September 7, 2016

It’s Not You, it’s Me: How to Move on when the Problem is Us.

back turned goodbye

Well, courageous woman (or man), It’s just us again—and lack of love had nothing to do with it this time.

Who ever expected this—the day when the love of our life would no longer be in our life?

I didn’t. I didn’t see it coming until the end. Well, about two weeks before the end when I thought, “F**k. Here it is.” After some months of denial, it was over.

Beyond inquiries into depression, happiness at work and fulfillment in the relationship, what more can we try to evolve together?

We must eventually conclude that the problem wasn’t with him; the problem was actually us.

I get the whole “it wasn’t you, it was him” spiel. I have said that to myself at least 10 times in an attempt to self-soothe and make sense of it all.

But to be real—to get dirty and exposed and raw—I have to say: it was me. I was certainly the reason it didn’t work. I’m not saying that another woman could make him happier or allow him just the right amount of space to still feel free. I’m saying that it was my presence and needs that were pushing his boundaries of vulnerability to the extreme—so, in the end, I was the one who had to leave.

We can’t stay when our partner requires something we can’t give.

We could have cohabited in a semi-comatose cocoon of denial for years to come. We could have tried so hard to make something work and grown to hate each other because of it.

But let’s not do that, courageous women and men. Let’s part while there’s still love, while the memories are still mostly good and while we haven’t hurt each other too badly yet. Because if we continued like this—oh yes, that would come. We would break each other, and none of us needs that.

No one can stay faithful to a person who doesn’t truly want them—all of them. It seeps into our pores and organs and bones, and we need something else. We need more.

This is when love becomes not enough. This is when love has nothing to do with it. We need commitment and expansion and breadth and depth and opening up into more and more light.

When we ourselves are ready, we can’t accept limits and heels dug in and questions unasked and unanswered. We don’t need a partner who is afraid of deeply connecting with us.

This is why I left. It wasn’t him; it was me.

I was very politely asked too—not directly, but in all the indirect ways that eventually become incredibly clear. He needed more space than I could give. I needed more connection than he could hold.

Do I still love him? Certainly. Did he love me? Yes, it was clear.

Love has so little to do with whether a relationship works out or not. What we each want has everything to do with it.

If I could have let go of my true desires I might have fit his mold, but I knew I could never do that.

As we mature, hopefully we become wise enough to allow ourselves the freedom to want what we want, and know that we should want it and have it (our heart is, after all, calling for it).

Let’s make it about us, so that when we feel this draw and pull for something more—something greater—we follow it, even if it doesn’t lead to the person we thought we should be with forever.

If they are meant to follow, they still can. We have followed them long enough; it’s time to take the lead now.

Let’s listen to these hearts of ours, not hesitating too long if they need something different.

We will survive the gulf of sadness we feel over this loss. Most definitely we will.

There is magic built into time that tends to lessen our aches. I know we don’t like to wait for it, but we will recover.

Exactly what we want may not be here yet, but we should never stop asking for it. There is space now—real space—and someone who wants what we want can step into it.

It was us all along. We wanted something he never wished to give.

Love is always here within us. A fulfilling relationship, however, requires so much more.


Author: Sarah Norrad

Image: Pixabay

Editor: Toby Israel


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