May 16, 2016

The Other Side of Hard.

hanging on letting go grief sadness alone

I had to get there—to the other side of hard.

I’ve been in the hard. With you.

I see the potential. Everything I want, I know it’s there. I know it’s right below the surface. Right there, but not for the now.

So we backed up.

And it’s hard.

Because all I want to do is run into your arms and feel your hands on my back and your face in my neck, pulling me in tightly and holding me perfectly—the way you do. I want my tears to fall as I tell you my fears and hurts; my hopes and dreams; my secret wishes. All the things I want to do with you and to you.

But not now.

You’re not ready. And maybe I’m not ready either.

You see it too. You know it. You feel it. You let the words slip out in the close moments…

And my soul cracked.

I don’t let people in. I see the potential and I find the flaw and I. Walk. Away.

Every time.

I am strong. I am resilient. I don’t let people in, but I started to let you in.

I felt safe. I felt like I could wrestle with my thoughts and imperfections. I could throw a little fit because I was hurt. And you listened. You heard me. You held me. You didn’t walk away. Damn it. You didn’t walk away.

And when I wanted to, I didn’t. I threw a tantrum like a two-year-old and you gave me space to do it. You said it was okay. And you talked to me and held me and you were there. And I didn’t walk away.

You see me. You see all the sides of me—sides I don’t show to many. Sides I didn’t even think I was showing, you saw. Damn it, you see me. And that makes me catch my breath. And hold it. And feel like I can’t ever. Breathe. Again.

And it scares me.

And it makes me want to love you.

I know in my head all the reasons why, for you, there is no now. I get it. I support it. I want to encourage you in your “not right now” space of life.

But I also know I can’t lose me in your not now. You’re in a spiral that I can’t fix, that I can’t let pull me down. I so desperately want to walk alongside your spiral. I want to be your sounding board, your encourager, your source of joy. Because I am joy and I want to be in it with you.

But I know if we’re ever to get to the now, I have to honor your not now.

I have to back up. And that’s hard.

Because I know I got in too. I got into the cracks that you tried to keep closed. You thought you were keeping me at a distance. You thought you weren’t showing all sides, weren’t letting me see.

But I did.

I saw. I knew. And I didn’t run.

I’m processing and understanding so I can get to the other side of this hard and be okay. I know I’ll be okay. And I know I’m learning lessons. So today I choose not to focus on the negative or the spiral that’s consuming you. Stealing you.

Instead I’m going to see that for a moment, we were in the hard. Together. I showed up. I was present. Even at times when there were words I couldn’t say, they eventually came out. I was me. I let me show up. I let me be vulnerable. I let me laugh and dance and cry and laugh some more. With you. And you let me just be me. And you laughed with me. And you danced with me. And you let me be me. And you were okay with me.

Now I know I can do this. I can show up and choose not to run. I can show up and share me. I can show up and let someone else show up and together we can open our cracks and let each other into the hard.

I don’t know if there will ever be a now for us. But I have to keep moving forward with my life. I have to be present in the now. For me.

And maybe someday, I’ll get to the other side of our hard.


Author: Nancy Thompson

Editor: Nicole Cameron

Image: Florent Chretien/Flickr 

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