August 20, 2016

I’m Lost & I Like it.

Sarah Zucca/Flickr

Do you sometimes get that feeling that you need to do something, but you don’t really know why?

That there is something waiting for us, even if it doesn’t make any rational sense?

We all get these feelings from time to time. I believe that they’re messages from the universe sent to guide us.

They’re the ones that lead us toward our own, unique path. They’re the ones that the great people dare to embrace, but that so many ignore out of fear, out of commodity, out of self-doubt.

I am ready for greatness and I am willing to do anything for it. Since I’ve recently experienced that trusting those whispers from the universe is the best thing a person can do, I’ve decided to go for one of the biggest leaps of all.

Here I am: at the airport with a single ticket to Berlin. I am officially homeless, I am officially the one that got away and I officially don’t have a clue of what’s next.

And I’m fine with that.

I did this on purpose since I feel that sometimes you need to let it all go to see what stays. That sometimes you just need to let the wind take over and see where it takes you. And that sometimes you just need to create so much chaos to allow for the puzzle to fall back together by itself.

Today I closed the door to the apartment I lived in with my ex-boyfriend for two years. It was hard to close the door on that past—even though it had become so heavy that I had actually already escaped from it half a year ago. Nevertheless, cleaning the house I felt I was wiping it away, stroke after stroke. I erased our past, I erased my tracks and I erased the heavyweight that it had turned into.

By closing that door I have now allowed for many others to open up. What they’ll look like or where they’ll be I don’t know. I am just creating enough space for the new to come in and the old to go away. I need this moment of complete insecurity, this so-called mess, this unclarity. I need to throw it all out to see what I need to hold on to—and what to let in next.

I’m lost and I’m liking it. I’m completely free because I made it so. I let go of what was holding me down and now I’m so light I can barely keep my feet on the ground. I’m putting my head in the clouds on purpose to see what’s out there, to go above and beyond and to check that the sky is actually the limit—and find out what it has in store for me.

I’m excited, exhausted and ungrounded. Excited for the wonderfully unknown things that are yet to come, exhausted for all the bridges I’ve been passionately burning and ungrounded because of the wings that are taking me towards my new destination. Whatever that may be.

I’ve booked a room for one week, after that I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll stay another week, maybe I’ll move to another place, maybe I’ll fly back home (even though I’m not exactly sure where that is right now) or maybe I’ll hang out with my parents a little bit to regroup and recenter. I have no idea and I think that can only allow for new fabulous things to come my way.

I feel I need to do this, to throw it all into the air in order to create space for the enormous thing that is coming my way. I feel it. I just have no idea in what shape or form it will present itself—I just know it will, one way or another.

I have learnt to trust. This is my lifeline. My intuition tells me to do this, to let go, to dive in and to see what stays—or what is coming my way.

I have taken so many risks lately and they have all turned out for the better.

I have let an important love go because it was weighing me down and I knew it was time to fly high. I have decided to stop letting myself be distracted by futile things and focus completely on my online coaching business. And yes, it was terrifying and it has caused me an enormous amount of stress, but it has paid off beyond my wildest dreams.

And now I’ve given up my house in the city that I called my home for six years. I’ve bought a single ticket trusting the pull this new city is exercising on my heart. I know I need to trust this feeling. I know there is something out there for me. I know I’m doing the right thing. Even though at this moment I haven’t got a clue of what it is.

We’re boarding. I need to go and head in the direction of my dreams, the direction my heart’s pulling me in, the direction that I’ll know to be the right one shortly. Or maybe it won’t be, but then at least I’ll have tried and I’ll be able to say what it’s like out there. Because worse than failing, worse than being wrong, worse than making a mistake is having a dream and not making it happen. Ending up wondering what it would’ve been like and having regrets about what it could’ve been.

No, that’s not what I want to be going for, so I’m steering towards the great unknown looking to uncover all the great things hiding out there for me. Whatever may happen in the end, I’ll have gained a new experience and that’s worth more than anything to me since that’s already greatness in itself.


Author: Sophie Kruijsdijk

Image: Sarah Zucca/Flickr 

Editor: Sara Kärpänen

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