There is that voice inside of me still. The one that sneaks up on me, jumps out from behind an unexpected corner in some room, throws a blanket over my head and attempts to drag me off somewhere dark and cold.
It is this voice that shouts, “It’s not safe, run,” when I am just about to accomplish something new and grand. It is this voice that tells the woman who I am that she is not worthy, undeserving, must get more training, more schooling, more fitness scheduling, more spiritual practicing, more loving connection…before she can truly shine.
It is this voice that thinks that after something good always follows something bad.
And I am now calling the bluff of this exact voice.
It took a lot of soul searching, earth tramping, city-to-city traveling and forest dwelling to get to this point where I have realized there are two women living inside of me; one is happy and knows what she wants and the other continually questions whether we have all, or any, of our sh*t together.
There were years where I thought I had lost the plot, when this other skeptical women ruled my life. Often days were so self-deprecating that I thought they would be impossible to get over.
Not again? Really, another re-birth? But the empowered me knew that this not-enough-lady must be deleted, purged or plunged into the depths of somewhere inky, quiet and far away.
Yes, this woman right here (the happy one) has burnt her home to the ground a few times in attempt to get rid of the other one. She is the proud goddess who sprinkled seeds over charcoaled earth and watered places no one else thought good could grow.
She is the farmer who planted wheat when everyone grew rice and the pilgrim who walked barefoot when others wore shoes.
No one can tell us what it will take for us to feel enough.
But, I had a reminder from a friend today. She said, “Remember when you were born? Don’t you think you were enough then?”
This was from a woman with three babes of her own, knowing very well, that each one of us comes into this world just right.
I thought about this and the woman in me who didn’t feel enough. I wondered if there was anything that would ever make her believe she was allowed to be, just right.
She was the fear woman, created for protection. This feminine was the one who thought she was supportive in her reprimands and chides.
This was the figure that appeared when I threw city maps out the window and chose my own routes instead. She was like the navigator on my phone, “Turn right in 400 meters, turn left in three kilometers…” Except where she directed me was always to old stomping grounds, the ones I previously burned down.
She was most comfortable in historically, familiar settings.
The woman who wasn’t enough always fought with the woman who was content and empowered. This doubtful lady thought that “safe” was the best place to stay.
It was inside this “safe” space that I went with her today, me, representing the woman who is powerful, outspoken and strong and her, the woman who didn’t believe. We had a tea party in an open field just out of town.
I had a few things to tell her:
“Life is not what you think. It is not always scary, hard or painful. This human experience is meant to be just that, a journey and a ride.
We are not here forever, and in fact this body is entirely temporary. This life has been lent to us upon our own request. We are visitors here.
Don’t be so serious and worried. The reason we chose to come was to enjoy.
Find the purpose that fills your heart and follow it, wherever it takes you. If your job here is to learn how to breathe deeply, then do that. We don’t need to prove anything.
Soon we will all go back to another residence, probably one up there among the stars. We will look down at earth and think, ‘Really, why didn’t I appreciate that more? Why did I think each decision I made was such a big deal, that there was something called right or wrong, scary or too much?’
Stop! Fretting over whether we are good enough is a waste of time.
Replace these worries dear with kisses. Substitute the self-doubt with self-hugs and introduce yourself instead as the woman who can do anything, the woman who deserves happy and the woman who intends to fly.
Be seen, really seen and know that you are being witnessed by others who are just visiting too. Others, who like you, are headed back soon to stardust and moonbeams.
It is only a short trip, this human life. Make it worth it, if for no other reason than yourself.”
We packed up our now empty tea saucers. The woman who didn’t believe turned to me and said,
“I remember now after your story,
that time we lived up in the stars,
when nothing was good or bad.
We were all simply perfect,
spheres of light.
Perhaps, we still are that?”
I turned to her and I smiled. I thought she might be catching on.
Author: Sarah Norrad
Editor: Travis May