By this stage in my life, I thought I had it all down pat. I was a healer who was teaching self-love. I had awakened and transformed my life. The amount of work I had done on myself, the workshops, the healings, yoga, meditation, dancing and the list goes on. It was my life. I had my shit sorted.
So now I thought I would finally attract someone who would be at my vibration, that had the capacity to love me because I now loved myself. I was now truly ready and open for love, wasn’t I? Well, I thought I was but, it turns out I had much more yet to learn.
My deeper truth decided to enlighten me with her words:
“You think you have it all sorted do you? Oh that’s very sweet. But you are now going to attract someone who’s going to show you all your core wounds and, sorry to tell you, it’s not gonna be pretty. Actually I’m not sorry, you need this. It’s going to challenge you like you could have never in your worst nightmares imagined. You think you love yourself now, well as the truth, I have to tell you that there are parts of you that you don’t think are lovable. They are so deeply buried that you can’t even see them right now. I’m here to show you that they are lovable but for you to really see and feel that, I’m going to have to bring up every wound you have buried.
This is where he comes in. This man you attract is going to reflect this by not only triggering these wounds but attacking all these parts of you deep down that you still think are unlovable. Which, of course, are only the parts of himself he can’t stand either. There will be manipulation, lies and even narcissistic abuse that preys on your healer/saver/rescuer/mother archetypes that you have been developing so devotedly. Yep, ouch, fucking ouch. In the process you will completely abandon yourself to try and make the relationship work. Because you think that this is finally your time for love. Be prepared to doubt and question yourself and your abilities constantly. Be prepared to be crushed to the core of your soul.
Don’t worry though, I’ve got you. You will rise up from this…eventually. I promise. When you finally decide to leave—though it may take a while because your wounds are going to keep you stuck in this toxic dynamic. One day you’ll get to a point where you feel like you are not really living anymore, like a weak shadow of your former self and you’ll reach out to me because you know in truth this man is not the one for you. I did tell you that from the start, but no, no you didn’t listen to me. That’s okay though, I forgive you, you weren’t ready to listen. I know you wanted this connection to work so badly, I get it. So we’ll devise a plan for you to eventually leave for good and then you’ll never look back.
That’s when you’ll be ready and willing to really listen to me…finally! I’m your deeper truth. I’m your unconscious consciousness. I’m the one who you’ve really been looking for. I will then show you how to heal like you have never healed before and then you will fucking rise up! You will dig into the mud, the shit, the shadow, the shame. Oh the shame! I hear ya. Fuck the shame! Let’s not forget the guilt either. But you have to learn to love the shame and the guilt. They are here to show you even more of the parts of yourself that you don’t love and then you’ll learn that they aren’t real. Eventually you’ll thank shame and guilt and let them go. It’s only the meaning you make that makes it real for you.
Love is the only thing that’s real, everything else you just made up! Oh, yes, you did. You created all of it. You’ll want to blame everyone else, especially him, but honey, you chose this and taking self-responsibility will empower you. Remember the first time you got really hurt? You didn’t make that happen to you. But that’s when you created the meaning behind it and that is where the hurt comes from—the meaning. It’s not what happens to you, but what happens through you.
Yes, I hear you saying that you know this already and you’ve been working on this shit for years! But you didn’t go deep enough, you didn’t quite get to the heart of the source wound, the first ever soul crushing thing that happened to you, the ego-survival mechanism kicker-inner. You’ve only learned to love the parts of yourself that you felt you could love, you learned to love the light in you. But you hadn’t learned to love all of the dark, your shadow self, you haven’t even been aware of all that really is really you. But don’t worry, you will and I’ve got your back.
So the good news is you can now choose differently! You can destroy all the shit you made up and create a new empowered meaning and live and relate to people inside of that instead. Yes, I repeat, you can create it. Wait, this needs more emphasis. You can fucking create it! Now how freaking awesome is that going to be?
See this is what most people don’t get: We are here to learn how to love the parts of ourselves we think are unlovable. You’ve done the groundwork and I praise you for that but no more of this fluffy unicorns, sparkly rainbows and love and light shit. This is not going to be love and light. This is going to be shake your whole fucking world up, shatter your heart until it breaks open shit. I’m here to tell you that your heart is going to break like it’s never broken before. It’s not breaking over him though. It’s breaking open for yourself. This is something new for you, because this time you’ll make the choice to heal your deepest darkest wounds. Damn scary, confusing, profound and exciting all at the same time. I know it may not feel exciting at times. But just trust me, I’ve got you. Behind every heartache is a heart opening opportunity if only you choose it. Simple as that. It’s your choice.
It’s these damn wounds that are keeping people from choosing from their heart. The meanings, the stories, the conditioning, the deep need to keep yourself so damn safe all the time. Well it’s fucking your life up. It’s all bullshit. It’s not real. Have you noticed when you try to keep yourself safe that’s usually when you get hurt the most? Guess what, you chose it! Then you decide you have to keep yourself even more protected. You turn away from love when it’s right there in front of you! You give the head more evidence as to why all your made up stories are true. ‘See, I told you no one wants me, I’m not lovable. I always get hurt. I can’t trust people—men are liars, women are psychos, everybody leaves me. I get rejected, I always get cheated on’…blah, blah, blah, bullshit. Poor fucking you…who chose it. All of it. Get off the blame train!
Okay, okay, you chose most of it unconsciously, so I’ll let you off a little. So are you going to keep staying a victim in your stories or are you going to be empowered and make conscious choices?
Can you see how you are unconsciously creating your whole life and constantly self-sabotaging? Yes, this is happening whether you believe it or not—you are so damn oblivious to it.
You, in the past, like most people, have chosen to close your heart again and again, heartbreak after heartbreak. Since your very first heartbreak it hasn’t been your heart that has been choosing. It’s your head and it has been winning the war inside of you.
So what if you could just choose differently? What would be possible if you could choose from your heart all the time? Do you even know what choosing from your heart looks like?
If the heart had a bigger voice than your head, it would reply to your head, ‘I know you are just here to protect me but I don’t choose to live from protection or safety. I choose to live from love. I choose love and I choose me because I am love.
So, head get out of my fucking way already so I can choose love!’
So it’s decided then. You are choosing love. Even with all the buts, excuses and maybes you can just choose now. Just fucking choose!
Alright, good. Let’s do this shit!
I know you wish I told you this earlier. I did tell you, but you couldn’t hear me over the voice in your head. I was only a whisper back then but now that you are hearing me loud and clear I am here to help you fucking shine! I’ve got you.
We are in this together—one heart, one truth, one love.
Your Deepest Truth xx”
Author: Emmajane Love (EJ)
Editor: Travis May; Caitlin Oriel
Image: Flickr/Charlotte Astrid