Yeah, yeah, yeah. New Year’s resolutions. Whether we really get into them, or we just really get into not getting into them, their vibe is hard to avoid.

How will we improve? How will we make sure that these coming 365 days are different and better than the last? How will we steer away from complacency and finally show off our best selves, best abs, best work review or best screenplay?

We know how the six-days-a-week-at-the-gym goes. By Valentine’s Day, we’ve usually grown a thin new layer of shame and discouragement, and are ready to dive into that red velvet, heart-shaped chocolate box.

Most of the time, these ardent, pain-based declarations of a new and improved us, just don’t work.

I believe we can fix that.

How? No, I’m not going to suggest a new accountability system, a buddy system, a punishment system, nor a reward system. These are no fun at all.

Instead, I am going to suggest that you make a radical shift in language, one that you may enjoy so much that you may want to carry it over to other areas in your life.

That shift is transitioning from speaking in Form to speaking in Essence.

Let’s start with Form. Form is something super tangible: losing 20 pounds, getting a raise, traveling to Nepal, getting married, buying a new car.

Essence is a feeling: adventure, vitality, security, belonging.

Most of our life, we are used to speaking in Form. “Do I want the salad or do I want the chicken fettuccine?” “Should we buy a house or a condo?” That kind of stuff. Which works okay, but really…only okay.

In my experience, and from what I see happening in my clients’ lives, Form can lead us astray a lot. It can lead us to feeling confused (why am I still not happy with my life? I have everything I always wanted), guilty (I have spent so much money on this, I can’t believe I don’t love it), and discouraged. We think we want it, we work hard at it, we sacrifice a whole lot, we get it, we feel deflated.

It’s a real bummer of a ride.

Essence, alternately, does not do this. Why? Because Essence is…us. Essence is who we are, away from the luring of all the stuff. Essence is invariable, it’s basic, it’s real.

I have seen crazy, huge changes in people’s lives when they switch to Essence. In dating, in business, in health, in parenting, in their relationships. It’s a wee bit magic.

Wanna give it a shot?

This is how it goes:

Instead of committing to a daily ab routine, ask yourself this simple question:

What will having a nicely defined six-pack do for me?

Another possible simple question is:

How will it make me feel?

Then listen for the answer—which will usually show up as an Essence. In this case, it could be self-esteem, health, attractiveness, strength, achievement, or something else. Something so essential that the second you hear it, you will recognize it.

In the case of a raise, the Essence could be ease, self-worth, recognition, peace of mind, or again, something else. You will know.

Now, here is some really good news: There are many, many Forms to match an Essence.

This means that once you have identified that your New Year’s resolution may not be just to get six-pack abs, but rather to feel the Essence of Attractiveness, you may come up with three or four different Forms to satisfy that Essence. Maybe a new haircut, maybe learning to dance, maybe smiling more—and yes, maybe also a whole bunch of crunches.

What does this do? Couple of things:

You now have many different ways to play. This means that you have less chances of getting bored with one modality, and that you also pretty much always have something you can do to grow your Essence at any given moment.

There is much less room for disappointment. It’s already July and you are nowhere near getting close to buying that ticket to Nepal? No problem. Go back to the simple questions and discover what the trip to Nepal is all about. What’s the Essence here? Adventure? We can do that. What are three ways that you can grow the Essence of Adventure in your life, as it is today (this is what I call “Flipping the Essence”)? Come on. You can do this. Three ways. See? I knew you could. And Nepal is still cool, and chances are you will get there eventually. Especially if you are already infusing your life with that delicious Essence of Adventure. Life is like that.

We get to be surprised, which is always fun. As you keep your eyes out for your Essence, you will be really tickled to see the Forms that show up to scratch that itch. It may even hit you in the middle of the night and crack you up. Watch for this, it’s a good thing.

All of this puts you in a good place. A place of power, of sovereignty, a place of playfulness, too—which is a great Essence—and a place of making New Year’s decisions which you can not only keep, but will have a whole lot of fun keeping.

For me, I am going to make New Year’s resolutions of vitality, growth and fun. I can’t wait to see the Forms these are going to take.

What are yours?

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Author: Laura Lavigne

Image: Flickr/Nicolas Boullosa

Editor: Travis May