Someday, I will be the person I want to be, the person I was destined to be.
Someday, I will finally be myself.
I will be the strong, confident, and independent woman who I’ve always wanted to be. I will abandon my fears and conquer mountains. I will stop crying so much—so hard–and finally start laughing again. I will accomplish what I am destined to accomplish.
I will make these dreams come true and these fears become dust, against all odds. I will achieve what my heart desires and my soul yearns for. I will break free from these chains—chains of fear and anger, chains of society, chains of rules, chains of limitations, chains of pleasing others and fitting in, chains of helplessness, chains of frustration and sadness and jealousy.
Chains of long dark nights of endless crying on my bathroom floor.
I will escape these thoughts and create a world of sunshine and hope. I will say, “no” to their boring rules and limits and, “yes” to my promising dreams. I will run away, even if it means being alone, it also means being free. It means being satisfied with myself and not waiting for anyone’s validation. I will run away because I can, because I want to, because they told me not to.
Someday, Mom, I will have the courage to love wholeheartedly and give my everything, just like you do.
Someday, Dad, I will have the strength to face negative people and situations and learn from them, just like you do.
Someday, lover, I will learn to give all my heart and love unconditionally, fearlessly. I will learn to trust my circumstances. I will learn to take whatever life has to give me with a smile on my face and faith in my heart, just like you do.
Someday, sister, I will face life with the determination and confidence you have. I will win and lose and learn and grow, just like you.
Someday, friend, I will let myself be myself. I will learn that being vulnerable means being strong. I will learn to apologize and show my love without feeling weak. I will know how to walk away from toxic people and cherish those who love me, just like you.
Someday, yes someday, I will kill the demons in my head.
But for now, please, let me dwell on this sadness and sink in these tears, for this is how I feel alive and human.
For now, please, leave me to my demons. They are not done with me yet.
For now, let me stay at home, in my pajamas, and think of all the things I’ve done wrong and all the things that have broken me. Let me stay here and bury myself in my thoughts and fears. Let my demons consume me and burn me down until I’m lying in ashes on the ground.
Then, someday, my angels will bring me back to life.
But for now, just leave me be.
Author: Hoda Hilal
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock
Photo: flickr/Rolfe Kolbe