August 29, 2016

I Don’t Know what this is—But I Like it a Lot.


“Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters of our lives won’t have a title until much later.” ~ Bob Goff


Just because I don’t know what is being written between you and me, doesn’t mean that I am uncertain about you.

I used to wish for answers that I could lean on, all the while missing out on the growth that can occur when we simply let things just be.

I don’t know what this is, what it means or what it could even grow into—and for right now, that is just the way that I want it.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t know how I feel about you—because I do. Nor does it mean that there are still lingering questions that have me keeping space or running from you and what you could possibly mean to my life.

It only means that I no longer want to live in a place where I have ruined the ending by over-defining the present.

I’ve lived so much of my life in worry about what tomorrow could bring, that now I simply refuse to let my mind wander any further than the present moment.

In truth, my most honest answer is that you are someone who I enjoy spending moments with.

While some may see that as a way to protect myself—or to not truly be vulnerable—in that specific instant, there was no other answer I was comfortable saying, and perhaps it’s because what this is is no longer is a concern of mine.

I’ve tried to figure you out more than I can say, and while I was never met with any answers, I still somehow always found a way back to you.

This isn’t about dodging reality, but instead having faith that whatever this is will become apparent in its own time—regardless of what that is.

The fact is right now I am having fun. I’m enjoying the spontaneity and unplanned moments of happiness and pleasure with you that I find myself being grateful for long after they’ve passed. I actually am relishing in the uncertainty, because somehow that feels better than any defined explanation of what this currently is.

Possibly this will end up being just a fling—a moment in time where we fell together simply because we wanted to. Maybe we will part ways at some point, and we both will no longer have any lingering questions about why we always seem to be drawn towards each other, despite how much we have changed and grown during the course of our history.

Each time that we are together, I tell myself that if that was the last time, then I am soulfully grateful for all of the times that we have experienced together, because my goal has never been to harness and keep you like a pet.

Perhaps there will be a different ending (or beginning) to this, one that defies what we had expected or even at one time wanted to become of these moments. We might get the biggest surprise of our lives—yet even if that is where we are headed, I still don’t see a reason for it to confuse where we currently are.

Right now, this is happiness. This is pleasure, and this is fun.

Whether it’s right or wrong—or whether it makes sense to others or not— this is where I am at right now. I care about you, but I don’t care what this is. I don’t care about over-talking or over-thinking a situation that always seems to do fine for itself.

I don’t even need to create rules for us to play by, because the truth is that I think we both do better when we just make it up as we go along.

If I’m honest, I like this because it’s different, and I don’t feel like you are asking too much of me.

Maybe I’m not supposed to say things like that—after all, I’m the woman, and I’m supposed to be the one pushing to define this—but that’s the thing, that just isn’t me.

I would never have known that if I hadn’t had the time to discover exactly what I want and what feels right for me, but now that I have, I’m okay with this right now.

I don’t need someone coming into my life making demands on my time and forcing me into a role of such conventionality that I once again feel stifled.

And the thing is I’m kind of busy.

I’m creating myself and continually building a life that makes me smile in satisfaction as I fall asleep at night, yet this doesn’t mean I am scared of any sort of commitment—it only means that I have no desire to chase or force one.

Because right now—and for as long as I can see—my door will stay for open for you.

There isn’t anyone else—not because of opportunity, but because of choice. While that may be different for you right now, I don’t have any need pursue the issue, because whatever you feel or whatever you want will come to be regardless if I ask questions about it or not.

You don’t need me to help figure out what you want from this life, you’ve had the ability to do that all along for yourself, and I think you’re doing just fine.

So in short, I really don’t know what this is—except that it’s making me happy.

Not because I am asking so much of you, but because I’m asking for so very little. Yet it’s not because I don’t want you here more often or for different reasons, but simply because I now see value in just letting things just be—trusting that whatever happens and wherever we are brought is ultimately where we are meant to be. Regardless of if it’s in each other’s arms—or not.

Because sometimes the best and the only thing we can do is just simply give life enough time to happen.


Author: Kate Rose

Image: Pixabay

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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