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May 6, 2016

So—I took your Side.

Flickr/simpleinsomnia

For the longest time, it was still your side of the bed.

When we first ended, I couldn’t even bring myself to sleep in the middle of the bed.
That side was yours. It had been for eight years—it was always that way. I wasn’t prepared to let go of that ritual.

Time passed, and gingerly I would allow my leg to slip over to that side, stretch out a little bit.
But as I lay my head down every night, I would be reminded that the weight of your body used to balance where i slept.

I began to realize that this was actually a thing—I had unconsciously chosen to let you continue to have a side in my life. Even though I had stripped you from my heart—had grown strength to speak my voice and no longer needed your approval—you still had a side.

Even when new lovers would stay, they would go on your side.
My goodness, that was even stranger! Them lying were you did before. Their bodies not matching yours—their weight never feeling the same.

I dreamed up that this is why they never stayed, why it never worked out. Because they were seeping into your mold?
You were suffocating the very place where love is expressed. Your smell thick and dense—pungent with pain and heartache.

My dreams swiftly turning to nightmares—my love making to tears, as I was lost in your dark presence still in my life.

I had to let this go—I am more. More beautiful than you could ever see, more strong than you could ever handle and more kind and caring then you ever knew.

And—I didn’t want it to be the same with him.
He was different, so this had to be different.

The way he touched me gave me such comfort. The way he kissed me was like writing stories on the curves of my lips—and how i loved to read them with my tongue. I was captured and yet free in his embrace of respect, trust and wonder.

So—I took your side.

And he took mine.

That was it. This felt right.

I took your side, because now I can reclaim all of me. I took your side and erased the emptiness there. You were gone and I was whole.

He took my side, as I know he always will. He fit so perfectly into the groove I had left—his body was matched to mine in every way. We were meant to share this moment together.

It was warm and loving once again in my bed.
There was no spaces to fill, my heart was overflowing.
There was no guilt, shame or worry.
No one was in the wrong spot.

He was within me, and I—I have replaced you, with my self-love.

.

Author: Felicity Lavars

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

Photo: Flickr/simpleinsomnia

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Felicity Lavars