As I sat down to write this I took a deep breath, and prepared myself to expose a large piece of who I am.
You see, I am terribly complicated, a natural at overthinking, and too independent for my own good.
I found myself writing out exactly who I am, an explanation of why I do the things I do. My thinking was, “Well it’s taken me nearly 30 years to figure out all of these things about myself, so maybe I should share them.” I thought maybe I’d send it to the person who has chosen to be with me—you know, make it easier for him.
Then I decided that, no, I don’t want to tell him who I am. I don’t want to lay it out for him. I have layers upon layers of depth and beauty, even a little chaos. It is up to him to get to know me.
The beauty in any relationship is taking the time to peel back each layer, one by one, unraveling every string, overturning every pebble of each other’s souls. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. Still, so well worth it.
So to the person who chooses to be with me, I will say only this:
I hope you take your time getting to know me. I hope you enjoy this exploration, digging deeper into who I am. I hope you savor every moment of what’s bound to be an incredible adventure. Take my hand and hear my words when I say the following:
Please understand that I have spent my entire life having to protect myself—emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am vulnerable, but I am letting you in. I have walls, but you don’t have to break them down on your own, I will tear them down one by one, with you. I want you to know me, my good, my bad, my happy, and my sad. I want you to see me at my worst, I want you to experience me at my best. I want you to see me fully and completely, and I am willing to show you.
I will not let fear stand in my way. That’s not to say that I won’t feel fear, but I will face it, for you.
I want you to know that when I choose to be with you, I am all in. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to be ready to move in, get married, and name you as beneficiary on my life insurance policy. That simply means that I am yours and only yours, and I am not going anywhere. It means you will not have to wonder where I stand, because I will stand with you, I will be there for you, and I will have your back at all times.
If I have chosen you, rest assured that I believe in you. Know that I support your goals, and I will help you build your dream. Understand that I respect you and your need for independence. I understand space, and I’m not going to be offended when you ask for it.
If I have chosen you, it means that I am surrendering my heart and my body to you, and I am trusting you to take care of them both. It means that I know you could destroy me, and you might, but I’m trusting you not to. It means that you can trust me with your heart. It means I will take care of you, all of you, mind, body, and soul.
When I choose to be with you, I will do everything in my power to make you happy, to make your days better and your nights warmer. I know your worth, and I will make sure that you know it as well. I will make sure you receive the love that you have deserved for so long. I will make sure you know that you are special to this world, and to me.
I will worry about you. I will worry when you work too much, I will worry when you don’t get enough sleep, and I will worry when you’re traveling. I will remind you to take a break when you’re overworked. I will make your lunch, so that I know you have eaten. I will tell you to sleep well, and I will mean it. I will check in to make sure you made it safely when you’re on a long trip. I will tell you to call me, if you start to get sleepy. I worry, because I care.
I care a lot. I care about you, your thoughts, and your feelings. I care about how your day was. I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to know what you’re feeling. I want to know all of you. I want to know what makes you mad, what makes you happy. I want to know your favorite color, your middle name, your favorite childhood memory. I want to know about your worst relationship, and I want to be your very best one. I want to know what makes you sad, what motivates you, what makes your heart smile. I want to see you at your worst and experience you at your best. I want to know the real you. I want to be with the real you.
I will protect you from everything I can. I will protect your name, your image, and all of the things that are important to you. I will build you up, I will encourage you, and I will help you in any way I can. I will listen when you need to vent, I will give you space when you’ve simply had enough. I will pull you close when you need to be held. I will kiss you just because.
I will be there. I will show up for you.
When I choose you, I choose all of you. You can’t scare me. I won’t run. I am in it for the long haul.
I may be learning as I go, but still I am learning. I may face new fears along the way, but still I will face them. I may upset you, but I will do everything I can to make it right. I will be a pain in your ass, but yours will be the only ass I want to be a pain in. My quirks will annoy you, but I wish to only annoy you. I know that you will be a pain in my ass too, but I will still feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Your quirks may annoy me, but I can guarantee I will treasure every single one of them, because they are part of who you are.
I will know what I have, when I have you. I will know what I stand to lose, if I were to lose you. I won’t take you or the things that you do for granted. I may not have enough words to express my appreciation for you, but my god, I will try. I know that being with you is a gift, and it’s not to be taken lightly. Just the thought of losing you will have the ability to wreck me.
And when the day comes that I choose to love you, I will choose to love you every day. Falling in love is one thing, maintaining it is another. You see, it’s easy to fall in love, but that’s just not enough. Love is hard, it takes work. When the happy days are not so happy, and when we’re not feeling the love, I will still choose to love you. I will choose to love you and only you. I will love you on good days, on bad days, on okay days, and everything in between.
I will love you fiercely, every single day. All you have to do is let me.
You must know that If I have chosen to be with you, it is because I want to be with you. It is because I think I could make you as happy as you make me. For as complicated as I tend to be, it’s simple really—I choose you. I will choose you every day. I will choose you over and over again, for as long as you are here.
Author: Jene’ Matzkanin
Image: Xandriss Single Line Artist/Flickr
Editor: Emily Bartran