to take some time to discover what has changed in four years. You might find that it has nothing to do with his body, but more to do with communication between the two of you—particularly when it comes to balance in the bedroom.
It’s time to claim your sexuality once again—but when you do, be sure to bring him with you. The first step is to talk about your needs and desires with him as an equal. In that way, you will be able to meet each other where you are and move forward from there together. If you reach an impasse, couples therapy is the next best step.
In the end, size only matters if you decide it does. And whatever you decide is the right choice for you.
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Photo: Unsplash/James Garcia